well since then

well since the moron who wasnt man or woman enough to identify themselves seems to have disappeared i can get on with my blogging. things are going well for my little family. unfortunately my daughter has a MRSA infection in her ears and has been on "quarantine" for a week. evidently its contaqious as hell. she has some new ear drops and oral antibiotics and all is well for the time being. anyways i spoke to my daughters father last night. he was quite shocked that i was able to track him down, turns out he lives not far from here. he got divorced but is now back living with her again. evidently his mother wants to have my daughter here for overnight visitation. who knows if and when she will call to start that. otherwise when i spoke to him, he had nothing much to say except to set up the time and date and he will be there. we have to go get blood drawn to see if our daughter here has a disorder called russell silver syndrome. i guess its a type of dwarfism. it would be nice to have a diagnoses. and this one doesnt seem too bad from what i can gather off the internet. well i must get my butt in gear as it is cold outside and i have to go. tty all later
-sunshine

sunday sunday

feelin a little better although not much...went and filed the necessary papers to get visitation again with my other kids. and so we have a court date the end of january. that will be interesting. although this time i will not back down no matter what and i will not allow them to intervene with my child here as she has nothing to do with it. my throat is still hurting but a litlle better. went to walmart and bought some jeans. my dad bought one pair and i bought one. some blue ones and a pair of black ones. the ones i have the one pair is too small and the other pair is ripping as i guess they have been washed too many times. oh goodness my mother is starting in again ..gotta go bye for now
-sunshine

heres your one chance

got our christmas pictures done at the mall on the 2nd... email me if you want to see it.... andt2005@sbcglobal.net ..life is weird sometimes...its been a long cold day...the weather tomorrow is supposed to be colder tomorrow and i have to go out again tomorrow. sigh well thats winter in milwaukee i guess. still have three more days before i can find out if im pregnant... the anticipation is killing me.. seriously.. my husband wont even talk to me about it because he "doesnt want to get his hopes up". and im scared that im not. and that scares me because then i might have to face the reality that there maybe something wrong with him as he claims that he is not able to have kids. but i am not going to worry about it. i know ive heard of couples who have tried for three or four years before getting pregnant and we have only tried for three months. ha. i guess i should be happy if im not there are so many things going on next year that i shouldnt be concentrating on getting pregnant. but i dunno i just want to be right now and im so driven by that for now. i will definitely keep you posted on here when i find out thursday or friday. its so close yet so far away. took a pregnancy test that can tell 4 days early but thats only a 50 percent chance of coming out 4 days early, 95 percent chance the day before. so so far it has come out negative and im scared that it will come out negative on thursday too. i hope it doesnt cause im almost certain i will fall back into a depression. but i know that i can see that coming and hopefully prevent it. weekends are always hard on me anyways. i dont know why i guess because my mother starts so much on the weekends. the kids have their christmas play on friday. its killing me that i cant be there. i still havent gone to the courthouse to petition for the visitation. i guess so much of it depends on the pregnancy test results. i dont know why that is, i only know i made a promise to God that if im pregnant im going to leave it all alone and let him handle it. but if im not pregnant then im using that as a sign that i need to devote my life to the kids i have now and be happy. and its not that im not happy cause i am. i just thought that i would always be able to have another one with the true love of my life when he came along and now i believe i have found him and to surrender to the thought that i cant have a child with him? its killing me. i mean hes great with my kids, treats them better then the "father" they have. but still i dunno i guess i feel inadequate providing him a son or daughter of his own. maybe thats only my problem. he sure wont discuss it with me. so i dunno even how he feels. i know he would be happy if we were pregnant. oh well its late and i have to get to the doctor for my daughter tomorrow morning, shes fine - just routine checkup. ok well goodnite ya all.
- sunshine

happy thanksgiving

well happy thanksgiving...mine went well until later in the evening when my mother decided to start drama which what else is new? it was a holiday of course and she had to ruin it you know? oh well im not going to waste my energy dwelling on it...i am going to call my lawyer and begin the court proceedings again though and im assured that will be a fight to the end...and i will keep you posted on the details of the journey with that...on another note...my husband and i are getting along great and im so happy today that he is here with me. i think my meds are finally kicking in and that makes me happy too...although i have gained CONSIDERABLE weight in two months and that makes me unhappy :( but there is nothing i can really do but go excercise so that is my christmas present to myself. to go back to the YMCA. i got a postcard in the mail that says if i join before december 15th they will waive the joining fee so thats cool...its worth it...well its getting late i have to go shovel on more time before bed so i will keep you posted..later
sunshine

hmm

just came across some things in an old junk box and some things i do sometimes is collect sayings and stuff so wanted to post some that i found that are still neat to see and hear...obviously since its from a while ago i have no idea who to give credit to for them so here they are anonymously...

