YEAR IS ALMOST OVER...

this is my "sum up the year" photo. mackenzie, daddy and mommy all making funny faces meaning we are all together and happy despite all the shit thats been thrown our way this year.



i have a black eye in this picture and the line going down my forehead is 20 stitches due to me falling headfirst into a radiator...of course i then had a horrible concussion and it was just a terrible week. i spent christmas eve getting the stitches out so that was of course fun. but other then that christmas came and passed very quietly this year. i didnt cry as much as i thought i would, it being the first one since losing grandma and dad had just gone back to florida about a week before...but it was still a little depressing. mackenzie got a new trundle bed, with "tangled" bedding and is in love! and she also got a table for a thomas the train set. she LOVES it, and barely leaves her room. i have unfortunately been back on the percocet pain pills since i had another car accident in october and got hurt with my back pretty badly, and then too with the head injury....thankfully there is no cravings and no addictive behavior here right now, i will always be an addict im not that stupid to think i have 'beat it ' but for now i am okay and managing it and taking only doctor prescribed dosages of medications. my back hurts incredibly bad so heres some more pics from the last couple months and im off to sleeps! -Tina

mackenzies new trundle bed required to be put together, so daddy was tired then :) 12/2011

we were able to wear shorts to the museum in october! wisconsin weather is confusing! 10/2011

at the park with mackenzie in september 2011

went with mom and the kidds to chicagos museum of science and industry in october

halloween 2011

day 5 of my injury - had a pretty black eye 12/2011



went to ohio for a couple days in august - mackenzie with my birthmom debi



my car accident 10/2011 a lady went thru a red light and hit me so hard i spun around completely 3x

sleeping with my new bedmate Bobby ! ;) 12/2011

MAYBE THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL THAT ISNT A TRAIN...

thats totally how im feeling right now. im being (maybe overly?) optimistic in life right now. mackenzie had her orientation at headstart today, so OF COURSE i only got an hour of sleep and we woke up with 10 minutes to get there, thankfully we only live 3 minutes away by car, but last year? we were walking and it took about 30 minutes to get there sooo yeah. thank you dad for the car! anyways so that was 3 hours ill never get back lol...but it was nice, we are the only 'returning' parents and i had a few ideas to make things a little better, and was able to talk to the parents about making sure that they utilize the parent coordinator there cause she is awesome! poor lady has held me while i just cried about general everyday parenting stress, they helped me get mackenzie potty trained in one week! (awesome!!) and life is good as far as that...then got home, saw i had a message from my mom (yeah the one that raised me lol) and since i havent spoken to her in a few days, i was cautious about calling her back, but it turns out school called, they have a job for me! its temporary, but its a start! 4 days in chicago...huh? how am i supposed to get to chicago?! (again awesome) school is chartering buses to get the graduates down there for these 4 days! aww now i have to be in moms good graces cause i need a babysitter for a couple hours for 2 of those days...thank God shes my mom and of course she will watch mackenzie...so yay! life is going ok for now...seen my doctor today for a little checkup on my status with the medication situation, and he agreed for right now to prescribe a little higher dosage of ambien (thank God) with anthonys agreement that he will monitor the meds to be sure im not abusing them...so just got that filled at walgreens (thank God they know the situation cause of course im not supposed to be out of my prescription for another 2 weeks since the rx was written for 1x a day last month)...so im optimistic right now with a SERIOUS cautious note...cause i saw a bug last night...and if you know me? you KNOW i dont do bugs...i can deal with mighty mouse, and i know thats really weird, cause that little punk mouse was being bold last winter, i mean honestly what kinda mouse do you know that will literally sit staring at you while listening to another mouse trap snap over a baby mouse? but the cat took care of mighty mouse eventually, but i hear them scampering in the walls late at night when i may or may not be in the kitchen in search of a snack...but i digress on that until they are back cause we had to get rid of sassy the cat when we got dumbo, i mean bobby the dog....so we will see how bad that situation gets this winter...but anyways back to the bug. of course my sheltered self really doesnt know much about roaches, but every time i see a 'bug' im certain its a roach and we are being overrun from our house by them within the next ten minutes...and of course i went crazy and may or may not have slept with the light on in bed last night, although i didnt really sleep...anyways through my extensive (seriously skin crawling) research of roaches on the internet today, i have indeed determined that it was NOT a roach after all, since moving the stove and refridgerator and not seeing a single creature stirring, ....well of course see when i am optimistic...sigh my mom just called and informed me she can NOT babysit those 2 days, which honestly i dont understand cause its 2 weeks away, so how do you know you wont be feeling well those days but ok whatever...sigh i cant win...
_me

....

