he chose her

he chose her


im dead inside right now....i cant talk,sleep,eat or function
he CHOSE her.....i cant deal with this nemore....he CHOSE her
OMG OMG OMG

What's going on NOW???

What's going on NOW???

What's going on NOW???

never been more confused in my life... i love two people...how is that possible?
it should be the easiest decision in my life but i have a baby to think about and hopefully one on the way....im in shock..i dont know what to do and i dont want other people to make up my mind for me...i hope he knows i love him and will always wait for him, but i hope he knows too that i dont wanna live another moment without him...it breaks my heart that he is hurting...i wanna leave again so i dont continue to put him through this misery but i cant lie to him again....9 years ago i did and i wont do it again...

but then theres the other one who loves me more then i thought.... i made a promise to myself to never settle and then i did and now i have and i dont know if it matters cause i dont know what to do...only time will tell and hopefully in a few weeks i will know where to go and what to do...

my life has changed...for the better i dont know...i know i am better knowing them both, i know im happy i got to see him if only to set him straight and get the forgiveness i so desperately needed for 9 long hard years...
i want him back but i dont want to hurt him again..

you have my heart but he has my soul.... i dont know how much longer i can hurt like this...i dont know how much longer i can cry inside and know he has doubts....i need him here holding me...but for now you are and i will settle again...how i hate myself for loving you both and how i hurt myself for hurting you both too....

i want to run away from both and leave it alone but damnit i cant do that again...i wont do it again but i cant force him to leave her either when she is someone im completely not...

if only you knew....
if only you knew........

"if you cant be with the one you love, love the one youre with..."

what does that mean? i dont get it cause i cant do it nemore....help me Lord...i hope there is a little bit of love growing inside right now cause then i will know what to do...but will he??????????

Sigh... How confusing can life get????

i dont understand the concepts of life. i dont understand why it feels as if i have been given a second chance with the love of my life yet we both are in other relationships...is it truly only closure that i am searching for? or is it true love waiting for me? there is so much at stake for both of us yet i feel that there is nothing that should stand in the way of our happiness with one another....it is so hard to talk to him on the phone and know he is so far away...i want to be able to be in his arms and hold him while he is confused and look in his eyes cause then i can know the truth...i will try to put my feelings aside this weekend and just BE there and just experience it as if it were the last time i will ever see him....although i hope it wont be....i will definitely know in two or three weeks whether we are meant to be together...God has a plan for us and it will soon be revealed...for now i must follow my heart and it is leading me to NC for the weekend to see him and to talk to him and to just BE there with him and noone else....only then when i see him and can hold him and feel him only then will i know where my heart belongs.....

sunshine

not manic or depressed right now....

i got a new computer from my hunny!!! im so happy...hes been working soo hard and he hurt himself...but he is doing ok.... baby had the flu friday night and i got sick then too and am still recooperating but she is doing better now...i am just so ecstatic over my new computer...now i am ready to get my classes for january as i will be doing them online so i can be home with the baby when she gets home from school....i dunno why i keep calling her a baby as she is already 3 years old!!! i cant believe it...and then too christmas is almost here again and i have not done ANY shopping...my hunny wants the PS3 although i dunno...it costs as much as my car and computer put together but i might give in for a nice little gem hehe....who knows..? well have to get up early to take him to work and baby to doctor appointments ugh...another long day tomorrow...hopefully will be as nice weather as today...tata for now peoples.....

sunshine