BABY NEWS !!!!

well merry christmas to everyone reading my blog...im saying that now cause i will probably be too busy the next two days to write anything...well my husband and i got our christmas wish and found out two days ago that we will be expecting a little one in the summer... it is great but also a bit overwhelming at the same time... but we are both very happy... i have been exhausted the last two months and now i know why haha... i was invited to a new years eve party with a friend so im kinda excited about that... but anywho i am going to go to nap, wanted to wish everyone a merry christmas and share our good news !

What's going on NOW???

he called...ha im on cloud nine...also got a new cell phone so thats cool too hehe...ok well gotta get baby ready for christmas party ugh...ttyl

sunshine

he chose her

he chose her


im dead inside right now....i cant talk,sleep,eat or function
he CHOSE her.....i cant deal with this nemore....he CHOSE her
OMG OMG OMG

What's going on NOW???

What's going on NOW???

What's going on NOW???

never been more confused in my life... i love two people...how is that possible?
it should be the easiest decision in my life but i have a baby to think about and hopefully one on the way....im in shock..i dont know what to do and i dont want other people to make up my mind for me...i hope he knows i love him and will always wait for him, but i hope he knows too that i dont wanna live another moment without him...it breaks my heart that he is hurting...i wanna leave again so i dont continue to put him through this misery but i cant lie to him again....9 years ago i did and i wont do it again...

but then theres the other one who loves me more then i thought.... i made a promise to myself to never settle and then i did and now i have and i dont know if it matters cause i dont know what to do...only time will tell and hopefully in a few weeks i will know where to go and what to do...

my life has changed...for the better i dont know...i know i am better knowing them both, i know im happy i got to see him if only to set him straight and get the forgiveness i so desperately needed for 9 long hard years...
i want him back but i dont want to hurt him again..

you have my heart but he has my soul.... i dont know how much longer i can hurt like this...i dont know how much longer i can cry inside and know he has doubts....i need him here holding me...but for now you are and i will settle again...how i hate myself for loving you both and how i hurt myself for hurting you both too....

i want to run away from both and leave it alone but damnit i cant do that again...i wont do it again but i cant force him to leave her either when she is someone im completely not...

if only you knew....
if only you knew........

"if you cant be with the one you love, love the one youre with..."

what does that mean? i dont get it cause i cant do it nemore....help me Lord...i hope there is a little bit of love growing inside right now cause then i will know what to do...but will he??????????

Sigh... How confusing can life get????

i dont understand the concepts of life. i dont understand why it feels as if i have been given a second chance with the love of my life yet we both are in other relationships...is it truly only closure that i am searching for? or is it true love waiting for me? there is so much at stake for both of us yet i feel that there is nothing that should stand in the way of our happiness with one another....it is so hard to talk to him on the phone and know he is so far away...i want to be able to be in his arms and hold him while he is confused and look in his eyes cause then i can know the truth...i will try to put my feelings aside this weekend and just BE there and just experience it as if it were the last time i will ever see him....although i hope it wont be....i will definitely know in two or three weeks whether we are meant to be together...God has a plan for us and it will soon be revealed...for now i must follow my heart and it is leading me to NC for the weekend to see him and to talk to him and to just BE there with him and noone else....only then when i see him and can hold him and feel him only then will i know where my heart belongs.....

sunshine

not manic or depressed right now....

i got a new computer from my hunny!!! im so happy...hes been working soo hard and he hurt himself...but he is doing ok.... baby had the flu friday night and i got sick then too and am still recooperating but she is doing better now...i am just so ecstatic over my new computer...now i am ready to get my classes for january as i will be doing them online so i can be home with the baby when she gets home from school....i dunno why i keep calling her a baby as she is already 3 years old!!! i cant believe it...and then too christmas is almost here again and i have not done ANY shopping...my hunny wants the PS3 although i dunno...it costs as much as my car and computer put together but i might give in for a nice little gem hehe....who knows..? well have to get up early to take him to work and baby to doctor appointments ugh...another long day tomorrow...hopefully will be as nice weather as today...tata for now peoples.....