seems like the day for all hell to break out, and it is (of course!) first of all prayers for my blog family thats going through some bipolar crap of her own today, but thankfully she has a family that loves her and has kept all the razors and medications away from her, and heres to hoping she has lotts of chocalate to get through her hell that shes in right now....if youre reading my blog any time in the future, huggs to ya! so my amazing husband managed to get things 'fixed' with the attorney lady...and on friday i will have no electricity for 2 weeks but we WILL have a crackhead house to live in...so yea im a little irritated with the situation, ESPECIALLY since i called the 'management company' and left them a message that they will need to send someone to pick up the money on friday, and someone is here within 20 minutes to get their money...are you SERIOUS?!?!! sigh....poor guy was sooo upset, and i feel really bad cause hes just following the boss' orders to come over here, but he looked kinda scared to call them back ;) oh well anyways...im glad in a way, but can someone explain why in the interim, my 'person who raised me and wants to be called mom but i dont think she qualifies for that term right now' suggested that i let mackenzie and anthony over to the person whos abused her house and i go stay with a friend?!?!?! at that point i had enough. seriously. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and i reached my point over 6 years ago...i screamed, know what? (now mind you she has had her friend over in her house for 4 days now because she was depressed) you can take in your friends from their house but you couldnt even let me and mack spend nights at your house?!?! you may stay with the man who molested your daughter and call her names and stuff but i refuse to ever allow that person to ever see her again! and i hung up...i also managed to tell her how the hell can you be concerned about your friends being depressed and sleeping too much yet i was ARRESTED and taken to the mental hospital and when i called you hung up on me and said i called too late?!?!? it was freakin 10pm!!! whatever. ive been at odds with these people since the day i was bought home. seriously. im done. im done im done. i dont care if mack never knows any of her grandparents and i have to only hope that one day my kids that she is raising will find me and learn the truth and accept me when they are 18. i found my birthmom, well actually she found me, but my heart yearns to be with her at times like these and thats knowing what she is and the mistakes she has made...call me an idiot, call me and addict and just like my mom...honestly? id rather be the child of an addict who can admit her faults then the hyppocrital 'God-fearing' lady who let her boyfriend molest me and then 10 years later wants to BLAME me and call me racist names in my 'hood with about 20 of said racist remarks persons surrounding her...ahh come to the 'hood again ***** we're waiting for you!!!

-Tina

BOUNCY REALM 08/25/2011

SIGH

well spoke to the bank today, oddly enough its the same man that i spoke to back in march when we were having issues with the management company not answering maintenance calls...at any rate, he said they of course want to work with us and blah blah blah...hes going to call the lawyers that they have involved in the case and see if theres anything they can do to resolve this situation and us not be evicted....so just keeping fingers crossed and hoping and praying....on other news, got 'closure' with the jerk....i think / i guess....anthony called him and told him i wanted to see him for a small conversation and whatever but the person said no hes done with the whole situation and that im stupid for ever cutting my arms and blah blah blah...anthony made the comment well shes extremely depressed and if anything else happens to her cause your stupid a$$ wont talk to her one freaking time then im going to hold you responsible, and a$$ said well i didnt do anything to her and hung up....so i guess theres your sign! i just dont understand why im so sad or upset over it...the guy has his own personal issues to deal with in his life, i KNOW we would NEVER be anything serious because of those issues, yet hes in my head and i cant get him out...sigh....i want to quit, i really do!!

me

I NEED TRANQUILIZERS...HORSE TRANQUILIZERS !!!

i dont know how much more i can take. today i get a fairly innocent letter in the mail from a lawyer's office; thinking it was a solicitation regarding the denial i just got from social security / diability, i tossed it aside...but this nagging was in my head and i finally opened it this afternoon...it was a summons to small claims court for the end of september...(stupidly) thinking it was regarding the window that was broken by a brick over 16 days ago that JUST made its way to being fixed and returned yesterday after i snapped out on the management company, i called the lawyers office to see what it was about cause i was for sure going to have the police report i made 10 seconds after the crackheads busted my window AND the invoice for the window showing it was ready two days after it got busted, but not picked up till 14 days later...but this dips*** comes back and says its for an eviction proceeding that they went to court for on tuesday...the file here says that they placed a notice on your door on august 7th and they changed the locks with the sheriff on the 11th...i laughed are you serious? she says why are you laughing this is very serious. you have to vacate the premises immediately, what is your number so i can have the lawyer handling the case call you? now i snap on her, cause seriously? ive been through enough evictions to know they have to personally serve me and in this neighborhood who would leave a notice taped to the door when we have a freaking mail slot in the door?!?! im going to seriously have to bite my tongue, put on my nice girl face, and try to sweet talk the bank tomorrow...if not i see a trip to housing authority cause they will condemn this house for real !! off to crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep again....goodnight world

