Its ALMOST thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant wait till thursday!!!!! then i will have wheels for a week! yay...haha....im straight....seriously hyper today cause i got off my ass and did something...oh my goodness...i got up at 815 cause babys therapist was here, then decided instead of trying to put baby back for a nap, i told cousin to get dressed, we are going to the park. so we walked to the bank, needed milk for baby, and then we went to the park. took a bunch of pics since lost all the other ones, then went to grocery store and got the babys milk, some waffles and some choc milk for cousin and then went home. then about half an hour later, took baby and cousin outside and played catch on lawn while baby sat and watched...now have put baby to nap and am figuring out weekend plans...cant go to chicao...BUMMED about that but gas flew up to $3 a gallon and is going up more before friday so that blew that outta the water...oy....well gotta go for now....i seem to have alienated my friend again...what else is new? ha

Long time....

well its been a while since i entered anything here so since i had a free moment i thought id enter some thing...spent majority of the weekend being sick, cleaning, moving, and fighting although not in that particular order. kids came over saturday, and basically to make a long story short, son got angry at me and started punching me, i grabbed his arms and told him he cant punch people, my "mother" came over , hugged son and then told me right in front of son and daughter1 that i never loved son in the first place! what the f#$@??!! i dont get it...although now i am more then ever determined to only acknowledge one child and thats the one i have here now...when they are older then son and daughter1 will know the truth and hopefully they will forgive me for leaving their lives now but will understand it was the best thing for everyone at this time...great aunt is in nursing home successfully...although she seems worse off then we originally thought as she has not much idea who we are...i got a desk that they were going to throw out so thats cool and i got a bed and a dresser. so spent most of today setting up the bed and organizing all of babys clothes into the dresser. can you believe that the babys clothes take up two dressers, two 3 drawer rubbermaid carts AND there is still more that isnt put out right now cause its all winter clothing???!! will need to go through those winter things as baby has grown three inches since winter and i am already seeing pajamas and things that dont fit her now...got into some trouble last nite but am ok and baby is ok so now big deal...please dont ask about it cause i dont quite want to talk about it....only know that we are both ok... have a huge mess and have barely put a dent in it today so far after about two hours cleaning non-stop...haha...oh well gotta get back to the grindstone as they say...later all

Hmmm.....

well i did it...i canceled everything yesterday. i feel better? not sure yet what the future will bring only know i wasnt prepared for the problems that this lawsuit was bringing on...am ok i think..not sure yet...wondering if im stable...have never felt this way in my life but alot of things have changed recently too so i dont know how i will feel when the dust settles...i have decided to go to chicago for the day when we have the car in the beginning of september, we are going to the museum of science and industry...so far is me and my little cousin and the baby of course! ok well gotta get some sleep will blog more tomorrow just letting u all know kinda what happened yesterday.

I dont wanna talk about it.....

i think that i have decided its in my best interest with everything that has happened and with baby and they way that the bureau has managed to twist my words and actions, that i have to tell my lawyer tomorrow that i want to drop the whole case. i no longer feel that the bureau is going to help me, instead i now feel that they are going to do what happened with daughter1 and they will twist things to make them look better and me to be some kind of monster. if i continue with this case things are going to get REALLY ugly and a lot worse then they already are and right now to me, its not worth losing baby over. i dont feel that i am doing nething to "endanger" her but i now know that the bureau thinks otherwise and thats not something that i am comfortable with. so with a discontented sigh and a heavy heart, i will tell my lawyer that i no longer think this case is appropriate to continue fighting. if my mother feels that she doesnt want me to see my kids that particular time , i know in my heart that there will be a time when she does want me there so i dont think i care anymore...i just cant keep fighting........im tired im literally tired of everything and everyone judging my every move and thats what this has turned into. its no longer "whats best for the kids", but 'whats the worst thing we can do to sunshine'. and i am DONE.

