SUMMING UP MY GRADE LAST MOD.....

soooo huh....I am my own worst enemy...got a 92.3% overall last mod. and 93% is high honors. so i went to my teacher and said seriously?! 4/10 of a percent?! and you know WHY tina didnt get that .4% ??? cause she couldnt keep her stupid mouth shut those first couple days of class and lost her professionalism points.....OOOOOOO! only got myself to be mad at.. on a better note...i got a 92.3% !!! THATS AN A- folks!

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY MACKENZIE!!!!

the day we came home from the hospital , 3 days old!!!

your 1st birthday!!!

2 years old

3 years old today!!!

SOOO WHY DIDNT I GO THROUGH WITH SURGERY?

i posted some pics...and then realized i should explain...i was all ready to go! seriously was up early, got mackenzie ready and off to grandmas house, and we were waiting for pastor kate to come get anthony and i. i was kinda excited, i had waited a long time for this day to come and i was really surprised that i wasnt more happy...in fact i was starting to get a little scared....but off we went. we got to surgery and they asked for a urine sample to check to make sure i wasnt pregnant...but i had my tubes tied, and an ultrasound not even a week ago...im not pregnany...well they still needed the urine...ok done. so we sat down in the waiting room and then before you knew it the little thing was buzzing and lighting up and we went back to my room. they gave me this huge purple paper gown. they have new gowns that hook up to a machine that can warm you, they say its cause when you are in surgery, your body temperature needs to stay up and this machine thing works better then blankets. o.k. well lemme tell you, that thing has rubber in it, almost like wearing a giant heating pad with some paper covering it, so i was quite warm in it, needless to say i was sweating. so we were in the room about 2 hours, when they came to draw blood, ask more questions and then we were rolling...well i was rolling (anthony and pastor kate were walking) about 6 miles...nah im kidding but it seemed to take forever to get to the pre-op area. then the anesthesiologist came in...more questions...then he injected lidocaine into my hand and then the IV needle...i told him that next time could he ask before poking me twice cause i would much rather have not received the lidocaine if it meant bein poked twice....and then he injected something into my IV, and hooked up an antibiotic that the dr ordered and a saline bag....and left. the nurse came in with a nice little "hat" and said something about there was an emergency so we wouldnt be going into surgery for at least another 2 hours....WHAT?!?!?! not fair....ok whatever....so i asked anthony to take a quick picture, pastor kate said what? this isnt the time to take pictures, but i explained that i was celebrating this so she said ok and took a pic with me. then idk what happened. a whole mix of things....and i determined right then and there that i was NOT having surgery today. anthony and pastor kate tried to reassure me, and the nurse came in twice, or maybe 2 seperate nurses idk....and then finally anthony said lets get the dr. anthony said i was like this when i got my tubes tied too and the dr was able to calm me down. so the dr came in the room, took one look at me with the tears in my eyes, and said whats wrong? i told her i didnt know, i only knew i didnt want this surgery. she said that it was fine with her cause i was the one who wanted it, and that shes happy i backed out instead of having a surgery i didnt really need in her opinion and then regretting it later....anthony agreed. i wasnt able to look at the pictures until a little while ago without serious anxiety....so im kinda glad that my husband, pastor and dr. were able to understand that i wasnt freaking out or having a panic attack, i seriously didnt want this surgery...and i didnt get forced into it...and im happy and thats all that matters....so now goodnight .....theres the story!!!

~Tina

PRE-SURGERY PICTURES

ok i got my little surgery 'hat' on now, lets get this show on the road!!!

got the IV in my hand - we're ready to rock and roll folks!!

me with my pastor (Kate) im doing this on MY terms! celebrating haha!

anthony taking 'cutesy' pics...of my feet huh?!

this is the moment that i realized i was NOT going to have this surgery!

DIDNT HAVE SURGERY

i backed outta the surgery at the last possible moment....quite literally....anywho more details on that later...having serious panic attacks thinking about it....back to school thurday...happy 3rd birthday tomorrow to mackenzie!!! whoohoo we made it kiddo!!!

~Tina

D DAY - or should i say S DAY?

well today is THE day!!! ill see you all in a couple days....!!! keep the prayers coming!!