me

HUH

so thursday afternoon i was sick, i mean in bed dying sick...and the person that i think might've harmed my dauther was in my house....so of course me being me i got in his face...he didnt deny it, he laughed in my face and said 'well thats a strong accuasation....' and carried on with the conversation he was having with my husband...i wanted to tear him limb from limb, but instead i went into my bedroom....i took 2 ambien and tried to sleep....well so i thought...the details from then until friday afternoon are hazy but with anthony and other peoples help, heres what proceeded to happen....around 5pm i went into my bedroom, unknow to anthony i took about 20 shaving razors with me...around 9pm anthony got a barrage of text messages when he turned his cell phone on as he was getting ready for work...there were 3 picture messages with lotts of blood and cuts on my arm...he had no idea when these were actually sent since the network is crappy and lists the time you received them...so he attempted to come into the bedroom to see what i had done now...and when he couldnt get in, he panicked, he sent the pictures to a few friends and one of them called the police. well 911....the fire department came first...i remember this part a little, there was about 6 of them in my dining room, telling me i really should go to the er and get checked out....uhhuh...and then i go straight to mental health on a 72 hours psych hold, i think not im fine, wasnt trying to kill myself honest goodbye...next thing i knew i was in mental heatlh...turns out the fire department cant say too much but the police, they have shiny things called handcuffs...anyways i GUESS i was fighting the lady officer pretty hard and so i was double cuffed and placed in the back of the squad car and taken in. they placed me on a 24 hour hold but somehow i convinced the psych dr at the hosp. that i was fine and they sent me home in a cab....i see 2 things wrong here, 1. how the HELL was i left to come home and in a cab no less?????? and 2. why cant i remember anything anymore? ...this is particularly disheartening because of the situation with losing emily and i blanked out, and now im fighting law enforcement? no you see i LOVE the police, i have nothing but respect for them, and to hear i was fighting them makes me cringe....i have to say though lady officer needs to cut her darn nails cause i now have 5 claw marks on my upper arm! grrr...

me

I GUESS A NEW? CHAPTER.....

sooo 17 days ago, i posted about anthony and i seperating, and how i had found someone i loved and blah blah blah....well obviously as is my life, it didnt work out. i dont exactly know what was the final straw for him, but i know that i kinda freaked about someone that i felt a loyalty to even though that person had hurt me repeatedly through choices that he made while intoxicated or high. this person was also "feeding" my high, and never helping me sober up...and the guy that i 'loved' just had enough and point blank told me so. and of course, i did what i do, and i snapped. and i blacked out exactly as i did when i lost emily, only this time was literally 48 hours. i dont remember too much, i remember him coming here, giving me my key, and telling me it was over. i remember BEGGING him not to do that, to give me another chance, and he said no and left. and i dont know much after that, but as usual i took pictures. i wont post them here cause this time it was sooo much worse then last time. i honestly dont even know how im sitting here and not in a hospital room with padded walls....but i am so whatever we will go with it i guess. i am going to speak to my therapist tomorrow for the 2nd time this year, ha yeah its been 8 months into this year and i only have seen him once before....sad....but this is going to be such a different appointment. im scared and nervous and worried. ya see for over 3 years, i have been self-medicating with percocet...for over 15 years i have been self-medicating with alcohol...i have NEVER dealt with the issues head-on....childhood traumas, losing emily, losing dumb a$$, losing grandma, losing myself....and i NEED to confront those issues if i am EVER to have peace and true happiness in myself, and it honestly scares the hell out of me. there is no more  buffer zones....nothing to numb this stuff, and its gonna be some serious hard s*** that will test all of my willpower and test my sobriety to NO EXTENT....and i lost like all my support. for real....i still have anthony and i still have this 'guy', but i mostly have to depend on myself and learn to LOVE MYSELF ....and its been 7 years since i have done that....pray for me, i pray for you....

~Tina

ITS OVER NOW...

almost 6 years...in face we are short 2 months and 8 days short of our 6 year anniversary and we are officially calling it quits. if you know me personally then you know the bs we have gone through and put each other through the last 4-5 years. between the drama with his ex when we first got married, to the physical abuse, to losing Emily, to almost losing Mackenzie....i lost myself along the way. i dont know when exactly it happened, but  a couple days ago, i met someone that made me realize how much i have disappeared from my own life....and its not right. mackenzie deserves her mama to be here full heartedly and i deserve to stop hurting and stop trying to hurt anthony. im tired of being called names and told all kinds of horrible things. i am not perfect by any means, i have given as good....well almost as good as i get, but the bruises are still here, and the pain may never go away. in thinking SERIOUS thinking that i havent done in a long time, i realized that im only staying in this marriage for stupid reasons. i dont want to be 31 and divorced, i dont want to admit that it didnt work out, i dont want mackenzie to have to grow up with divorced parents and all the issues that come along with that...and i didnt want to lose the last person in my life that reallly really understands what it means to have lost Emily and the struggle and pain that came with all that. but then i had to start thinking, and maybe, just maybe i am still holding onto Emily and not moving on because i keep thinking about the past, i wont let it go. and maybe im just fooling myself into thinking that he cared still. over the last year, there have been more bad times then good, and i just have to stop. its not that i dont love him anymore, good lord i love anthony more then i ever loved anyone, and he taught me sooo much about myself and how to be strong and how to be a good mom and love myself....but somewhere along the way, all that fell apart, i stopped being strong, i stopped being free, i stopped loving myself. and as much as i will always love anthony, because i truly believe he was my soul mate....but i think there comes a point when you have to stop hurting each other. you have to stop fighting and let each other go to find happiness even if its with someone else....so with a little heavy heart today, i am saying ok. im done hurting you, i am done letting you hurt me. its over now.