Court was today

OMG......i dont even think there are words enough to express all the rage and hurt that i feel right this minute...i have NEVER felt soo betrayed by any one person in my life and to think the person that betrayed me was my own "mother". thats in quotations now cause as far as im concerned that lady is nooooo mother to me, no way if she can hurt me and say the things that she has said about and to me..... first off we got to court and everything was fine...she went to talk to a lady that i correctly assumed was her lawyer..well now im wondering where my lawyer is...we went into court and the judge asks appearances dadadah and then he asks me what more i think i want from visitations so i said well for one thing i would like to be able to see my kids without supervision i dont think that that is right..and i would like to not have to tell her what we are doing and where we are going every visit...so the judge says to the bailiff guy to call cause im going to need a lawyer and then suddenly just as he is wrapping up (we have to go back again) this guy wallks in and sits down next to me...turns out to be my lawyer...didnt get much of a chance to talk to him because he has other cases but i will be meeting him at his office on wednesday afternoon....anyways i did get a chance to read the bureaus home reports of me and her....turns out that according to the reports : ( 1. i locked daughter1 in the bathroom as a punishment one day and since that day she has had problems going to the bathroom as she was potty trained before that incident...2. i let son outside to play one day and kept him in the sun all day and caused his face to swell up...3. i have called her repeatedly while drunk asking to visit the kids...4.i attempted to take my kids out of town with an UNKNOWN male...5. that i said to the lady that i frequently get angry when im taking care of the kids and that if i get upset i walk away and leave the kids with my parent and other person...6. that i said that if i cant leave the kids with parent then i tell them to give me a minute and leave me alone...7. that safety services were sent to my home to address the ladys concerns for babies safety and that i told them although i drink to the point of passing out that i dont have a drinking problem, she emphasizes that i dont have a drinking problem came out of my mouth three or four times during the hour conversation...7. that the only reason that baby was left here in my care was because my parent and other person are here to assure her saftey with me...) ok now for the truth.... 1. i didnt lock the door and i was in there with daughter1 i put the toilet seat down and sat on it while she kicked and screamed and threw a fit..in about three minutes she sat up wiped her eyes and said " im done now" and we continued out to the kitchen to finish what we were doing at the time; also daughter1 has been having problems with her potty skills for a VERY long time before that incident occured...in fact shortly after she started school she began wearing the pull ups and that was nothing to do with me... 2. there was NO time in my memory that "mother" called up saying that son had a swelled face, she lets them outside to play too and i am not going to sit in a house all day and pretend that they are not kids they are going to be able to do things and have fun when i have them... 3. i NEVER called her to visit my kids when i as drunk, there may have been times that i called her when i was drunk but NEVER to see the kids... 4. that UNKNOWN male was BLEEP and i asked if we could take them to wisconsin dells and she said no so that was the end of it, i might add that she did let us take them to the fun world in brookfield that VERY SAME day to go miniature golfing... 5. the lady asked if i ever get upset when visiting the kids and if i do what do i do? my response was :" there are times i get upset, if i do then i walk away into another room for a minute to calm down or they have a timeout if they are misbehaving or if i cant walk into another room, then i tell them i need a minute and they are usually quiet for a minute or two. "... 6. stated there in last quote... 7. thats complete b.s. as far as im concerned that lady said when she left that things seemed ok here, that im not drunk when she came and that baby has a good house and i seem ok to have her, never ONCE did she say "well we would take her but since you have your parent here then we will let her stay" how much goddamn sense does that make? in all honesty!

i am hurt and confused as i NEVER thought that my mother would lie like that to them about me...i cant believe that i thought that she cared about me and that i BELIEVED that she would tell the truth..obviously the woman has NO heart or soul and i seriously hope there is a GOD to give her her "justice" when she dies because i dont know what on earth i ever did to that woman to lie like that about me....

Message to you

I can only hope that you will read this since you wont respond to my emails or my phone calls. i was sick...very very sick and im starting to get better now. you have struggled with many of the same issues that i was and am struggling with right now. i have finally gotten back on my meds and i have stopped drinking. you were and are a very important person in my life and i am sooo sorry that i have alienated you twice now as it may be. you have shunned me for a year also and i have accepted you back with open arms. but i am scared that now i have lost you forever because i put to words my emotions on a particualrily bad day for me... i know the situation and that you cant always be there for me, however i get angry when im going through a particualarily tough time and you arent available for me to cry on your shoulder...ive loved you a long time and i know you have felt the same about me even if on a different level....i have tried to contact you for over a month now and heard no reply and i am worried and scared that something more then your unwillingness to speak to me is going on ...PLEASE if you are reading this now just email me, call me or instant message me that you are ok and dont want to talk to me...i miss you and our "special" bond please dont lock me out of your life forever without at least telling me thats what you are doing.............

FINALLY BACK ONLINE

OY!!!!!!! Its been a long time since i was here. see that when i was here last i was REALLLY depressed. im now back on meds although today is only the second day of the new ones so they havent really kicked in yet, will be interesting cause im beginning a manic epsiode. have never gone on meds while manic always was depressed so will be interesting to see what happens. alot has happened since i was online last. for one my computer crashed BIG time and the guy has had it for three days now and then finally today called and said that he will give me a new one cause that one will requre major work to fix. hes a sweetie sometimes...haha...i got home and tried to reinstall sbc dsl and it wouldnt recognize my modem well then after having a total breakdown, i got smart and thought i would reinstall the ethernet card...upon opening the computer up i saw the ethernet card was not completely plugged in so i took it out and re plugged it in and voila! im now happily online. yay for me. i also have my webcam back so thats great too... what else? ah yes how could i forget? someone called social services on me and they came last wednesday and they investigated or whatever and determined there is nothing to make them concerned aboutthe baby ..that was good. i have stopped drinking! oh boy hey im still fun when im sober probably more so cause i know what the hell im doing and can walk straight! haha....yes as of august 7th 2005 (my angels birthday) i am now a sober woman....its been a tough couple days but i think im gonna make it this time...this time i know what im in for i guess and i know that i have the support that i need from family and friends....speaking of family....i am planning a trip to visit my birth mother in BLEEP on september 1st, the third time seeing her but the 1st time driving alone and also the 1st time she will see the baby. so it should be exciting. we are leaving around midnight the 1st as i think that is the best time to travel with the baby so that she will sleep (hopefully , knock on wood) and also i should be able to avoid major traffic in chicago and stuff. well thats a simple update and i have to go as she is crying again to be attended to haha....i will write more tonite or tomorrow. later all