"love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed ; to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed ; to those who still need love even though they've been hurt before. "

never say goodbye when you still want to try, never give up when you still feel you can take it, never say you dont love that person when you you really dont want to let go.

love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear

dont cry over anyone who wont cry over you

everything is okay in the end. if its not okay, then its not the end

the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else

when it hurts to look back, and your scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will always be right there

dont frown you never know who is falling in love with your smile

what do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry in the first place?

*** any and all feedback is appreciated you can be anonymou thanks
sunshine

im so damn confused

im so damn confused is the best title...was not sure what color i wanted to go with there for the post here so was experimenting and obviously had settled on this one..anyways....so today was at this seminar thing for the church group that i wanted to get involved with and it happened to be a seminar on helping recognize child predators and such and such a thing and i was kinda hit in a few places that hurt and you know naturally when you are hurting the one thing you want to do is come home and be held by the one person in your life that ou trust and it seems that my husband has other things on his plate and in his mind besides comforting me and at this point i cant deal anymore! i just am giving it all up cause im so sick of all this shit with him. there are days that he loves me more then words and then there are days that im treated worse then the damn cat and thats not fair. and tonight and last night i told him so. i told him last night hey im on the verge of cheating on you. i came into this relationship and you were all lovey dovey and blah blah blah and now you arent. and there are people that i can talk to online and get more love from them then im getting from you and i dont understand that! and he really didnt say much and so then i was like whatever and then he walked in on me talking to my mom and i didnt change anything i was saying and i think it hit him then how serious i was bout it and then all of a sudden his whole attitude changed cause then suddenly he was all playing and happy and shit and stuff and then now today hes back to being a bitch ass and i dont get it anymore. im not going to let anyone get me down like this and damn that he is and damn that i am. it sucks. but its going to end now. cause im not going to do this. well i gotta go make some soup or something...tty all later

She has the whole world in her hands.....

Its so strange to think of the things i do when im in a mood, whether it be manic or depressed...when i attempt to think of them from my daughters eyes. is she going to remember them 20 years from now? 10 years? even four years from today....am i going to be doing something and she will come up to me and be like "mom why did you do........" and go off onto something really stupid that i did when i was in a mood? example...i was putting the laundry away and walked into her room, turned on the light and began putting things away ; my husband ( of 46 days haha ) was like now i know you arent going to go in there and wake her up...and it confused me cause ive been doing it since she was born...i mean she is used to me sleeping in there with her this is all new that im not sleeping in there with her ( new for 44 days ) and it made me seriously think...i am always going in there subjecting her to my moods...when im depressed i go in there and hold her and talk to her and when im manic im always in there in the middle of the night doing things..looking for something that i probably have long since thrown out or grown out of or whatever the mania is causing me to go hysterical about at that particular night....and you know - she ALWAYS has a smile and a hug for me....i think thats what brings me to tears all the damn time...she never judges why im in there, never seems to get mad or throw a fit like she does when she doesnt get her way, she just puts her nookie in her bucket, puts her little hands around my neck and pats my back like she does when she so lovingly gives me a hug and then when i lean back with my eyes full of tears, she smiles the most beautiful smile and reaches for her nookie before reaching for her bed....and as i tuck her back in she lifts her little arms for her "bankie" to be put under them and then she holds both nookies and smiles and rolls over to sleep again, satisfied that all is right in her little world, in her eyes its enough to save a life with just a hug and a smile....and from her.....it really is!

DUH

Hmm...the job hunt...it sucks BIG time...i have been looking for a job off and on for some time now but still no luck..today applied at Target and stuff so hopefully they will call... i know they usually hire for seasonal and with christmas and all coming up thats good...anyways though...walked a loooong way today so that was good too...got some fresh air...had taken baby to park thing yesterday and she fell on the slide and bonked her head a good one....i was crying more then she was though...guess i forget sometimes that kids are more resilient then they look..ha...ok well nothing much to report today tty all later

today was a BLACK day

sigh i almost chose to end my life today....all because im seriously depressed and i couldnt find my glasses....sigh...yes life is VERY black when bipolar and depressed....have finally quit arguing and fighting with the doctors and stuff and have gone back on the depakote....so i have to take 500 mg for 3 days, 1000 mg for 3 days, 1500 mg for 3 days and then finally back on to 2000 mg for the rest of the time now.....baked cupcakes for the church bake sale tomorrow...argued with my husband...he seems to think that i am playing when i say that im bipolar... he has asked me to get him some information on bipolar so thats what im going to do...ok well church is bright and early tomorrow morning so i must hit the hay ..gnite world!

