CST MEETING WITH FOSTER PARENTS

today we had a cst meeting with the case workers and the foster parents...since we havent seen emily since september they very thoughtfully bought a picture that was emilys school picture...i have posted it here cause she is sooo precious and doing so well .... i am truly blessed to have adoptive parents for her that love her as much as we do and are willing to send pictures and letters once a year on her birthday...

CAR ACCIDENT 12-11-08

well yesterday while taking my nephew lionel to school, a car cut us off and we t-boned her but we were the ones that hit head on... soooo we are ok...were in a rental car and thankfully had insurance! so we are all covered...and lionel and i werent hurt too badly...he had a concussion and i thought my arm and fingers were broken but xrays showed they arent...still in a lot of pain today though which sucks but...anyways here are pics of the car after the crash... it was a chevy cobalt... and both airbags deployed...ugh...ok heres the pics!

RAMBLINGS ON A SAD DREARY DAY.....!!!!

my jaw is hurting and i dont know completely why.. i know my teeth are all rotted to hell and thats about 98 percent of the reason but that other two percent is what bothers me haha.... im a moron....oh well... anthony is watching XXX so i guess in a way i am too since i pay attention every once in a while ...its kinda boring but whatever...there is nothing on television right now... we have virtually no gas to go anywhere and anyways its kinda cold out too....so ..yah... (crying) i have to call the dentist on monday and make an appointment to get these damn things yanked out and get the impressions and whatever for my dentures....imagine that im not even 30 years old and have to wear dentures! life sucks....i had such beautiful teeth just five years ago but the damn depakote that i take for my bipolar has eaten all the enamel off my teeth which leads to them all having rotted to hell and back.. well no i dont think they came back haha...which is why i have to have them removed...not like i have that many left anyways...my remaining top front tooth broke about a week or two ago while i was eating of all things a soft shell taco! thats how badly decayed my teeth are....the dentist said she can save the bottom four but i am just going to get them out too cause they will need to come out in about a year or two anyways on this medicine so whatever right? im PMSing today and i think mackenzie picked up on it and decided she is going to too....but thankfully her daddy is off work today so he can deal with her cranky butt...right now she is in her crib playing but shes sposed to be napping haha... goofy girl...i went to church with my nephew this morning but came home early cause wasnt feeling well... so that kinda sucked...missed communion....but oh well... God knows i love Him haha... .he sure helped me out at eviction court thursday.... my knees are killing me lately probably cause of the cold... grrr... the car people called and are going to come get the car on the 19th unless i can get them a payment... which i cant soooo...yeah that kinda sucks ass too.... life in general is kicking my ass lately this isnt cool....!!!! christmas is coming really fast for me and its realllllllllllllly hard .... i know my baby is in great hands and has stopped asking for me but i miss her sooooooooo badly.... anthony had to put the tree up on his own this year cause i couldnt even bear to do it since last year emily "helped" with the ornaments.... sigh... i dont even wanna have christmas this year but i have to make something nice for anthony and for mackenzie although she is kinda young to understand ..... but sigh i have to just cope...there is going to be sooo many things coming up....my birthday is in january and then there is easter when last year she got her first easter basket and was soooo excited... and then comes summer when we used to go swimming practically every single day with her uncle lionel and then there will be her 6th birthday and hopefully on that day i will get a letter and some pictures from her foster mom.... but we didnt agree on a day so i dont know when she will send them....only know once a year... so... yea its going to be a hard hard year on me.... at least in march we will (hopefully) be moved into a different place that wont remind us of her soo much... as it is now everything reminds me of her... .the walls that she colored on havent been painted over just yet... cant bring myself to until the adoption thing is final i guess...the refridgerator has some of her scribbling on and of course the yogurt that her little sister loves is also the one she loved.... sigh... and her room... oh god the toddler bed that we bought just after she was taken away all prepared for her to come home with her favorite blanket stretched over the top...and her elmo dolls all over... its so difficult to let mackenzie play with them but she loves elmo too now so i dont wanna deprive her of them... she hasnt learned to walk yet, but when she does will i let her play with emilys dolly stroller? will i let her play with emilys tyco car thingee? these are all such hard questions for me to have to face and yet i think about them just about every single day... .life is sooooo hard without her....had to take her pictures down off the wall again...they are in a safe place so that i have them to look at when i want to.. i have our professional pics wallet size taped to my computer so i see her every day... maybe when we move and get into our new apartment i will put her pictures up in mackenzies room so she will remember her sister as much as she can i guess... my memories are like fading and it scares me cause i have to struggle to remember things sometimes and i dont ever want to forget her... but when i look at the pictures it all comes flashing back to me... so i guess its ok... well i have rambled enough here for today so i guess i will go now... but just remember that family is everything and dont take yours for granted for one single second!!!! they can be gone in that instant that you do... trust me i know all to clearly.... and i can never forgive myself... and i miss her way tooo much for words to explain... so well i will blog another day when hopefully i am feeling a little bit better....