~Tina

DOCTOR TODAY

seen my doctor today since i didnt make the sobriety thing work out last time, i got a refill on my percocet on july 5th, but today july 13th, i am out of it completely. so OBVIOUSLY i have to quit. anyways lotts of things have happened in the last 9 days! on sunday the 10th, this great guy came into my life...of course its entirely too early to see if this is going to last a long time, but i can say he has shown me a completely different side of myself that i thought i lost. i dont understand the complexities of this situation yet, since i am still technically with anthony, but since we are seriously having more and more problems and issues i really dont think that we are going to make it much longer....its kinda sad but thats the facts...anyways so went to the doctor again today, he came in and sighed...uh-oh i thought, this is going to be a serious conversation today...alright deep breath...yeah doctor looked at me and asked the hard questions...are you detoxing right now? uh yeah cant you see me jumping out of my skin? hello im shaking like a damn leaf but no im great thanks for asking! (doink) anyways so then he tells me you know we had this conversation in March so why are we here again? and i sigh and start crying...for real im crying...sad! anyways i explain that i got off the meds in jan. but i have no idea how i got back on them, the librium wasnt helping in march so i got upset and gave up....anyways long story short we are going to try the librium again and HOPE that it works....its 730pm and im going on 24 hours with no percocet....heres to another 24 hours!!!

~Tina

TRYING TO GET SOBER FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME!

literally being forced into sobriety haha. no seriously dont have any percocet left so kinda have to try this getting sober on my own thing. the last couple weeks have been really manic, i have popped so many pills and drank so much alcohol and made such seriously bad decisions, and i love my daughter and husband and i NEED to get my life straight and back on track. yes im seriously mad that here i sit 5 months after finishing my college degree with a 3.89 GPA, i still dont have a job! yet others that i went to who barely scored C's with a job and a pretty good one at that! its not for lack of me trying either, because i have more rejection emails in my inbox then i have ever seen in my life! and its not ok anymore. i am going to dish out even more money in an attempt to get certified so that i have a small one-up on my competition but i dont even know if thats going to work...for now i am trying to not go insane and deal with twitches and nausea and GI irritations in general so that i can (hopefully) beat this percocet addiction thing....and then i have to go have 9 teeth pulled on the 27th and cannot take any pain meds afterwards (nope not kidding, once recovered addict, always an addict and NO narcotics are ok anymore!) and scheduling arthroscopic surgery for my knees....oh boy! haha yep the doctors been trying to get me in there for some time now and ive been like no let me lose weight and walk some more and try that....well i have lost about 30 pounds (doesnt look like it) since last year, and walk every day for at least 30 minutes, and nothing. no relief...if anything i think its gotten worse so i cannot take anymore...happy 4th of july ya'll

~Christina

at the milw. county zoo on june 25th w some friends

the penguins loved the warm day!

went out to the lake later that day w same friends, forgot macks swimsuit, so her panties and tank top made a cute lil bikini ;)

sitting in the sun at home, trying not to look like Casper the friendly ghost

playing in the backyard pool!

july 2nd, playin with her toys, yes shes wearign a sweatshirt cause i have the a/c on !

Wisconsin Humane Society - Available Animals

Wisconsin Humane Society - Available Animals

KAPLAN GRADUATION 06/05/2011

NEEEED ADVICE!!!

girl youve earned the right to be where you are,
you got there with stregth and talent.
you didnt run from your challenges-
you embraced them,
overcame them,
and they made you what you are -
invincible and strong!

(open card...)
congratulations

i got this card two weeks ago...its a BEAUTIFUL card...but i cannot help and wonder the intent behind the card....i got this from the MOST UNLIKELY of people and the most UNLIKELY person SIGNED it ....and i cannot help but wonder....i WANT to take it as a gesture of kindness from people that havent been the kindest to me in the last few years, but still this is from a person who (in my eyes) hates me....has called me racist even though the man i married is biracial....and just is messed with my head for a long time...i cried when HE handed it to me directly and didnt fall over from a heart attack...ok that was kinda mean, but seriously, this person would rather have triple bypass surgery then speak to me, so was this a proverbial olive branch or something sinister? did i mention said people also CAME TO MY HOUSE AFTER CHURCH LAST SUNDAY to "check on me" ??? did the world really end the day that man predicted and now i seriously am living in hell or should i not look this particular "gift-horse" in the eye and cautiously reach out and take their outstreched hand???



