Do you ever worry about makenzie being taken away from you because of what hap with your other daughter..why or why not? – (a friend from grade school asked me this and i wanted to share with my readers in case you all wonder too)
more than anyone knows ******. in fact anthonys father wanted us to divorce so badly that he regularly calls social services on me with stupid lies that i am abusing her and social services will come and check it out and see that im not, so the case will be closed. however last october, she went to anthonys sisters house and came home after a 4 day weekend, with seriously bad handprint bruises on her buttocks and lower back. i immediately took her to the ER and because i could not explain where the bruises came from because she wasnt home when she got them, they sent social services after me again. only this time i didnt back down. i spoke out against them and they actually "investigated" ME for over 4 months before even sending the case worker to anthonys sister to question her where and when she lied to the case worker and the supposed police officer. i then requested a meeting with the supervisor at social services, and when we all sat down for a meeting i point blank asked the supervisor, if i wasnt bipolar and a recovering alcoholic, and if i hadnt lost my other kids, and given emily up for adoption , would this still be a case? he hesitated so i asked him another way, i said if i didnt live with anthony and mackenzie and never saw her again unsupervised, would you recommend that this case go to court and mack be removed from my home, he didnt hesitate that time when he said no. so i called HIS supervisor and made a complaint with the TAPE RECORDED conversation we had that day where he made that statement , and i then contacted the police station that they said they called to report and the police were "investigating"....the police NEVER received a report....so when i found this out, i made a complaint to the police dept. and then forwarded all that to the bureau supervisor and head of the bureau of child welfare. i received a letter saying the case was closed against me about two weeks later..


so to sum it up ******, yes every day of my life i am terrified of losing mackenzie due to my actions with emily. i have tried to show people that i am a different peson, i attend counseling weekly, taking my medications along with monthly blood levels monitoring my lithium in my blood to show compliance with that, i have quit drinking, and i was trying to make my sham of a marriage work....i completed medical assistant diploma program with a cumulative GPA of 3.89 and High Honors....and STILL people only sometimes see me as the person who abused emily....and unfortunately thats the way it will always be. i found out tonight after fighting with my husband because while he had mackenzie today, she fell playing in the rain and had a lump on her head the size of a golfball and i wanted to take her to the ER to get a CT scan to be sure she didnt have a brain bleed, and he refused to go with me, so we ended up fighting and he did some horrible things today....so im going to file for divorce on monday and i very well might lose custody of mackenzie through this....but i will still have visitation rights with her, and i have to leave anthony, i CANNOT be afraid to take my child to get medical care without him, because i KNOW if i had taken her to the ER today, they would have taken mackenzie into custoy and me into jail and asked questions later....as they did with emily...and yes they had every right with emily, but unfortunately today i couldnt prove that i didnt hurt mack and it literally would be anthonys word against mine...and he was mad at me, so i was scared of losing mackenzie. thankfully i knew what to watch for, and i gave her some tylenol and iced it and the swelling went


down and she is now fine 8 hours later....so...there it is...respond if you like...thanks....and dont ever be afraid to ask me anything about it. i am not proud of what happened with emily, but i know i was / am sick and i made mistakes and i dont hide behind it....i did wrong and i will forever pay for it by never seeing her again, but i know i am now doing right by mackenzie so i try to fight for my right...but unfortunately it doesnt always work out that way...sometimes people only want to see you as the bad person and think people cant change....tina

A DAY... YEA A DAY....