~Tina

SURGERY TOMORROW.....

well tomorrow is the day...huh...kinda depressed about the whole thing actually haha...imagine that...!!! had my mom and the kids over yesterday to celebrate emilys and mackenzies birthdays with cake and then anthony barbecued soem chicken and corn on the cob on the grill...was a long, exhausting day but it was nice to be able to remember emily and also spend time with the family i still have....so gonna lay on this heating pad cause God couldnt allow me to go into surgery without remembering why! lol...so whatever in some pain this weekend which sucks cause i was hoping to go into surgery without ever having to deal with this again but thats ok....only a couple more hours!!! pray for me!!! see you all soon!!!

anthony, brandon, my mom, annmarie and mackenzie

me, brandon, my mom, annmarie and mackenzie

~Tina

anthony, brandon (face cut off sorry!) my mom and mackenzie

an undecorated cake was 17 bucks, vs. a decorated one (not dora like i wanted - was 35 bucks)

EMILY IS 7 TODAY!!!

well happy birthday angel girl...7 years ago today, i was blessed with a true angel on earth...even back then i knew in my heart you were special and destined for great things...it was almost three years ago that i made the biggest mistake of my life and lost you, but God was watching and there were two angels that caught you....they are now your mommy and daddy....and you also have a little brother ! (congrats N and A on that adoption too!!!) i miss you more then i ever thought possible, but today is YOUR day angel girl and im not going to sit here crying and mourning my loss, but im going to celebrate your life, and your new life....we love you and miss you soooo much emily - so heres sending wishes and kisses on the wind!



love your first mama

EMILY WAS MISDIAGNOSED

so when i got the pics of emily, natalie had said that she was diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome except i couldnt remember drinking while pregnant with her...and sure enough researching last night found this syndrome which makes a LOT of sense since i took depakote the first three months of my pregnancy! i can NOT believe in all those years with alll those specialists NOONE ever suggested this and i looked through all my papers and its all there...every single thing starts out that the pregnancy was significant for depakote exposure...this syndrome was first recognized in 1980. WHY WAS MY DAUGHTER NEVER DIAGNOSED?!! and if you look at pictures of a child with this disorder, and then at emily, the dysmorphic facial features are the same!! insane...im sooo sad...have no way to tell her new mommy natalie...and i think she needs to know....sigh...my emily will be 7 tomorrow...her golden birthday....

~Tina

MACKENZIE'S PENFIELD GRADUATION

my baby is going to be three in a couple days!! argh!! so she is "graduating" from the birth to three program....they bought a cute little cap and gown....was so adorable and of course she had a fit and didnt wanna wear it...but i finally got it on her and got a few pics of her with amanda and sarah opening her present...a fairy castle! :)

~Tina

opening her present

a princess castle!

FOX SEEN @ SCHLITZ PARK TONIGHT !! 11PMish

SOOO ITS WEDNESDAY...5 MORE DAYS! :(

yep...only about 5 more days until i have my hysterectomy. in researching  the procedure , i can say that im not as prepared as i thought i was....im happy im having the surgery cause im having too many female issues...but im also starting to get a little nervous...there are so many questions that i should have asked my doctor at the last appointment...whats a serious, REAL recovery time? cause i cant miss anymore school and i plan to return a week after surgery...the 16th...and how much walking around will i be able to do should i be doing? and what if my husband decides that he cant handle mackenzie and me like he did when i had my tubes tied and had to be outta bed that same night taking care of her? sigh...and why am i getting this stupid biological clock ticking so loudly when ive already had 4 kids and i KNOW i dont want anymore, and i had my tubes tied almost 3 years ago?! soo yeah theres a lot swirling in my head right now...i have a paper to write for school so that i can present it tomorrow in class, and also 16 chapters to review for my final exam tomorrow....cause although the mod doesnt end until tuesday, i will be hopefully in a narcotic coma in the hospital having my insides ripped outta my vagina monday afternoon, and recovering on tuesday....so i have to finish the mod tomorrow. sigh...oh shoot i have to study for my competencies this evening!!! argh!!!! gotta go! ill try to blog tonight...leave comments!!!

~Tina

EMILY PICTURES TODAY!!!

got a beautiful email from natalie about emily. shes up to 45 pounds! cant believe my little angel has gotten so big! shes doing great. they diagnosed her with fetal alcohol syndrome. i will not comment on this right now cause im kinda in shock, disbelief..cause i dont remember drinking with emily at the beginning of the pregnancy....but ok. so heres one pic of her, i only got 6 this time around...but this one she looks just like me when i was little, its cute...i miss her soo much...words will never express....so gotta go work on this 4 page paper on hymenoplasty for school,....its due thursday....and i have to comp out this week...its gonna be a LONG, very intense week cause i have two less days to do all this in....surgery in 1 week and 1 day....~Tina