ANY advice is helpful....cause i really dunno what to make of this whole thing....and unfortunately im avoiding church and said persons till i figure it all out cause i dont want to be set up for a major fall, but on that note, im TIRED of the drama, the fighting and the lonliness....sigh....sigh sigh....and anthony is no help, he says its "stranger then strange..."....sooo....help me out!!



~Tina

.

Do you ever worry about makenzie being taken away from you because of what hap with your other daughter..why or why not? – (a friend from grade school asked me this and i wanted to share with my readers in case you all wonder too)
more than anyone knows ******. in fact anthonys father wanted us to divorce so badly that he regularly calls social services on me with stupid lies that i am abusing her and social services will come and check it out and see that im not, so the case will be closed. however last october, she went to anthonys sisters house and came home after a 4 day weekend, with seriously bad handprint bruises on her buttocks and lower back. i immediately took her to the ER and because i could not explain where the bruises came from because she wasnt home when she got them, they sent social services after me again. only this time i didnt back down. i spoke out against them and they actually "investigated" ME for over 4 months before even sending the case worker to anthonys sister to question her where and when she lied to the case worker and the supposed police officer. i then requested a meeting with the supervisor at social services, and when we all sat down for a meeting i point blank asked the supervisor, if i wasnt bipolar and a recovering alcoholic, and if i hadnt lost my other kids, and given emily up for adoption , would this still be a case? he hesitated so i asked him another way, i said if i didnt live with anthony and mackenzie and never saw her again unsupervised, would you recommend that this case go to court and mack be removed from my home, he didnt hesitate that time when he said no. so i called HIS supervisor and made a complaint with the TAPE RECORDED conversation we had that day where he made that statement , and i then contacted the police station that they said they called to report and the police were "investigating"....the police NEVER received a report....so when i found this out, i made a complaint to the police dept. and then forwarded all that to the bureau supervisor and head of the bureau of child welfare. i received a letter saying the case was closed against me about two weeks later..


so to sum it up ******, yes every day of my life i am terrified of losing mackenzie due to my actions with emily. i have tried to show people that i am a different peson, i attend counseling weekly, taking my medications along with monthly blood levels monitoring my lithium in my blood to show compliance with that, i have quit drinking, and i was trying to make my sham of a marriage work....i completed medical assistant diploma program with a cumulative GPA of 3.89 and High Honors....and STILL people only sometimes see me as the person who abused emily....and unfortunately thats the way it will always be. i found out tonight after fighting with my husband because while he had mackenzie today, she fell playing in the rain and had a lump on her head the size of a golfball and i wanted to take her to the ER to get a CT scan to be sure she didnt have a brain bleed, and he refused to go with me, so we ended up fighting and he did some horrible things today....so im going to file for divorce on monday and i very well might lose custody of mackenzie through this....but i will still have visitation rights with her, and i have to leave anthony, i CANNOT be afraid to take my child to get medical care without him, because i KNOW if i had taken her to the ER today, they would have taken mackenzie into custoy and me into jail and asked questions later....as they did with emily...and yes they had every right with emily, but unfortunately today i couldnt prove that i didnt hurt mack and it literally would be anthonys word against mine...and he was mad at me, so i was scared of losing mackenzie. thankfully i knew what to watch for, and i gave her some tylenol and iced it and the swelling went


down and she is now fine 8 hours later....so...there it is...respond if you like...thanks....and dont ever be afraid to ask me anything about it. i am not proud of what happened with emily, but i know i was / am sick and i made mistakes and i dont hide behind it....i did wrong and i will forever pay for it by never seeing her again, but i know i am now doing right by mackenzie so i try to fight for my right...but unfortunately it doesnt always work out that way...sometimes people only want to see you as the bad person and think people cant change....tina

A DAY... YEA A DAY....