so today is the day huh? idk . heres the day so far. anthony is "indefinitely suspended" from work while an "investigation" is done concerning some he said she said bs....and im almost certain that is another way of saying "You're Fired."....so he went on the ride along for the 'new' job that hes interviewing for and we are praying with EVERYTHING left in our meager souls right now that the Lord is going to either let him get that job or i will get a phone call with a job offer. anyways so anthony was gone all night on that ride along, thankfully those wont be his hours if he does get the job, but either way he spent the day sleeping...haha. its ok me and mackenzie kinda had a rough one today. so this morning she woke me up at 530am and literally took the bowl part of her potty chair and threw it at me and laughed....covered in urine and feces, i calmly as possible went to take a shower and wash my clothes....again this was to avoid any possible child abuse that would have resulted in this incident cause come on seriously! how would YOU have reacted to being thrown human waste not even from a monkey at the zoo, but from your almost 4 year old child that you thought you adored and were teaching right?! so....after some intense scrutiny in that 30 minute shower....i realized that i may be teaching her right from wrong but one thing we have NOT taught her is that her actions have consequences. Now we may have tapped her butt once or twice or yelled quite a bit (yes i need to work on that and have been!) but we have never in the last almost 4 years EVER "punished" mackenzie for any of her many offenses. my walls are all 'decorated' my computer screen permanently etched with who knows what except that it was sharp enough to scratch the screen with some pretty deep gouges...and mackenzie is currently decorated with 4 day old permanent marker 'tattoos like mommy has' that wont come off no matter what soap i use. so today while watching Dog the Bounty Hunter on television, and watching anthony snore and trying to hold in my laughter while he talked nonsense in his sleep, i prayed. i prayed to the Lord to PLEASE open my heart and show me the way. because the path i am on is not the one i KNOW he wants me on. i graduated college 4 months ago today, and am still jobless even though i graduated with a 3.87 cumulative GPA out of a possible 4.0. i dont know where God wants me to be in life, but i know it isnt here. so while i was watching my netflix, i believe God did speak to me, and he opened my eyes and my heart. i only hope that i can seriously, seriously change my life and not let the devil in anymore. anyways so i went to check on the quiet mackenzie, who we all know by now, if shes quiet shes up to no good....so sure enough, her air mattress is deflated, (no biggie we have an air pump), but as i investigated further, i realized her potty chair was missing the 'bowl', located a few seconds later next to a naked from the waist down mackenzie who was informing me that her mattress was wet....upon more investigation, i realized mackenzie had pottied in her potty chair....and THEN instead of letting mommy or daddy know to empty it, she decided to dump it on the mattress. and it wasnt a small amount either...soooo again instead of any child abuse situation, i called my sleeping husband for some backup to the situation....well her mattress cannot be salvaged cause as of this point i have NO IDEA how to clean urine from a fabric and plastic air mattress, so whatever....more on that research later....i immediately unplugged her DVD player (her MOST prized possession) and took it out of her room. i informed her through seriously gritted teeth that she needed to go into the living room and sit and not move an eyelash....as i cleaned the other human waste i discovered upon MORE investigation....i know i should be a private investigator! im sooo good at it! ;) ANYWAYS so i went through the clean laundry that has yet to be folded, and found a pair of clean mackenzie underwear and some pajamas, and went into the living room. with tears in my eyes and quite a few yells to the ceiling aimed somewhere toward heaven, asking the Lord what i was doing wrong and to please send me a sign if he hears me cause i cannot do this anymore....i got mackenzie dressed and although it was waning, i was still quite angry with her and myself. i am failing her as a parent....it would almost be a blessing to her to let the state take her, but no i will NOT give up this time. i fought this last case and proved to myself and a couple disbelievers (haters!) that i AM straightening out my life and i AM being the best mom i can be to mackenzie, so i refuse to let them haters win again....so i told her that she didnt get her dvd player back until tomorrow because of what she did....you know what? that lil **** didnt even care! she laughed and ran off. so at this point anthonys sleeping again in his chair so im alone on this one, and i didnt hit her...i wanted to, oh man i wanted to just paddle that little butt and show her whos boss, but that doesnt work either ya know? so i calmly went into her room and told her she was on time out and she needed to sit on the couch until i said she could get down. so we watched two more episodes of Dog, and then anthony woke up and began to clean the living room. mackenzie slithered off the couch, no im literal, she went headfirst and slithered off the couch.... :) and began to help daddy clean....so i think it hit me right then. she needs rules. she NEEDS stability (yes pastor kate alll those things you have told me before :) it finally sunk in!) and i need to provide it. so after the living room was clean, she ran in her room and i could hear her asking daddy for her dvd player so she could watch her new dora dvd and take a rest...rest is code for nap around here haha....and daddy said no you need to talk to mommy about that, (kudos and BIG points to daddy!) and daddy and mackenzie come out to me, i was already sitting on the couch holding her dvd player. and i said well we need to have a talk mackenzie. so at this point i was silently praying the Lord to speak through me so that mackenzie would understand....and i have to tell you thats when the HALLELUJAH moment came....mackenzie was playing with something and i said mackenzie you have to put that down, come here and we will talk ok? and she put it down, turned around, and said " alright im coming, what?" and i looked down, hid my face and laughed out loud cause she DID understand me! all this time i have wondered if she really does understand when shes doing wrong and right and she DOES!! ok so now knowing the Lord has literally, loudly answered my call, i tell my baby girl with tears again in my eyes, mackenzie i love you, you were very naughty putting potty on the bed, and throwing it at me this morning. she says i know mama, im sorry. and then wipes my eyes and says no crying mama and throws her arms around me and says big huggs and she squeezed. so i told her (knowing she wouldnt understand everything i was saying now, but someday she hopefully will look back on this blog and know) as i hugged so tightly back with tears STREAMING down my face and looking into my husbands eyes, mackey baby mama loves you sooo much. DONT ever turn out like me EVER!!! you are so wonderful and God gave you to me to teach me so you and i, we are going to learn together ok kiddo? and i leaned back and she kissed me and said ok mama we will...and i said are you going to behave? she said yep, then i said go give daddy a hug and tell him sorry too, so she did....so shes now on probation and if shes naughty again she will get time out and the third timeout, she will lose her DVD player for a whooooole day, (her eyes got real big and shes shaking her head no) and so shes now laying in her room on a blanket makeshift bed watching her dora dvd....i think we both learned an important lesson today....and i have finally opened my heart to the Lord....anthony and i will sit down tonight and make some simple rules for mackenzie and we HAVE to abide by the consequences and teach our baby girl that her actions have them....we HAVE to teach her, as our parents taught us.....

