Friday almost midnite

well am out of the worst i think...get the kids tomorrow so of course mother is starting shit...now going on and on about older daughter having FAS....i admitted from the day she was born that i drank while pregnant with her but dr.s were not concerned that she had FAS cause no physical abnormalities...so i told her that we could get her tested now and she called me a bitch and hung up the phone...dunno what was so wrong about that....but oh well...have back pain and really need to buy a bed haha...maybe a christmas present this year,,,,well going to sleep now letting the world know im still alive

Friday yay!!

Life sucks...have tooooooooo much to do today...have to go cancel membership at the Y, maybe not sure yet on that one....have to go to the library and return the books i read already and get the one i have on hold...have to CLEAN my room as the bureau of milwaukee child welfare will be here bright and early wednesday morning...and i have absolutely NOO energy. getting annoyed cause the people i wanna talk to arent around or maybe are ignoring me....are u ignoring me?? oh well life sucks...will write more after i nap and then do my "chores" for today...later world

The irony

Since i cant seem to copy and paste i have to retype all this shit cause im not sure whats copyright and whats not. the irony is that my childhood, this was like THE song for me...the irony is that i was being sexually molested too....go figure

Amy grant/ tom hemby
copyright 1991 age to age music, inc. / edward grant, inc./ puxico music (ascap), adm. by reunion music groud, inc.

This song is about a girlfriend of mine. if you or someone you love has been a victim of sexual abuse, please don't be afraid to seek help. the sexual abuse helpline is oepn 24 hours a day, and someone who cares is waiting for your call...(800)4a-child

((those are the words that amy grant says before she begins to sing this song. now here are the lyrics to the song. they are quite powerfull))

I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
she takes another bath and she sprays her mommas perfume
to try to wipe away the scent he left behind
but it haunts her mind

you see shes his little rag nothing more then just a waif
and hes mopping his need, she is tired and afraid
maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear

ask me if i think theres a God up in the heaven
where did he go in the middle of her shame?
ask me if i think theres a God up in the heavens
i see no mercy and no one down heres naming names
nobodys naming names

now shes looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
no more frightened little girl like shes gone without a trace
still she leaves a light burning in the hall
its hard to sleep at all

still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
deep inside shes listening for a creaking in the house
but noones left to harm her shes finally safe and sound
theres a peace she has found

ask her how she knows theres a God up in the heaven
where did he go in the middle of her shame?
ask her how she knows theres a God up in the heavens
she said his mercy is bringing her life again

ask me how i know theres a God up in the heaven
(how do you know)
where did he go in the middle of her shame
(where did he go)
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens
(how do you know)
she said his mercy is bringing her life again
shes coming to life again

hes in the middle of her pain
in the middle of her shame
mercy brings life
hes in the middle
mercy in the middle

so ask me how i know
ask me how i know yeah
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heaven
(how do you know)
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens
(how do you know)
yeah ask me how i know
(how do you know)
ask me
ask me
ask me how i know
(how do you know)
theres a God up in the heavens
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens

Manic and Depressed

I wrote this 'poem' about three weeks after i attempted suicide in March of 2002. I wrote it on April 18th 2002.


The road ends here
Only dirt and darkness
Noone around
only me

My heart begins to pound
my head begins to spin
my hands shake as my resolve grows weak.

i pick up the bottle
the warm liquid burns my throat
i begin to cry
i thought i was stronger
i know im not

why am i so sad?
noones here
noone cares
they say they do but they arent around

i pick up the bottle of pills
my hands tremble
as my finger links on the "do not drink" label

i open the bottle and throw my head back
i let them all fall in, back to my throat
i take another quick swig and finish my alcohol

my breathing becomes quick
my pulse gets weak
its almost time
i begin to think

everything goes black
when i wake up
im looking down

my mom is crying
my dad is too
"im sorrry" i yell
they cant hear me though

oh no...im dead....


dont think of that as a threat or "premonition" into what im feeling right now cause im not thinking of commiting suicide and if i was i know there are places to go right now. im just simply rehashing what happened that night. more so for myself then anyone else. im losing my mind slowly but certainly and that is the path im headed towards again. this time is different though. not ten feet away from me, an angel sleeps. she is truly my gift from God. after all the miscarriages and the pain i suffered with my last one being two months early, this one went without a hitch. and yet there are so many tests and trials that i am going through now with this angel that i dont quite know what my next step will be. i only know that i need to be here when she wakes up at 5am for that bottle. for now she is the only one that needs me and the funniest thing, i need her more then she will ever know............