huh

life is ok so far....am married now so thats all good...im happy hes happy baby is happy...all is good...haha....my head is killing me....been off my meds for about a week and a half so have been going back on them again as of last night cause was getting kinda insane again...have laundry up the ass to do...ha...cant get motivated to do much of anything....sigh....is kinda nice outside today so my husband took the baby and went to this place on lisbon to get his playstation game cd fixed...i guess it had a scratch in it...so he took baby and went out there...i know he is mad at me cause he wanted to go paint at his mothers house and i said no cause i dont want him to...he will be there too long every day for about 2 weeks cause something about he has to sand it down and shit...no way...his mother doesnt much like me and i dont need her filling his head with crap and then when he comes home he will be all mad at me about stupid shit...nope no way...ok well i have to go get this laundry done talk to you all later

SEPTEMBER 14 OF 05

HA...WOW...WHAT A DAY YESTERDAY WAS AND TODAY WILL BE...ACTUALLY IM IRRITATED CAUSE YESTERDAY I HAD THINGS TO DO THAT REQUIRED I BE OUTSIDE AND IT WAS QUITE HOTT AND THEN TODAY I DONT HAVE MUCH THATS REQUIRED AND ITS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE...ALTHOUGH ISNT THAT THE WAY IT GOES SOMETIMES? HA.... WELL WE GOT OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE YESTERDAY, WE CAN PICK IT UP NEXT FRIDAY A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE CEREMONY. AND THEN WE WENT TO THE MALL AND GOT SOME NICE SILVER RINGS, WE WERE LOOKING AT PLAIN SILVER BANDS HOWEVER AS THOSE WERE A BIT OUTT OF OUR PRICE RANGE RIGHT NOW, WE SETTLED FOR SOME NICE ONES THAT HAVE A BLACK BACKGROUND AND THEN SILVER STARS OF DAVID ALL AROUND THE BAND. HIS IS A TAD BIG ON HIM BUT NOT TOO MUCH THAT IT WILL FALL OFF SO HE SAID ITS FINE FOR HIM. ALTHOUGH IM WORRIED HAHA...NOW WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE OBSTACLE AND THATS COMING UP WITH THE OTHER $100 WE NEED TO PAY THE COMMISIONER ON FRIDAY BUT HE SAID HE IS GOING TO WORK FOR A FRIEND OF HIS PAINTING HIS HOUSE AND THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT 80 OR 90 AND I THINK I CAN COME UP WITH 20. SO THATS MY LIFE SO FAR...TALK TO YOU ALL LATER

September 10th 2005

today is a good day and a bad day....im having a very hard time with the hurricane stuff cause i see all these babies and it makes me soo sad that these poor kids are suffering and here i am sitting here getting upset when my baby pulls my hair or something and here are all these kids that dont even know where there moms are and if they are alive and stuff....is very upsetting for me...have good news though on my end at least, im getting married next month! is quite sudden but we are both ready and really feel its the best thing for us all...we are going to be a family....parent came home from florida tonite as was there for last week...i though there was more people from family and such that went but was only parent and friend that went....that mustve been boring haha...oh well...evidently they had a good time so thats good...got to see son and daughter1 yesterday as they came to meet my husband-to-be's parents...that was nice for me..well my pills are kicking in so i must get some sleep..later
sunshine

Its ALMOST thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant wait till thursday!!!!! then i will have wheels for a week! yay...haha....im straight....seriously hyper today cause i got off my ass and did something...oh my goodness...i got up at 815 cause babys therapist was here, then decided instead of trying to put baby back for a nap, i told cousin to get dressed, we are going to the park. so we walked to the bank, needed milk for baby, and then we went to the park. took a bunch of pics since lost all the other ones, then went to grocery store and got the babys milk, some waffles and some choc milk for cousin and then went home. then about half an hour later, took baby and cousin outside and played catch on lawn while baby sat and watched...now have put baby to nap and am figuring out weekend plans...cant go to chicao...BUMMED about that but gas flew up to $3 a gallon and is going up more before friday so that blew that outta the water...oy....well gotta go for now....i seem to have alienated my friend again...what else is new? ha

Long time....