so today is the day huh? idk . heres the day so far. anthony is "indefinitely suspended" from work while an "investigation" is done concerning some he said she said bs....and im almost certain that is another way of saying "You're Fired."....so he went on the ride along for the 'new' job that hes interviewing for and we are praying with EVERYTHING left in our meager souls right now that the Lord is going to either let him get that job or i will get a phone call with a job offer. anyways so anthony was gone all night on that ride along, thankfully those wont be his hours if he does get the job, but either way he spent the day sleeping...haha. its ok me and mackenzie kinda had a rough one today. so this morning she woke me up at 530am and literally took the bowl part of her potty chair and threw it at me and laughed....covered in urine and feces, i calmly as possible went to take a shower and wash my clothes....again this was to avoid any possible child abuse that would have resulted in this incident cause come on seriously! how would YOU have reacted to being thrown human waste not even from a monkey at the zoo, but from your almost 4 year old child that you thought you adored and were teaching right?! so....after some intense scrutiny in that 30 minute shower....i realized that i may be teaching her right from wrong but one thing we have NOT taught her is that her actions have consequences. Now we may have tapped her butt once or twice or yelled quite a bit (yes i need to work on that and have been!) but we have never in the last almost 4 years EVER "punished" mackenzie for any of her many offenses. my walls are all 'decorated' my computer screen permanently etched with who knows what except that it was sharp enough to scratch the screen with some pretty deep gouges...and mackenzie is currently decorated with 4 day old permanent marker 'tattoos like mommy has' that wont come off no matter what soap i use. so today while watching Dog the Bounty Hunter on television, and watching anthony snore and trying to hold in my laughter while he talked nonsense in his sleep, i prayed. i prayed to the Lord to PLEASE open my heart and show me the way. because the path i am on is not the one i KNOW he wants me on. i graduated college 4 months ago today, and am still jobless even though i graduated with a 3.87 cumulative GPA out of a possible 4.0. i dont know where God wants me to be in life, but i know it isnt here. so while i was watching my netflix, i believe God did speak to me, and he opened my eyes and my heart. i only hope that i can seriously, seriously change my life and not let the devil in anymore. anyways so i went to check on the quiet mackenzie, who we all know by now, if shes quiet shes up to no good....so sure enough, her air mattress is deflated, (no biggie we have an air pump), but as i investigated further, i realized her potty chair was missing the 'bowl', located a few seconds later next to a naked from the waist down mackenzie who was informing me that her mattress was wet....upon more investigation, i realized mackenzie had pottied in her potty chair....and THEN instead of letting mommy or daddy know to empty it, she decided to dump it on the mattress. and it wasnt a small amount either...soooo again instead of any child abuse situation, i called my sleeping husband for some backup to the situation....well her mattress cannot be salvaged cause as of this point i have NO IDEA how to clean urine from a fabric and plastic air mattress, so whatever....more on that research later....i immediately unplugged her DVD player (her MOST prized possession) and took it out of her room. i informed her through seriously gritted teeth that she needed to go into the living room and sit and not move an eyelash....as i cleaned the other human waste i discovered upon MORE investigation....i know i should be a private investigator! im sooo good at it! ;) ANYWAYS so i went through the clean laundry that has yet to be folded, and found a pair of clean mackenzie underwear and some pajamas, and went into the living room. with tears in my eyes and quite a few yells to the ceiling aimed somewhere toward heaven, asking the Lord what i was doing wrong and to please send me a sign if he hears me cause i cannot do this anymore....i got mackenzie dressed and although it was waning, i was still quite angry with her and myself. i am failing her as a parent....it would almost be a blessing to her to let the state take her, but no i will NOT give up this time. i fought this last case and proved to myself and a couple disbelievers (haters!) that i AM straightening out my life and i AM being the best mom i can be to mackenzie, so i refuse to let them haters win again....so i told her that she didnt get her dvd player back until tomorrow because of what she did....you know what? that lil **** didnt even care! she laughed and ran off. so at this point anthonys sleeping again in his chair so im alone on this one, and i didnt hit her...i wanted to, oh man i wanted to just paddle that little butt and show her whos boss, but that doesnt work either ya know? so i calmly went into her room and told her she was on time out and she needed to sit on the couch until i said she could get down. so we watched two more episodes of Dog, and then anthony woke up and began to clean the living room. mackenzie slithered off the couch, no im literal, she went headfirst and slithered off the couch.... :) and began to help daddy clean....so i think it hit me right then. she needs rules. she NEEDS stability (yes pastor kate alll those things you have told me before :) it finally sunk in!) and i need to provide it. so after the living room was clean, she ran in her room and i could hear her asking daddy for her dvd player so she could watch her new dora dvd and take a rest...rest is code for nap around here haha....and daddy said no you need to talk to mommy about that, (kudos and BIG points to daddy!) and daddy and mackenzie come out to me, i was already sitting on the couch holding her dvd player. and i said well we need to have a talk mackenzie. so at this point i was silently praying the Lord to speak through me so that mackenzie would understand....and i have to tell you thats when the HALLELUJAH moment came....mackenzie was playing with something and i said mackenzie you have to put that down, come here and we will talk ok? and she put it down, turned around, and said " alright im coming, what?" and i looked down, hid my face and laughed out loud cause she DID understand me! all this time i have wondered if she really does understand when shes doing wrong and right and she DOES!! ok so now knowing the Lord has literally, loudly answered my call, i tell my baby girl with tears again in my eyes, mackenzie i love you, you were very naughty putting potty on the bed, and throwing it at me this morning. she says i know mama, im sorry. and then wipes my eyes and says no crying mama and throws her arms around me and says big huggs and she squeezed. so i told her (knowing she wouldnt understand everything i was saying now, but someday she hopefully will look back on this blog and know) as i hugged so tightly back with tears STREAMING down my face and looking into my husbands eyes, mackey baby mama loves you sooo much. DONT ever turn out like me EVER!!! you are so wonderful and God gave you to me to teach me so you and i, we are going to learn together ok kiddo? and i leaned back and she kissed me and said ok mama we will...and i said are you going to behave? she said yep, then i said go give daddy a hug and tell him sorry too, so she did....so shes now on probation and if shes naughty again she will get time out and the third timeout, she will lose her DVD player for a whooooole day, (her eyes got real big and shes shaking her head no) and so shes now laying in her room on a blanket makeshift bed watching her dora dvd....i think we both learned an important lesson today....and i have finally opened my heart to the Lord....anthony and i will sit down tonight and make some simple rules for mackenzie and we HAVE to abide by the consequences and teach our baby girl that her actions have them....we HAVE to teach her, as our parents taught us.....