Sunday Afternoon

Eh....thats how i feel right now. evidently i am no longer a part of this family as i am never invited to "family" functions anymore. whatever baby and i "bonded" and had a good night together alone. i am taking her to the museum tomorrow and that should be awesome...my little cousin BLEEP is going to come with us. we are leaving at 830am hopefully...i say hopefully cause im not 100 percent sure that BLEEP will be here on time...haha but oh well thats ok. i asked if BLEEP could go since he will be here but his mom said no. i dont think she trusts me on the bus alone with her son but oh well not my problem. i am going to take BLEEP and we will have a blast. he went with us on the 3rd to the zoo and to the fireworks too so thats cool. i have a tight bond with that kid and i try to be there for him as much as possible. well i have to get some sleep now cause its already after midnite and i have to be ready to go by 830am. night world

Saturday Night

Well the visit went well...Got the kids at 11am and went to Sussex Lions Daze until 1pm. The heat was crazy bad. Baby lost her pacifier at the end so was kinda bummed about that...The kids had a good time though. Son went all the way up to the slide thing and then decided last minute that he didn't want to go down, so I went up and was sitting there and was going to go down with him ( I was terrified) I hate heights and that slide was no joke...But last minute he decided no way was he going down the slide and started running down the stairs so that was my cue, hell no I wasn't going down that damn thing. So the guy that operated the ride said that he wasn't going to refund the 3 dollars so that sucked, but oh well. They all went on this car ride. Baby rode in the middle although her face wasn't to happy with it. Haha. Then the girls went on the merry go round, I stood in between them and held onto their backs, then daughter1 and son went on these lizards that were like the dumbo ride in Disney, and the alligator roller coaster. I have a massive migraine from the heat and sun so am going to shower and go sleep. Shadow is pissed that he was here all day alone and once again has tipped over his food dish. Not amusing. Cats don't seem to be all that fun anymore. I'm rethinking this whole pet idea although I will never take him back to the humane society cause I rescued him ha..So I need to care for him. I have my own quirks too so oh well. Am going back on my meds tomorrow ( I think) have to call Walgreen to see if my rx is ready. So will see how long takes to feel "normal" again. Although to me that isn't normal. normal is what I feel like right now and have for the past 20 years. That's what people don't understand, you go your whole life feeling a certain way and then the meds they help when you are depressed but when you are manic its what you miss when you are on the meds. Oh well goodnite world.

Friday

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel like moving much today and its hott as hell too....Have a job interview today at 3pm although I'm soooo tempted to skip out on it...Its about noon almost and I have to get moving before my dad wakes at 130 cause he is driving me but I have to take the bus home...At least I'm getting a ride there though....I feel miserable today...My arms are hurting and my leg hurts badly too. At least shadow doesn't smell anymore and his fur is nice and soft again. He has been by my side all day today think he knows he hurt me but I know he didn't mean to he was just beyond scared ha. Wont be doing that again. Will write more after my interview tonite.

Shadow is terrified of the hair dryer

Sooooo Miss bright ideas stopped over today and thought that it would be a GREAT idea to give Shadow a bath outside since it was such a warm day....wellllll Shadow had other ideas. Actually the bath went over without a big problem, however when we got into the house and dried him off with a towel still not that great of a problem. The horror began when the hair dryer was switched on. Well needless to say we got BLEEP ( my little cousin that I was babysitting) out of the kitchen without a scratch, me well that was another story. I have two beautiful VERY PAINFUL scratches about three inches long on my left leg. Thankfully they aren't very deep. Well I must go recuperate now as baby has woken from her nap. Yes I had enough sense to keep baby away from the situation! Later

Today is Thursday

What else is new right? Ha oh well...Was going to go to the pet store and get a nail trimmer to declaw shadow but the store didn't open for another twenty minutes so we went to wal-mart and I found one there along with some toys...Got a little post thing that has a ball sticking out of it; a package with three crinkle balls, three balls with bells in and three catnip mice; and a 99 cent fishing pole toy....Did you ever notice that there is not a cent sign on the computer keyboard? I just noticed that...There is a $ sign but no cent sign! That's kinda crazy....Yea I notice stupid things sometimes...Oh well....Talked to my mother and she is going to let the kids over this Saturday and then dad said that his friend is going to work at the fair in Sussex so we are going to go to there on Saturday at 11am....That should be fun....Dad said we will go out to lunch today at 130pm so that's cool...Its already 1200pm so only an hour and a half to nap ...I better get on it hah....Night night for now...Will report more later....

