BAD PLACE IN LIFE RIGHT NOW.....

its the holidaze so that means with it, my mood has plummeted extremely loww...there are so many things already going on and then people that sposedly love me add more to it! i miss emily sooo extremely badd. im struggling with my parenting ability and whether im doing the right thing with mackenzie. im struggling with whether to stay married for her sake and try to work it out. im not feeling well. (think i have the flu for the billionth time this season so far) just soooo extremely tired out. i want to just sleep and not live right now. like a bear that hibernates in the winter time. i want to hibernate. and then there is the bs that my family is piling up on me. my *** was supposed to come to my house for thanksgiving and then suddenly changed her plans when my brother invited them to their house. well if that didnt make me feel like sh*t but oh well i thought i was the bigger person and invited them over for friday instead. well then there was an incident with dorein and so my mom decided that she was going to be all involved with things that DIDNT concern her, and so now they arent coming at all. which is fine. but THEN she goes and talks to doreins (soon to be ex-) wife and tells her all kinda mess about my life. and the things i have done.

so let me clear the air here a little. i was a stripper for two years. and you know what? call me a slut all you want, but i did what i HAD to do what i HAD to do to pay my bills and put food in my babys stomach. and you know what else? yes i was raped...haha thats a big funny joke cause im the big a** hoe that sleeps with anyone right? well you know what thats fine, but the man was prosecuted and serving time in jail so evidently SOMEONE believed me...and yes i suffered certain traumas as a child but you know what? you can deny it all you want, i KNOW what i went through and it doesnt much matter to me. God will judge you in your final days. and thats all that matters to me. and you know what? im an alcoholic and ive tried drugs and maybe it led me to do some seriously stupid shi* in my life and oh well!!! im HUMAN !!!

but why on every mother freaking holiday do you need to cause chaos and pain in my life??? please stay out then from now on cause i have enough going on to take care of

.... and it starts tomorrow...im getting back on my medications to treat my bipolar disorder, and im going to go back to my pastor to get some counseling so i CAN lead a better life then i have the past 29 years. when i turn 30 in january, i want to be on the road to recovery; spiritually, emotionally and physically.

and im not ashamed of ANYTHING i have done or gone through. it made me the person i am now in my life and stronger then anyone i know!!!

Happy Thanksgiving !!! im blessed and thankful for my kids and my husband. they are my reasons for living!

-tina




even though Emily was adopted, she will ALWAYS be a part of my family!!!

AND SHE LOVESSS TO DANCE....

SOUTHRIDGE MALL TODAY....

went to southridge with dusty and daniel and her niece dakota. had fun but frustrated that the pics with santa - they dont let parents take their own pics now, you have to pay for at least one pic and the cheapest one is 14 bucks!!! sad!

NATALIE SENT PICS TODAY !!!! FILED PAPERS....

im soooooooo excited...she sent pics of emily !!! she looks great!!! her hair is in pigtails!!! OMG!!!
for more pics, check out my facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/emmysmami?ref=profile or my myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/emmysmami ...

filed for divorce today.....

A BIRTHDAY STORY....BRANDON

ITS A ....STORY OF MY KIDS BIRTHDAYS.....

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

just sitting here having random thoughts...keep reminiscing with anthony about the day mackenzie was born , and it occured to me that i actually remember the day each one of my kids were born...so thought i would share with you too! haha

Brandon -
April 16, 1998
7 lbs. 12 oz. 21 inches long
2:01pm

I woke up at about 1am (?) and went to use the bathroom. I remember this VIVIDLY because it was so funny! anyways (remembering that i was adopted and my mom never had a child of her biological own) im on the toilet for like 10 minutes.... "peeing" and my mom comes to ask if im ok. (i had been having gallbladder attacks for the past two weeks before this day) and i answer, yeah i just cant stop peeing! so we're sitting there laughing about it, and my cousin calls. well they lived on the other side of the duplex house and the walls were so thin, they heard my mom and i laughing...so she calls and asks whats going on. and my mom says that i cant stop peeing and my cousin says her water broke!!! haha so my mom goes NUTS...and we wake up my brother and tell him he has to take me to the hospitol cause im in labor ...of course hes upset but he got up. so i tell mom well let me take a shower first, hahahaha yes i thought that it was over....well i took my shower and then OF COURSE i kept "peeing" haahaa...anyways we got to the hospitol and met (the father) there. so my brother went home and mom and and i went up to labor and delivery. soooo basically they hooked me up to all this stuff and we sat there until about 10am. then the drs said well since your water broke, you are going to have the baby today, but you arent contracting. so we decided we would walk around the hallways. welllllll yea that got things moving! and let me tell you that first contraction??? i was barely 18 and i think i thought i was going to die young! hah....anyways since i was actually already dilated to 6 centimeters (earlier labors that were stopped) i got to get my epidural pretty quickly. i cried! i wont lie i did. i was terrified cause they tell me to stay absolutely still while im in the middle of a very intense painful contraction!! they said they couldve paralyzed me!!! anyways got through it and was kinda happy for a little while. they told me to start pushing at about 12 noon. well then at about 12:30 they did the unthinkable. they said i wasnt pushing effectively and they would have to "turn down" the epidural....F that they turned that darn thing OFF !!! to this day, i dont know how i didnt kill someone. haha...i am told i had a few choice words for the drs when they told me to push harder...hehe...anyways i pushed for two hours straight. until i soooo was done and telling them to just gimme a c section haha....and then all of a sudden , i thought i was going to die....and they started yelling push push push and my mom was crying....and then she said, he has red hair !!!! 2 hard hours of steady pushing later, my first born was welcomed into the world. he was a redhead. and he had the most beautiful hazel eyes.... actually ran through the hallways of the labor and delivery ward of st. josephs hospitol screaming that his son looked just like him! and it was so cute....less then 10 hours later, said person was leaving his 18 year old "baby mama" in the hospitol to go on an emergency firefighter call for three hours while she had 22 stitches where there should NEVER be stitches...but i digress......i had a son....and it was the most wonderful thing in the world. and i was NEVER going to do THAT again!!!