and with that line, i have made a very difficult decision. i am very proud of what i have achieved in the last year, graduating college with HIGH HONORS, something noone else in my class did...and i am proud. I stayed up all night studying and doing homework and struggling when i didnt understand something, like how the heart worked and which valves did what and how the blood flowed where and when.... I did that, noone else....plenty of people helped along the way and i say thank you to them all the time, the biggest of which was my husband who even when he coulndt pronounce my medical terminology on the little study index cards i made, he would just sound it out and relentlessly quiz me almost every day so that i could get those 100 percents on my tests and final exams....and although i already received my diploma showing i completed something (finally for the first time in my life!) i will walk across the stage in a few weeks and (to me) "earn my stripes"...and you know what? i dont want toxicity in my life anymore. i dont want to be a bad person anymore, i dont want drama and i dont want it anymore....so i made the decision that i have made plenty of times before, but today i made the promise to myself and my daughter and my husband and our FAMILY that i will get better and we will succeed. in order to do that i have to leave the toxicity behind, and alot of you know that a large piece of toxicity is a family member who controls me in so many ways....so i called my brother and informed him of my decision and he decided he wanted to scream at me, so now he too is cut out of my life. i will not allow the negativity anymore...i just wont allow it. so now the guest list to my college graduation is down to my dad who i also spoke to and listened to what he had to say, anthony and mackenzie. i am still awaiting confirmation from pastor kate, who although she is exiting my life (more on that in another post, im too exhausted for that right now, but God is calling her life to take a path that means she will no longer be our pastor next year)....so thats that. whats your take????

Tina

BOBBY GOT LOOSE AGAIN....SIgh...

this loving boy is making me die of exhaustion! :(

so as you know we got Bobby from a friend of a friend cause they rescued him and needed him to go to a loving home. so my bleeding heart took him in. and yes he is a BIG doggie and YES he is only 2 years old so he thinks he is a puppy and wants to PLAY, and sometimes people get scared. 1. his size, 2. he looks a lot like a pit bull and we know the undeserved stories about their breed, and 3. when bobby wants to PLAY he can knock people over INCLUDING my 6 foot 3 inches tall 260 pound husband. so yes i can imagine as a lil' (not) old (yes she was kinda) lady with a little (10 pounds at most) border collie doggie outside and bobby has ran from 4 blocks away chasing birds and dogs that are all outside playing, you might get scared when beethhoven comes barralling at you....