well its been a while since i entered anything here so since i had a free moment i thought id enter some thing...spent majority of the weekend being sick, cleaning, moving, and fighting although not in that particular order. kids came over saturday, and basically to make a long story short, son got angry at me and started punching me, i grabbed his arms and told him he cant punch people, my "mother" came over , hugged son and then told me right in front of son and daughter1 that i never loved son in the first place! what the f#$@??!! i dont get it...although now i am more then ever determined to only acknowledge one child and thats the one i have here now...when they are older then son and daughter1 will know the truth and hopefully they will forgive me for leaving their lives now but will understand it was the best thing for everyone at this time...great aunt is in nursing home successfully...although she seems worse off then we originally thought as she has not much idea who we are...i got a desk that they were going to throw out so thats cool and i got a bed and a dresser. so spent most of today setting up the bed and organizing all of babys clothes into the dresser. can you believe that the babys clothes take up two dressers, two 3 drawer rubbermaid carts AND there is still more that isnt put out right now cause its all winter clothing???!! will need to go through those winter things as baby has grown three inches since winter and i am already seeing pajamas and things that dont fit her now...got into some trouble last nite but am ok and baby is ok so now big deal...please dont ask about it cause i dont quite want to talk about it....only know that we are both ok... have a huge mess and have barely put a dent in it today so far after about two hours cleaning non-stop...haha...oh well gotta get back to the grindstone as they say...later all

Hmmm.....

well i did it...i canceled everything yesterday. i feel better? not sure yet what the future will bring only know i wasnt prepared for the problems that this lawsuit was bringing on...am ok i think..not sure yet...wondering if im stable...have never felt this way in my life but alot of things have changed recently too so i dont know how i will feel when the dust settles...i have decided to go to chicago for the day when we have the car in the beginning of september, we are going to the museum of science and industry...so far is me and my little cousin and the baby of course! ok well gotta get some sleep will blog more tomorrow just letting u all know kinda what happened yesterday.

I dont wanna talk about it.....

i think that i have decided its in my best interest with everything that has happened and with baby and they way that the bureau has managed to twist my words and actions, that i have to tell my lawyer tomorrow that i want to drop the whole case. i no longer feel that the bureau is going to help me, instead i now feel that they are going to do what happened with daughter1 and they will twist things to make them look better and me to be some kind of monster. if i continue with this case things are going to get REALLY ugly and a lot worse then they already are and right now to me, its not worth losing baby over. i dont feel that i am doing nething to "endanger" her but i now know that the bureau thinks otherwise and thats not something that i am comfortable with. so with a discontented sigh and a heavy heart, i will tell my lawyer that i no longer think this case is appropriate to continue fighting. if my mother feels that she doesnt want me to see my kids that particular time , i know in my heart that there will be a time when she does want me there so i dont think i care anymore...i just cant keep fighting........im tired im literally tired of everything and everyone judging my every move and thats what this has turned into. its no longer "whats best for the kids", but 'whats the worst thing we can do to sunshine'. and i am DONE.

Court was today

OMG......i dont even think there are words enough to express all the rage and hurt that i feel right this minute...i have NEVER felt soo betrayed by any one person in my life and to think the person that betrayed me was my own "mother". thats in quotations now cause as far as im concerned that lady is nooooo mother to me, no way if she can hurt me and say the things that she has said about and to me..... first off we got to court and everything was fine...she went to talk to a lady that i correctly assumed was her lawyer..well now im wondering where my lawyer is...we went into court and the judge asks appearances dadadah and then he asks me what more i think i want from visitations so i said well for one thing i would like to be able to see my kids without supervision i dont think that that is right..and i would like to not have to tell her what we are doing and where we are going every visit...so the judge says to the bailiff guy to call cause im going to need a lawyer and then suddenly just as he is wrapping up (we have to go back again) this guy wallks in and sits down next to me...turns out to be my lawyer...didnt get much of a chance to talk to him because he has other cases but i will be meeting him at his office on wednesday afternoon....anyways i did get a chance to read the bureaus home reports of me and her....turns out that according to the reports : ( 1. i locked daughter1 in the bathroom as a punishment one day and since that day she has had problems going to the bathroom as she was potty trained before that incident...2. i let son outside to play one day and kept him in the sun all day and caused his face to swell up...3. i have called her repeatedly while drunk asking to visit the kids...4.i attempted to take my kids out of town with an UNKNOWN male...5. that i said to the lady that i frequently get angry when im taking care of the kids and that if i get upset i walk away and leave the kids with my parent and other person...6. that i said that if i cant leave the kids with parent then i tell them to give me a minute and leave me alone...7. that safety services were sent to my home to address the ladys concerns for babies safety and that i told them although i drink to the point of passing out that i dont have a drinking problem, she emphasizes that i dont have a drinking problem came out of my mouth three or four times during the hour conversation...7. that the only reason that baby was left here in my care was because my parent and other person are here to assure her saftey with me...) ok now for the truth.... 1. i didnt lock the door and i was in there with daughter1 i put the toilet seat down and sat on it while she kicked and screamed and threw a fit..in about three minutes she sat up wiped her eyes and said " im done now" and we continued out to the kitchen to finish what we were doing at the time; also daughter1 has been having problems with her potty skills for a VERY long time before that incident occured...in fact shortly after she started school she began wearing the pull ups and that was nothing to do with me... 2. there was NO time in my memory that "mother" called up saying that son had a swelled face, she lets them outside to play too and i am not going to sit in a house all day and pretend that they are not kids they are going to be able to do things and have fun when i have them... 3. i NEVER called her to visit my kids when i as drunk, there may have been times that i called her when i was drunk but NEVER to see the kids... 4. that UNKNOWN male was BLEEP and i asked if we could take them to wisconsin dells and she said no so that was the end of it, i might add that she did let us take them to the fun world in brookfield that VERY SAME day to go miniature golfing... 5. the lady asked if i ever get upset when visiting the kids and if i do what do i do? my response was :" there are times i get upset, if i do then i walk away into another room for a minute to calm down or they have a timeout if they are misbehaving or if i cant walk into another room, then i tell them i need a minute and they are usually quiet for a minute or two. "... 6. stated there in last quote... 7. thats complete b.s. as far as im concerned that lady said when she left that things seemed ok here, that im not drunk when she came and that baby has a good house and i seem ok to have her, never ONCE did she say "well we would take her but since you have your parent here then we will let her stay" how much goddamn sense does that make? in all honesty!