sunshine

hi

moving....soon
dunno for sure yet but am taking a trip to try and get plans in motion....gonna be gone a week with the baby so thats gonna be weird....but know we cant stay here with another on the way its getting to be too much now....and they dont even know about the other one on the way.... so who knows...well gotta get some letters written...talk to you all later

sunshine

losing my mind

i am soooooo sick and cannot shake it...husband seems to have gotten better but unfortunately i have gotten worse...have a HORRIBLE sinus infection and it wont get better sigh....baby began school today ugh was killing me to see my baby going there without me...hee...been watching movies all day yay blockbuster...haha...rented the carlos mencia movies and he is FUNNNY... well i have to get going to get some sleeps cause i have to work tomorrow UGH...but work is fun so i dont mind too much....later alligator ---sunshine

hey all

UGH! cannot take the heat and thursday and friday are sposed to be WORSE then today!??!! how is that even possible????? i dont understand it haha....things are going good in the marriage house and the kids house..haha...no more trying for a baby... going back to school now ....working my butt off trying to get all these papers done but its worth it in the long run..completely changed majors and none of my credits will transfer over but oh well thats ok... the child starts school in september and we will be celebrating our 1 year anniversary (yay!!!) so september will be a big month for us....got lotts of things going on now until the end of the year...went to ohio the beginning of this month to see my birth mother that was kinda cool..., my half brother and his girlfriend just had a baby girl on the 23rd! congrats to them....shes in the ICU with an infection so hopefully she will be ok...well gotta get back to working on the paper due on monday ugh..talk to you all later

re: your comment

i will not publish anonymous comments....if you want your comments to be published you must leave your screen name at least thank you. also i will probably not be here for some time ...i found out that i might have breast cancer... i will be seeing a specialist on tuesday the 20th so i will keep you all updated thank you

Sigh

Wow...kinda blown away with the news today....evidently my husband may have fathered a child with another woman..i mean its strange cause i cant get mad cause it was before we got back together, but i dont know if i can handle another woman in my life with my husband....talked to a few family members that i hardly ever go to, but they are kinda in same situation that i am, and they just are kinda concerned but ultimately the decision is mine.... sigh sigh sigh....i dont know what to do....later sunshine

None

what a weird day today was... i mean weird in a good way you know? my hubby was great to me today and gave me little cuddles and kisses and was just really nice to me all day and i dunno...it was weird..haha...thats one thing i hate about myself is that im always second guessing things....its hard to live with and i suppose even harder for the people that love me....we are beginning the next phase of our daughters life and that is to interview schools...mainly the MPS system and then the school for the sign language and stuff...so well im going to go to sleep as i have to get up early in the morning...later...sunshine

Happy Easter...late...

Sigh....well was having an ok day but now am not feeling too well....got that little friend that i didnt want....sigh...i dont understand why im not getting pregnant....its been 6 months and still nothing...we even used this little ovulation prediction kit thing this month and had sex the right times and blah nothing again.....sigh...i really hope that the other baby is not his because then im going to just absolutely die....i swear....i know its a double standard but i just dont know that i could live with the fact that there is another woman with a child by him but not with me you know? well whatever im gonna go for now....later world.....

Been SOO Long!!!

well its been a bit too long since ive blogged... not that anyone i know is reading this damn thing anyway its still a good venue for me to vent... there are so many things going on right now its insane....

FINALLY home

hello all ...obvoiously if you know us personally then you know that baby has been in the hospitol since monday the 9th and we were released today. thank heavens we are so ready to be home. unfortunately our marriage doesnt seem to be on steady ground right now even though all week it was good. who knows maybe it wasnt and i just didnt notice because i was so preoccupied with my baby in the hospitol. i will be going on thursday to get some blood drawn to get a test done for the baby to be tested for something else. im so sick of all these damn tests and no results. whatever its ok though. no biggie. i ended up in the ER last night too...fatigue i guess....and my depakote level was a bit elevated. no biggie i guess. i cant wait until school starts next monday. im kind of worried about it a little though too. wish i was going more then two days a week but thats ok too. it will come in handy when my husband starts work in march and then he will only have to take her to work with him two days a week and then the other three i can have her with me. well i am going to go take a shower and get to bed early. its been such a long week i cant wait to sleep in my bed. later world
-sunshine

Happy New Year

well its been a good year so far...havent fought with my husband all year hahahaha... that was good...anyways my darling angel climbed out of her crib today...never knew that kids did that until they knew how to walk...imagine my surprise when i came around the corner to see her sitting there...almost had a damn heartattack...thankfully there are lotts of angels watching over her that she didnt get into anything to hurt herself and she didnt fall down the stairs! there are things called crib tent that i can get to go over the crib that she wouldnt be able to get out of it but they are 80 bux and i have no more moneys this month due to paying for school and my books....as it was couldnt pay my rent moneys this month due to the fact that school and books took every penny i had...and i didnt get a damn child support payment all last month and have yet to recieve one...evidently he started a new job just before christmas and it takes a month to process the paperwork....sigh...so..oh well ok well gotta get some rest..i have baby duty tomorrow as hubby is gone to see his parents...tty all later
-sunshine