and with that line, i have made a very difficult decision. i am very proud of what i have achieved in the last year, graduating college with HIGH HONORS, something noone else in my class did...and i am proud. I stayed up all night studying and doing homework and struggling when i didnt understand something, like how the heart worked and which valves did what and how the blood flowed where and when.... I did that, noone else....plenty of people helped along the way and i say thank you to them all the time, the biggest of which was my husband who even when he coulndt pronounce my medical terminology on the little study index cards i made, he would just sound it out and relentlessly quiz me almost every day so that i could get those 100 percents on my tests and final exams....and although i already received my diploma showing i completed something (finally for the first time in my life!) i will walk across the stage in a few weeks and (to me) "earn my stripes"...and you know what? i dont want toxicity in my life anymore. i dont want to be a bad person anymore, i dont want drama and i dont want it anymore....so i made the decision that i have made plenty of times before, but today i made the promise to myself and my daughter and my husband and our FAMILY that i will get better and we will succeed. in order to do that i have to leave the toxicity behind, and alot of you know that a large piece of toxicity is a family member who controls me in so many ways....so i called my brother and informed him of my decision and he decided he wanted to scream at me, so now he too is cut out of my life. i will not allow the negativity anymore...i just wont allow it. so now the guest list to my college graduation is down to my dad who i also spoke to and listened to what he had to say, anthony and mackenzie. i am still awaiting confirmation from pastor kate, who although she is exiting my life (more on that in another post, im too exhausted for that right now, but God is calling her life to take a path that means she will no longer be our pastor next year)....so thats that. whats your take????

Tina

BOBBY GOT LOOSE AGAIN....SIgh...

this loving boy is making me die of exhaustion! :(

so as you know we got Bobby from a friend of a friend cause they rescued him and needed him to go to a loving home. so my bleeding heart took him in. and yes he is a BIG doggie and YES he is only 2 years old so he thinks he is a puppy and wants to PLAY, and sometimes people get scared. 1. his size, 2. he looks a lot like a pit bull and we know the undeserved stories about their breed, and 3. when bobby wants to PLAY he can knock people over INCLUDING my 6 foot 3 inches tall 260 pound husband. so yes i can imagine as a lil' (not) old (yes she was kinda) lady with a little (10 pounds at most) border collie doggie outside and bobby has ran from 4 blocks away chasing birds and dogs that are all outside playing, you might get scared when beethhoven comes barralling at you....