i am hurt and confused as i NEVER thought that my mother would lie like that to them about me...i cant believe that i thought that she cared about me and that i BELIEVED that she would tell the truth..obviously the woman has NO heart or soul and i seriously hope there is a GOD to give her her "justice" when she dies because i dont know what on earth i ever did to that woman to lie like that about me....

Message to you

I can only hope that you will read this since you wont respond to my emails or my phone calls. i was sick...very very sick and im starting to get better now. you have struggled with many of the same issues that i was and am struggling with right now. i have finally gotten back on my meds and i have stopped drinking. you were and are a very important person in my life and i am sooo sorry that i have alienated you twice now as it may be. you have shunned me for a year also and i have accepted you back with open arms. but i am scared that now i have lost you forever because i put to words my emotions on a particualrily bad day for me... i know the situation and that you cant always be there for me, however i get angry when im going through a particualarily tough time and you arent available for me to cry on your shoulder...ive loved you a long time and i know you have felt the same about me even if on a different level....i have tried to contact you for over a month now and heard no reply and i am worried and scared that something more then your unwillingness to speak to me is going on ...PLEASE if you are reading this now just email me, call me or instant message me that you are ok and dont want to talk to me...i miss you and our "special" bond please dont lock me out of your life forever without at least telling me thats what you are doing.............

FINALLY BACK ONLINE

OY!!!!!!! Its been a long time since i was here. see that when i was here last i was REALLLY depressed. im now back on meds although today is only the second day of the new ones so they havent really kicked in yet, will be interesting cause im beginning a manic epsiode. have never gone on meds while manic always was depressed so will be interesting to see what happens. alot has happened since i was online last. for one my computer crashed BIG time and the guy has had it for three days now and then finally today called and said that he will give me a new one cause that one will requre major work to fix. hes a sweetie sometimes...haha...i got home and tried to reinstall sbc dsl and it wouldnt recognize my modem well then after having a total breakdown, i got smart and thought i would reinstall the ethernet card...upon opening the computer up i saw the ethernet card was not completely plugged in so i took it out and re plugged it in and voila! im now happily online. yay for me. i also have my webcam back so thats great too... what else? ah yes how could i forget? someone called social services on me and they came last wednesday and they investigated or whatever and determined there is nothing to make them concerned aboutthe baby ..that was good. i have stopped drinking! oh boy hey im still fun when im sober probably more so cause i know what the hell im doing and can walk straight! haha....yes as of august 7th 2005 (my angels birthday) i am now a sober woman....its been a tough couple days but i think im gonna make it this time...this time i know what im in for i guess and i know that i have the support that i need from family and friends....speaking of family....i am planning a trip to visit my birth mother in BLEEP on september 1st, the third time seeing her but the 1st time driving alone and also the 1st time she will see the baby. so it should be exciting. we are leaving around midnight the 1st as i think that is the best time to travel with the baby so that she will sleep (hopefully , knock on wood) and also i should be able to avoid major traffic in chicago and stuff. well thats a simple update and i have to go as she is crying again to be attended to haha....i will write more tonite or tomorrow. later all