(brandon went to live with my mom in september of 1998 when he was just over 5 months old. i have maintained a bond with him and am a steady part of his life. pays child support but has chosen to not be a physical part of his sons life at this time.)

CONFUSED ABOUT DAYCARE SITUATION

VERY CONCERNED
Current mood: irate
Category: Life

i dont know what to do anymore. i am ready to check into the hospitol cause i think i am literally LOSING MY MIND !!! this is an entirely different daycare with different people. i have visited it twice before leaving mackenzie there, and still there are problems. now i totally understand that kids are kids and some peoples kids act worse then mine and as such i should not overreact if mackenzie comes home with scratches or bites from other kids, but wouldnt the daycare people call? or send a note home at least? i know they did for emily and annmarie when she was a baby. here is a copy of my version of events over the last week. please tell me what you think cause i am losing it here !!!

............

10/30/09 Friday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at 8am. Called daycare around 530pm because I was told they leave the daycare to bring her home at 430pm. Was told they had just left and she would be home shortly. At 630pm, Anthony called me and asked if I had picked her up, I said no. Was then informed that she wasn’t home yet. Called daycare and was told that the driver was routed back to the daycare because she had vomited in the daycare van about 4 times and the driver was concerned about her well-being. I arrived at the daycare approximately 645pm, and the van was just leaving again. Mackenzie was in the daycare in a change of clothing and seemed to be fine although her eyes were a bit “glassy” which to me indicated she had indeed been sick. She was alert and happy to see me and seemed tired. There was also “residue” on her jacket again indicating she had indeed vomited. The teacher from her room was already gone at that time, but the teacher there informed me that she had not eaten at all that day.

.. ..

After picking her up from daycare, she cried the whole way home. And then fell asleep in the car. Then about an hour later, she woke up crying, and was bought into the living room. I noticed a mark on her leg that I thought was a bite mark and took a photo to document it. She then vomited about two more times. We decided to give her some sips of Gatorade because we didn’t want to give her any food and she doesn’t like pedialyte. She layed down on the floor with her blanket and about 5 minutes later, sat up and began to vomit and choke to the point that we called 911 to send an ambulance. At this time her coloring was extremely white and we were scared. By the time the ambulance arrived and we got to childrens hospital, about 20-30 minutes later, Mackenzie vomited again in the ER ambulance bay and then we were led to the waiting room, where she seemed to “come alive” again and no longer seemed sick. We were directed to “emergency room 2” on the second floor where we decided to take her home without being examined because she was running around and seemed to have made a recovery. (at this point I had completely forgotten about the mark on her leg and didn’t notice if it was still there or not until Sunday when the mark was gone.)

............

No new symptoms were noticed throughout the weekend, mom was sick with vomiting and diarrhea on Sunday but was feeling better Monday.

.. ..

.. ..

November 2, 2009 Monday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at approximately 8am, Dropped off at home around 550pm. She was tired and napped until about 8pm. Then she woke up and was “hording” food. She was stuffing her mouth with food to the point that she couldn’t shut it, and if I refused to put more food in her mouth, she began to tantrum and cry. This lasted about 20 minutes and she consumed a fair amount of pot roast before calming down and acting normally the rest of the evening, going to bed around 11pm.

.. ..

.. ..

November 3, 2009 Tuesday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at approximately 730am. I called daycare around 10am to see how Mackenzie was doing and was told she was fine. She was dropped off around 540pm. I wasn’t home at the time and was told she had a scratch on her nose when I did get home. She wanted to go to sleep so was put in her crib. About 20 minutes later she was crying and was bought out to the living room. I noticed the scratch on her nose as well as reddening and a scratch under her right eye. She ate some buttered noodles and was ok. She was then returned to bed around 8pm and was quiet (sleeping?) until about 840pm when I heard her crying a weird cry. Went to see and she had again vomited in her crib. Upon removing her clothing to give her a bath and clean her up, I noticed multiple scratches on her right shoulder that seem to have matched the scratch on her nose as far as depth and intensity.

MACK CLEANING THE TOILET !!!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=100343576



its too cute!! haha shes two and wants to clean the toilet! AND she did a GOOD job!!!!