ok the real story...without my lil narrative there ;) we were sitting outside with mack on her lil bike and i was holding bobby with his leash on on our steps porch and i had his leash wrapped a couple times around my hand, i was watching the kids that just moved in across the street to make sure bobby wouldnt chase them down, and just enjoying the day....i seen the seagull out the corner of my eye...unfortunately for me, bobby's eyes are on his sides and he saw them FULL on and he went for them, with me too....so lets face it, it was me or the dog...i had to let go...i had to you understand, i was being dragged LITERALLY down the street, so i let him go. i figured he would run across the street to get the kids...wrong. he went for the darn birds who (WTF?) were waddling away and not FLYING away....stupid birds....so bobby almost got one....but then it decided to fly...so bobby kept going...it was a beautiful day there were a lot of people outside and  he was a puppy in need of freedom i guess....so i was off. now yelling at anthony whos saying im not chasing after him he will come back when he wants and then i got mad and started yelling at anthony so then anthony walked down the street looking for him....i ran the other way thinking we could head bobby off before he hit the main streets and the busy rush hour....i was thinking he would hit the park...anth thought he was going for the field with the railroad tracks....so we each took a cell and were off.....well i was almost to the park when i get a phone call saying i found him....and hes calling bobby but anths laughin cause bobbys running away from him. so then anthony says ok they got him in the building...oh no theyre gonna sue, bobby bit the old lady or something get here quick....well "here" was literally 4 1/2 blocks from our house and about 6 from where i was....i ran the whole way....yep my fat a** ran! haha...im thinking some lil old lady was literally attacked by my friendly a** dog! all these thoughts racing through my head...oh God why did i let his insurance lapse, i shouldve disconnected the darn internet and paid his insurance and blah blah blah. so i get there and bobby is literally in the senior citizen home building. and im like...wait if the lady was attacked, why is bobby sitting face to face with this little lassie looking dog and being all calm?! somethings not right here...alarm bells start ringing....i immediately go inside the building to get bobby....the lady says well your dog bit me! i said ok well im a medical assistant, so where did he bite you? i can help till paramedics get here, lets call 911. so she tells me she did already, and then tells me that well he didnt really bite me but he went after my dog....so im lookin at her like literally 10-15 pound dog and looking back at bobby who i kid you not is literally sitting on top of mackenzie licking her face outside....and start to hear the alarm bells again...well now theres about 8 seniors in the hallway saying different things including something about a gun and that woulda been a dead pit. so i say hold on, go outside call the police cause this is gonna be a situation, and im not going to let them get one over on me cause i KNOW bobby didnt bite her or that dog cause if bobby wanted to literally attack her dog, (which i have NEVER seen him do!) that dog wouldve been a little (lets face it a LOTT) hurt....and there wasnt a single hair missing off that dog....so the police say ok we are dispatching someone now....anyways then i go outside....and now im getting mad cause these old people are being mean, im almost in tears cause im pretty cut and road rash on MY leg cause this darn dog dragged me down the street, and im feeling bad for this lady cause thankfully she didnt have a heart attack like i know i wouldve if i had seen that dog barreling for me! anyways....police come and bobby turns back into beethoven slobbering all over the lil officer and so the guys like well i see it was an accident so calm down and dont worry too much...another witness comes forward that lives in the building that actually used to be a police officer and trained dogs i guess....and so he says aww dont worry so he talks to the officers and it seems everything is cool...well then the other officer comes outside and chest all puffed cause i had said yes bobby got away one other time at like 3am when i was literally barefoot running through the hood and finally some officers going to mcdonalds, helped me find him on a very busy street ! but thankfully it WAS 2am and there was lil traffic...so i managed to catch the mutt and yelled the whole way home at him....that was literally two days after we got him ok?! and his leash had broke and thats how he got loose....ANNNNY ways today he got loose cause as i said he was draggin me down the street with him...so the one officer was like well ya know you cant control him and i hear that i get mad. so i say excuse me sir but there is NO LAW in milwaukee that says you can give me a citation for him not being under control. hes a big dog, he got loose, it was an accident and the lady and her dog are fine. i really am sorry but i have him registered and hes up to date on his shots and blah blah blah...so officers go in the car after i make the statement (cause im calling mack to get over here and not pick the flowers on the old peoples lawn) that yeah i cant hit my kid to control her cause thats child abuse, but i should do whatever i can to control my dog or i get a ticket if he accidently gets loose...whatever....and i see the officer kinda laugh and go in the car...they come out and say well your right there isnt anything we can do. the only thing is if she were to have been hurt and shes obviously not....just try to keep him under control...and i said ok im sorry for yelling at you, its just a high stress situation. OBVIOUSLY i knew the dog got loose, i ran literally ran blocks looking for him, i knew he wasnt dangerous but i didnt just go back in the house and say oh well he'll come home some time...ya know? and he says yeah no biggie. i mean i see he had his leash on, the lady said he had his leash and his tags on and i mean we can see it was an accident, i see your leg, i understand the situation....and then a car rolls past, they look and so do i....idk why....and they get a call....i didnt hear exactly what was said but they were like ok are we done here? and i say yes, go go be police and take care of the bad guys out here! they laugh and take off after said car with sirens and lights going....so anth, mack, bobby and i head home...i HAVE bobby cause i want to show the elderly that i HAVE CONTROL of him....and we walk down the street, so of course theres a lil kid (prob about 12-13) walking a rottweiler across the street walking the same direction as us, and hes kinda egging his dog on, so we take bobby down the alley and suddenly run into the same squad and that said car pulled over...and another squad and the occupants of the car yelling at all 4 officers and so i tell anth lets just stand here in case they need bobby (hehe) ....suddenly the situation calms and the occupants of the car go in their house and the officers go to leave, they pull up next to us and ask if we needed any questions and i say no...haha theyre laughin cause i have bobby wrapped so tightly around my hand now haha.....so that was literally three hours of our lives we will never get back for no reason! i hate that someone thought he was this big bad dog and instantly saw dollar signs...im thankful noone actually got hurt, and im glad we got bobby back....so its now 11pm, imma try to relax a little...and bobby is confined to his kennel for life! nah im kidding...i just have to be a little more ambivalent with his security!!!! ; ) i do give serious props to anthony for being so calm and mackenzie was reallllly good for the whole 2 hours standing around! and she charmed the officers! :) good NIGHT!!!

tina

HAPPY EASTER!!!

they had an easter egg hunt thing for the  kids at church so mackenzie lovved that! and she got new shoes and a beautiful scarf for her hair, she was truly a princess today!

enjoy the pics!