Friday almost midnite

well am out of the worst i think...get the kids tomorrow so of course mother is starting shit...now going on and on about older daughter having FAS....i admitted from the day she was born that i drank while pregnant with her but dr.s were not concerned that she had FAS cause no physical abnormalities...so i told her that we could get her tested now and she called me a bitch and hung up the phone...dunno what was so wrong about that....but oh well...have back pain and really need to buy a bed haha...maybe a christmas present this year,,,,well going to sleep now letting the world know im still alive

Friday yay!!

Life sucks...have tooooooooo much to do today...have to go cancel membership at the Y, maybe not sure yet on that one....have to go to the library and return the books i read already and get the one i have on hold...have to CLEAN my room as the bureau of milwaukee child welfare will be here bright and early wednesday morning...and i have absolutely NOO energy. getting annoyed cause the people i wanna talk to arent around or maybe are ignoring me....are u ignoring me?? oh well life sucks...will write more after i nap and then do my "chores" for today...later world

The irony

Since i cant seem to copy and paste i have to retype all this shit cause im not sure whats copyright and whats not. the irony is that my childhood, this was like THE song for me...the irony is that i was being sexually molested too....go figure

Amy grant/ tom hemby
copyright 1991 age to age music, inc. / edward grant, inc./ puxico music (ascap), adm. by reunion music groud, inc.

This song is about a girlfriend of mine. if you or someone you love has been a victim of sexual abuse, please don't be afraid to seek help. the sexual abuse helpline is oepn 24 hours a day, and someone who cares is waiting for your call...(800)4a-child

((those are the words that amy grant says before she begins to sing this song. now here are the lyrics to the song. they are quite powerfull))

I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
she takes another bath and she sprays her mommas perfume
to try to wipe away the scent he left behind
but it haunts her mind

you see shes his little rag nothing more then just a waif
and hes mopping his need, she is tired and afraid
maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear

ask me if i think theres a God up in the heaven
where did he go in the middle of her shame?
ask me if i think theres a God up in the heavens
i see no mercy and no one down heres naming names
nobodys naming names

now shes looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
no more frightened little girl like shes gone without a trace
still she leaves a light burning in the hall
its hard to sleep at all

still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
deep inside shes listening for a creaking in the house
but noones left to harm her shes finally safe and sound
theres a peace she has found

ask her how she knows theres a God up in the heaven
where did he go in the middle of her shame?
ask her how she knows theres a God up in the heavens
she said his mercy is bringing her life again

ask me how i know theres a God up in the heaven
(how do you know)
where did he go in the middle of her shame
(where did he go)
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens
(how do you know)
she said his mercy is bringing her life again
shes coming to life again

hes in the middle of her pain
in the middle of her shame
mercy brings life
hes in the middle
mercy in the middle

so ask me how i know
ask me how i know yeah
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heaven
(how do you know)
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens
(how do you know)
yeah ask me how i know
(how do you know)
ask me
ask me
ask me how i know
(how do you know)
theres a God up in the heavens
ask me how i know theres a God up in the heavens

Manic and Depressed

I wrote this 'poem' about three weeks after i attempted suicide in March of 2002. I wrote it on April 18th 2002.


The road ends here
Only dirt and darkness
Noone around
only me

My heart begins to pound
my head begins to spin
my hands shake as my resolve grows weak.

i pick up the bottle
the warm liquid burns my throat
i begin to cry
i thought i was stronger
i know im not

why am i so sad?
noones here
noone cares
they say they do but they arent around

i pick up the bottle of pills
my hands tremble
as my finger links on the "do not drink" label

i open the bottle and throw my head back
i let them all fall in, back to my throat
i take another quick swig and finish my alcohol

my breathing becomes quick
my pulse gets weak
its almost time
i begin to think

everything goes black
when i wake up
im looking down

my mom is crying
my dad is too
"im sorrry" i yell
they cant hear me though

oh no...im dead....


dont think of that as a threat or "premonition" into what im feeling right now cause im not thinking of commiting suicide and if i was i know there are places to go right now. im just simply rehashing what happened that night. more so for myself then anyone else. im losing my mind slowly but certainly and that is the path im headed towards again. this time is different though. not ten feet away from me, an angel sleeps. she is truly my gift from God. after all the miscarriages and the pain i suffered with my last one being two months early, this one went without a hitch. and yet there are so many tests and trials that i am going through now with this angel that i dont quite know what my next step will be. i only know that i need to be here when she wakes up at 5am for that bottle. for now she is the only one that needs me and the funniest thing, i need her more then she will ever know............