Back to crappy days again

so although yesterday was a better day, i have come crashing back to earth with a loud thud. got a rejection letter from potowatomi saying they have decided to go with more qualified candidates. i was applying to pour sodas for goodness sake! whatever.. then got a letter from my case worker informing me that although i now have medical insurance, i no longer have child care! wonder fuckin full!!! now i can throw school out the door for this september. i think i will pack all my things and move to alaska. ha things have to be better there then here, if not at least its not so darn hott. im going to sleep for a little while im quite depressed again...oh well life sucks...later

tuesday seems to be bringing a better day

Manic and Depressed
rough day today although is better then the last few combined...friend of mine whom i care deeply about (wink wink) is getting me my own private paradise for a night haha....wonderful although requires much planning on our parts but oh well its all worth it in the end...have to get m butt moving and although im ecstatic to see him tonite, i have no motivation to move....i know i can veg when i get there so that makes a difference...emily has croup as the dr. finally called last nite. he said that she should be better tomorrow meaning thursday...im kinda worried though as she had her adenoids removed a month ago and the dr then explained that if they happened to remove too much tissue there could be complications with her sppech and/ or swallowing and although they came after surgery and explained that all went well, im concerned maybe all wasnt well or isnt well now.....oh dwell....she is at daycare now and i will pick her up later as it is raining right now...blah day but oh well thats ok...well i must go now to pursue happiness if only for a couple hours........

no more drama today?

Manic and Depressed

what a day today was....went to my exs house last nite and spent the night as he had showed up unexpectedly....so thinking it would be a carefree night away from all the drama, i went...well finally got baby to sleep by 10pm although her bedtime is 830, i didnt have a crib for her so thought that was ok to veer off her routine for one night...anyways the room she was in seemed really hott and so after a half hour i took her out and then the cough started...she had this same cough once before a month ago on another particualrily hott night that ended with her in the emergency room all weekend severly dehdrated and on i.v. fluids...so of course i was worried and wanted to take her to hospitol right then and there but since we were relying on public transportation and no car, thought to stay until morning and then reasses the situation to see if an E.R. visit was still necessary. We slept an hour later then usual and were out the door fifteen minutes later at 10 am. Got home around 1150am and since then baby has been coughing this hoarse cough and sleeping away the day. Put in a call to the pediatrician at 1pm and still as of now, 549 pm, have not heard back from them. Dont know if its possible to get whooping cough in the summer but it almost sounds like that...well will call dr again in the morning as the clinic is now closed. things with dad and grandma are quite confusing...dad not speaking more then what is neccesary and grandma is nice one minute and angry the next...will keep posted on that status...thats all for now i guess

BADDDD visit

Manic and Depressed
so today was supposed to see the kids. parent a went to get them adn then when a got here to the house, i suggested we go to the mall so then grandparent q decided to open her mouth and so i told her to stay out of it and parent a decided to scream at top of lungs, told to calm down kids were getting upset and then a went to hit me and hit child y instead. then i got mad and went to call police, parent a grabbed phone from me adn then i went to get out of house and parent a backed me into corner and while im holding my 2 year old, punches me in face and gives me bloody lip. then i go to get out of hosue to use payphone to call police and grandparent q decides to block me so i cant leave and parent a is behind shoving me to get out the door and then i fall into grandparent q causing q to fall down over which i then trip because now parent a has said a will kill me for knocking q down, a gets my shoe off as i get out the door with shaking child in arms and then stop a second to get other shoe off so i can walk normally, a rushes outside to tell me to come back in the house to get q up off floor and not to call police cause a will lose job, like i care! i have a bloody lip and im holding my two year old this whole time!! i cant stand this shit anymore. want to leave this planet but have child to take care of and noone else to help out. need another home to live in cause this home is no longer safe for me.

today sucks

so today is another day....had a job interview and was told that i would recieve a phone call within a week for a second interview...am not quite sure about this blogg thing but what the hell cant hurt to try it...might even get some interesting feedback.....im interested in finding out anyone who has kids and is bipolar....im bipolar and have a baby and its difficult and i guess it would be interesting to hear other peoples experiences....hate summer and really hate days like today...its cool and warm at the same time and thats weird and very uncomfortable...the kitchen has air and thats nice but the living room has no air and its HOTT!!! got a letter from my "prison buddy" as my family calls him...basically some one who i have been talking to for a year and so thats all good...well i guess thats all for now