ok the real story...without my lil narrative there ;) we were sitting outside with mack on her lil bike and i was holding bobby with his leash on on our steps porch and i had his leash wrapped a couple times around my hand, i was watching the kids that just moved in across the street to make sure bobby wouldnt chase them down, and just enjoying the day....i seen the seagull out the corner of my eye...unfortunately for me, bobby's eyes are on his sides and he saw them FULL on and he went for them, with me too....so lets face it, it was me or the dog...i had to let go...i had to you understand, i was being dragged LITERALLY down the street, so i let him go. i figured he would run across the street to get the kids...wrong. he went for the darn birds who (WTF?) were waddling away and not FLYING away....stupid birds....so bobby almost got one....but then it decided to fly...so bobby kept going...it was a beautiful day there were a lot of people outside and  he was a puppy in need of freedom i guess....so i was off. now yelling at anthony whos saying im not chasing after him he will come back when he wants and then i got mad and started yelling at anthony so then anthony walked down the street looking for him....i ran the other way thinking we could head bobby off before he hit the main streets and the busy rush hour....i was thinking he would hit the park...anth thought he was going for the field with the railroad tracks....so we each took a cell and were off.....well i was almost to the park when i get a phone call saying i found him....and hes calling bobby but anths laughin cause bobbys running away from him. so then anthony says ok they got him in the building...oh no theyre gonna sue, bobby bit the old lady or something get here quick....well "here" was literally 4 1/2 blocks from our house and about 6 from where i was....i ran the whole way....yep my fat a** ran! haha...im thinking some lil old lady was literally attacked by my friendly a** dog! all these thoughts racing through my head...oh God why did i let his insurance lapse, i shouldve disconnected the darn internet and paid his insurance and blah blah blah. so i get there and bobby is literally in the senior citizen home building. and im like...wait if the lady was attacked, why is bobby sitting face to face with this little lassie looking dog and being all calm?! somethings not right here...alarm bells start ringing....i immediately go inside the building to get bobby....the lady says well your dog bit me! i said ok well im a medical assistant, so where did he bite you? i can help till paramedics get here, lets call 911. so she tells me she did already, and then tells me that well he didnt really bite me but he went after my dog....so im lookin at her like literally 10-15 pound dog and looking back at bobby who i kid you not is literally sitting on top of mackenzie licking her face outside....and start to hear the alarm bells again...well now theres about 8 seniors in the hallway saying different things including something about a gun and that woulda been a dead pit. so i say hold on, go outside call the police cause this is gonna be a situation, and im not going to let them get one over on me cause i KNOW bobby didnt bite her or that dog cause if bobby wanted to literally attack her dog, (which i have NEVER seen him do!) that dog wouldve been a little (lets face it a LOTT) hurt....and there wasnt a single hair missing off that dog....so the police say ok we are dispatching someone now....anyways then i go outside....and now im getting mad cause these old people are being mean, im almost in tears cause im pretty cut and road rash on MY leg cause this darn dog dragged me down the street, and im feeling bad for this lady cause thankfully she didnt have a heart attack like i know i wouldve if i had seen that dog barreling for me! anyways....police come and bobby turns back into beethoven slobbering all over the lil officer and so the guys like well i see it was an accident so calm down and dont worry too much...another witness comes forward that lives in the building that actually used to be a police officer and trained dogs i guess....and so he says aww dont worry so he talks to the officers and it seems everything is cool...well then the other officer comes outside and chest all puffed cause i had said yes bobby got away one other time at like 3am when i was literally barefoot running through the hood and finally some officers going to mcdonalds, helped me find him on a very busy street ! but thankfully it WAS 2am and there was lil traffic...so i managed to catch the mutt and yelled the whole way home at him....that was literally two days after we got him ok?! and his leash had broke and thats how he got loose....ANNNNY ways today he got loose cause as i said he was draggin me down the street with him...so the one officer was like well ya know you cant control him and i hear that i get mad. so i say excuse me sir but there is NO LAW in milwaukee that says you can give me a citation for him not being under control. hes a big dog, he got loose, it was an accident and the lady and her dog are fine. i really am sorry but i have him registered and hes up to date on his shots and blah blah blah...so officers go in the car after i make the statement (cause im calling mack to get over here and not pick the flowers on the old peoples lawn) that yeah i cant hit my kid to control her cause thats child abuse, but i should do whatever i can to control my dog or i get a ticket if he accidently gets loose...whatever....and i see the officer kinda laugh and go in the car...they come out and say well your right there isnt anything we can do. the only thing is if she were to have been hurt and shes obviously not....just try to keep him under control...and i said ok im sorry for yelling at you, its just a high stress situation. OBVIOUSLY i knew the dog got loose, i ran literally ran blocks looking for him, i knew he wasnt dangerous but i didnt just go back in the house and say oh well he'll come home some time...ya know? and he says yeah no biggie. i mean i see he had his leash on, the lady said he had his leash and his tags on and i mean we can see it was an accident, i see your leg, i understand the situation....and then a car rolls past, they look and so do i....idk why....and they get a call....i didnt hear exactly what was said but they were like ok are we done here? and i say yes, go go be police and take care of the bad guys out here! they laugh and take off after said car with sirens and lights going....so anth, mack, bobby and i head home...i HAVE bobby cause i want to show the elderly that i HAVE CONTROL of him....and we walk down the street, so of course theres a lil kid (prob about 12-13) walking a rottweiler across the street walking the same direction as us, and hes kinda egging his dog on, so we take bobby down the alley and suddenly run into the same squad and that said car pulled over...and another squad and the occupants of the car yelling at all 4 officers and so i tell anth lets just stand here in case they need bobby (hehe) ....suddenly the situation calms and the occupants of the car go in their house and the officers go to leave, they pull up next to us and ask if we needed any questions and i say no...haha theyre laughin cause i have bobby wrapped so tightly around my hand now haha.....so that was literally three hours of our lives we will never get back for no reason! i hate that someone thought he was this big bad dog and instantly saw dollar signs...im thankful noone actually got hurt, and im glad we got bobby back....so its now 11pm, imma try to relax a little...and bobby is confined to his kennel for life! nah im kidding...i just have to be a little more ambivalent with his security!!!! ; ) i do give serious props to anthony for being so calm and mackenzie was reallllly good for the whole 2 hours standing around! and she charmed the officers! :) good NIGHT!!!

tina