Sunday Afternoon

Eh....thats how i feel right now. evidently i am no longer a part of this family as i am never invited to "family" functions anymore. whatever baby and i "bonded" and had a good night together alone. i am taking her to the museum tomorrow and that should be awesome...my little cousin BLEEP is going to come with us. we are leaving at 830am hopefully...i say hopefully cause im not 100 percent sure that BLEEP will be here on time...haha but oh well thats ok. i asked if BLEEP could go since he will be here but his mom said no. i dont think she trusts me on the bus alone with her son but oh well not my problem. i am going to take BLEEP and we will have a blast. he went with us on the 3rd to the zoo and to the fireworks too so thats cool. i have a tight bond with that kid and i try to be there for him as much as possible. well i have to get some sleep now cause its already after midnite and i have to be ready to go by 830am. night world

Saturday Night

Well the visit went well...Got the kids at 11am and went to Sussex Lions Daze until 1pm. The heat was crazy bad. Baby lost her pacifier at the end so was kinda bummed about that...The kids had a good time though. Son went all the way up to the slide thing and then decided last minute that he didn't want to go down, so I went up and was sitting there and was going to go down with him ( I was terrified) I hate heights and that slide was no joke...But last minute he decided no way was he going down the slide and started running down the stairs so that was my cue, hell no I wasn't going down that damn thing. So the guy that operated the ride said that he wasn't going to refund the 3 dollars so that sucked, but oh well. They all went on this car ride. Baby rode in the middle although her face wasn't to happy with it. Haha. Then the girls went on the merry go round, I stood in between them and held onto their backs, then daughter1 and son went on these lizards that were like the dumbo ride in Disney, and the alligator roller coaster. I have a massive migraine from the heat and sun so am going to shower and go sleep. Shadow is pissed that he was here all day alone and once again has tipped over his food dish. Not amusing. Cats don't seem to be all that fun anymore. I'm rethinking this whole pet idea although I will never take him back to the humane society cause I rescued him ha..So I need to care for him. I have my own quirks too so oh well. Am going back on my meds tomorrow ( I think) have to call Walgreen to see if my rx is ready. So will see how long takes to feel "normal" again. Although to me that isn't normal. normal is what I feel like right now and have for the past 20 years. That's what people don't understand, you go your whole life feeling a certain way and then the meds they help when you are depressed but when you are manic its what you miss when you are on the meds. Oh well goodnite world.

Friday

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I don't feel like moving much today and its hott as hell too....Have a job interview today at 3pm although I'm soooo tempted to skip out on it...Its about noon almost and I have to get moving before my dad wakes at 130 cause he is driving me but I have to take the bus home...At least I'm getting a ride there though....I feel miserable today...My arms are hurting and my leg hurts badly too. At least shadow doesn't smell anymore and his fur is nice and soft again. He has been by my side all day today think he knows he hurt me but I know he didn't mean to he was just beyond scared ha. Wont be doing that again. Will write more after my interview tonite.

Shadow is terrified of the hair dryer

Sooooo Miss bright ideas stopped over today and thought that it would be a GREAT idea to give Shadow a bath outside since it was such a warm day....wellllll Shadow had other ideas. Actually the bath went over without a big problem, however when we got into the house and dried him off with a towel still not that great of a problem. The horror began when the hair dryer was switched on. Well needless to say we got BLEEP ( my little cousin that I was babysitting) out of the kitchen without a scratch, me well that was another story. I have two beautiful VERY PAINFUL scratches about three inches long on my left leg. Thankfully they aren't very deep. Well I must go recuperate now as baby has woken from her nap. Yes I had enough sense to keep baby away from the situation! Later

Today is Thursday

What else is new right? Ha oh well...Was going to go to the pet store and get a nail trimmer to declaw shadow but the store didn't open for another twenty minutes so we went to wal-mart and I found one there along with some toys...Got a little post thing that has a ball sticking out of it; a package with three crinkle balls, three balls with bells in and three catnip mice; and a 99 cent fishing pole toy....Did you ever notice that there is not a cent sign on the computer keyboard? I just noticed that...There is a $ sign but no cent sign! That's kinda crazy....Yea I notice stupid things sometimes...Oh well....Talked to my mother and she is going to let the kids over this Saturday and then dad said that his friend is going to work at the fair in Sussex so we are going to go to there on Saturday at 11am....That should be fun....Dad said we will go out to lunch today at 130pm so that's cool...Its already 1200pm so only an hour and a half to nap ...I better get on it hah....Night night for now...Will report more later....

