happy thanksgiving

well happy thanksgiving...mine went well until later in the evening when my mother decided to start drama which what else is new? it was a holiday of course and she had to ruin it you know? oh well im not going to waste my energy dwelling on it...i am going to call my lawyer and begin the court proceedings again though and im assured that will be a fight to the end...and i will keep you posted on the details of the journey with that...on another note...my husband and i are getting along great and im so happy today that he is here with me. i think my meds are finally kicking in and that makes me happy too...although i have gained CONSIDERABLE weight in two months and that makes me unhappy :( but there is nothing i can really do but go excercise so that is my christmas present to myself. to go back to the YMCA. i got a postcard in the mail that says if i join before december 15th they will waive the joining fee so thats cool...its worth it...well its getting late i have to go shovel on more time before bed so i will keep you posted..later
sunshine

hmm

just came across some things in an old junk box and some things i do sometimes is collect sayings and stuff so wanted to post some that i found that are still neat to see and hear...obviously since its from a while ago i have no idea who to give credit to for them so here they are anonymously...

"love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed ; to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed ; to those who still need love even though they've been hurt before. "

never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you dont love that person when you you really dont want to let go.

love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear

dont cry over anyone who wont cry over you

everything is okay in the end. if its not okay, then its not the end

the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else

when it hurts to look back, and your scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will always be right there

dont frown you never know who is falling in love with your smile

what do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry in the first place?

*** any and all feedback is appreciated you can be anonymou thanks
sunshine

im so damn confused

im so damn confused is the best title...was not sure what color i wanted to go with there for the post here so was experimenting and obviously had settled on this one..anyways....so today was at this seminar thing for the church group that i wanted to get involved with and it happened to be a seminar on helping recognize child predators and such and such a thing and i was kinda hit in a few places that hurt and you know naturally when you are hurting the one thing you want to do is come home and be held by the one person in your life that ou trust and it seems that my husband has other things on his plate and in his mind besides comforting me and at this point i cant deal anymore! i just am giving it all up cause im so sick of all this shit with him. there are days that he loves me more then words and then there are days that im treated worse then the damn cat and thats not fair. and tonight and last night i told him so. i told him last night hey im on the verge of cheating on you. i came into this relationship and you were all lovey dovey and blah blah blah and now you arent. and there are people that i can talk to online and get more love from them then im getting from you and i dont understand that! and he really didnt say much and so then i was like whatever and then he walked in on me talking to my mom and i didnt change anything i was saying and i think it hit him then how serious i was bout it and then all of a sudden his whole attitude changed cause then suddenly he was all playing and happy and shit and stuff and then now today hes back to being a bitch ass and i dont get it anymore. im not going to let anyone get me down like this and damn that he is and damn that i am. it sucks. but its going to end now. cause im not going to do this. well i gotta go make some soup or something...tty all later

She has the whole world in her hands.....

Its so strange to think of the things i do when im in a mood, whether it be manic or depressed...when i attempt to think of them from my daughters eyes. is she going to remember them 20 years from now? 10 years? even four years from today....am i going to be doing something and she will come up to me and be like "mom why did you do........" and go off onto something really stupid that i did when i was in a mood? example...i was putting the laundry away and walked into her room, turned on the light and began putting things away ; my husband ( of 46 days haha ) was like now i know you arent going to go in there and wake her up...and it confused me cause ive been doing it since she was born...i mean she is used to me sleeping in there with her this is all new that im not sleeping in there with her ( new for 44 days ) and it made me seriously think...i am always going in there subjecting her to my moods...when im depressed i go in there and hold her and talk to her and when im manic im always in there in the middle of the night doing things..looking for something that i probably have long since thrown out or grown out of or whatever the mania is causing me to go hysterical about at that particular night....and you know - she ALWAYS has a smile and a hug for me....i think thats what brings me to tears all the damn time...she never judges why im in there, never seems to get mad or throw a fit like she does when she doesnt get her way, she just puts her nookie in her bucket, puts her little hands around my neck and pats my back like she does when she so lovingly gives me a hug and then when i lean back with my eyes full of tears, she smiles the most beautiful smile and reaches for her nookie before reaching for her bed....and as i tuck her back in she lifts her little arms for her "bankie" to be put under them and then she holds both nookies and smiles and rolls over to sleep again, satisfied that all is right in her little world, in her eyes its enough to save a life with just a hug and a smile....and from her.....it really is!