Back to crappy days again

so although yesterday was a better day, i have come crashing back to earth with a loud thud. got a rejection letter from potowatomi saying they have decided to go with more qualified candidates. i was applying to pour sodas for goodness sake! whatever.. then got a letter from my case worker informing me that although i now have medical insurance, i no longer have child care! wonder fuckin full!!! now i can throw school out the door for this september. i think i will pack all my things and move to alaska. ha things have to be better there then here, if not at least its not so darn hott. im going to sleep for a little while im quite depressed again...oh well life sucks...later

tuesday seems to be bringing a better day

Manic and Depressed
rough day today although is better then the last few combined...friend of mine whom i care deeply about (wink wink) is getting me my own private paradise for a night haha....wonderful although requires much planning on our parts but oh well its all worth it in the end...have to get m butt moving and although im ecstatic to see him tonite, i have no motivation to move....i know i can veg when i get there so that makes a difference...emily has croup as the dr. finally called last nite. he said that she should be better tomorrow meaning thursday...im kinda worried though as she had her adenoids removed a month ago and the dr then explained that if they happened to remove too much tissue there could be complications with her sppech and/ or swallowing and although they came after surgery and explained that all went well, im concerned maybe all wasnt well or isnt well now.....oh dwell....she is at daycare now and i will pick her up later as it is raining right now...blah day but oh well thats ok...well i must go now to pursue happiness if only for a couple hours........

no more drama today?

Manic and Depressed

what a day today was....went to my exs house last nite and spent the night as he had showed up unexpectedly....so thinking it would be a carefree night away from all the drama, i went...well finally got baby to sleep by 10pm although her bedtime is 830, i didnt have a crib for her so thought that was ok to veer off her routine for one night...anyways the room she was in seemed really hott and so after a half hour i took her out and then the cough started...she had this same cough once before a month ago on another particualrily hott night that ended with her in the emergency room all weekend severly dehdrated and on i.v. fluids...so of course i was worried and wanted to take her to hospitol right then and there but since we were relying on public transportation and no car, thought to stay until morning and then reasses the situation to see if an E.R. visit was still necessary. We slept an hour later then usual and were out the door fifteen minutes later at 10 am. Got home around 1150am and since then baby has been coughing this hoarse cough and sleeping away the day. Put in a call to the pediatrician at 1pm and still as of now, 549 pm, have not heard back from them. Dont know if its possible to get whooping cough in the summer but it almost sounds like that...well will call dr again in the morning as the clinic is now closed. things with dad and grandma are quite confusing...dad not speaking more then what is neccesary and grandma is nice one minute and angry the next...will keep posted on that status...thats all for now i guess

BADDDD visit

Manic and Depressed
so today was supposed to see the kids. parent a went to get them adn then when a got here to the house, i suggested we go to the mall so then grandparent q decided to open her mouth and so i told her to stay out of it and parent a decided to scream at top of lungs, told to calm down kids were getting upset and then a went to hit me and hit child y instead. then i got mad and went to call police, parent a grabbed phone from me adn then i went to get out of house and parent a backed me into corner and while im holding my 2 year old, punches me in face and gives me bloody lip. then i go to get out of hosue to use payphone to call police and grandparent q decides to block me so i cant leave and parent a is behind shoving me to get out the door and then i fall into grandparent q causing q to fall down over which i then trip because now parent a has said a will kill me for knocking q down, a gets my shoe off as i get out the door with shaking child in arms and then stop a second to get other shoe off so i can walk normally, a rushes outside to tell me to come back in the house to get q up off floor and not to call police cause a will lose job, like i care! i have a bloody lip and im holding my two year old this whole time!! i cant stand this shit anymore. want to leave this planet but have child to take care of and noone else to help out. need another home to live in cause this home is no longer safe for me.

today sucks

so today is another day....had a job interview and was told that i would recieve a phone call within a week for a second interview...am not quite sure about this blogg thing but what the hell cant hurt to try it...might even get some interesting feedback.....im interested in finding out anyone who has kids and is bipolar....im bipolar and have a baby and its difficult and i guess it would be interesting to hear other peoples experiences....hate summer and really hate days like today...its cool and warm at the same time and thats weird and very uncomfortable...the kitchen has air and thats nice but the living room has no air and its HOTT!!! got a letter from my "prison buddy" as my family calls him...basically some one who i have been talking to for a year and so thats all good...well i guess thats all for now