THANSGIVING UPDATE

sigh ...well thanksgiving went as well as couldve been expected... of course it was very difficult to get through what with all the relatives having all their children and me only having one... the thing is is that i missed her the most after we got home and anthony and i were sitting watching television talking about her and wondering what she ate and where she was...we wonder if she was in florida as that is where her new grandparents are spending the winter or if she was here where she lives....we know she was surrounded by love and thats all that matters ....christmas is going to be very difficult to get through and i hope i dont end up in the hospitol again....! its a blizzzard out there today, the first one of the season and i am sad cause it reminds me of that fateful night when i made the mistakes i made that changed my life forever.... although i am in much better spirits and physically much better attitude, i still am saddened by the almost identical situation that is occuring today, the snow is coming down hard, we are expected to get 6-10 inches, the baby is cranky and the car isnt working well again....all these things occured almost a year ago in february and it led to me spanking my little angel and getting her taken away....lets just say i have LEARNED my lesson and will not be hitting anyone ever again! its horrible to think of again and i am sad that God has provided such circumstances...once again i am alone as anthony is at work, the baby is in her room i was trying to get her to take a nap but thats not happening haha... i will go get her momentarily...it really is beautiful when it snows, i just wish it didnt remind me of that horrible night! ....well off to get the baby before she cries....later all....hope everyone had a great thanksgiving!

-tina

UPDATE ABOUT EMILY

well heres the story so far...about three days ago i decided that i wanted to get emily back...then i called the caseworker and told her and she said she will come out today and we will talk about it more...so today she came with updates from the foster mom and emily has made GREAT strides since she has stopped seeing us .....soooo then the discussion went to whether it was the best thing for emily to get her back here in our custody...and that most likely we would have to go to trial because i already stopped visits and filed the paperwork for a voluntary termination of parental rights....soooooo that in mind, she left and anthony and i talked some after she left and i broke down cause i was sad that really in reality they arent going to let emily come back home with us, we arent the best fit when compared to natalie and andrew who have had her this time and done so much with her....so we decided that it isnt going to benefit emily to see us again and that we should let it all go...so thats where we are...losing our little girl all over again it seems...and i am grieving immensely...soooo now theres the whole story and thats that...talk to you all laters...

MACKENZIE STANDING

finally got her a toy that she can stand by and play !!!

MACKENZIE IN THE BEAN BAG CHAIR

mackenzies first time in the bean bag chair and she was just "chilling" and loving it....haha...shes too cute !

ADOPTION

well i have decided that i am going to let emilys foster parents adopt her...this was a very tough decision but its the best thing with all emilys problems and all my problems... i love her with all my heart and soul and i want only the best for her and i cant give her all that she deserves so i am giving her up!

-tina

TENNESSEE 8-08

we went to the wilson county fair in lebanon tennessee on sunday and had a blast...we went with anthonys brother brian and his wife toya and their little girl...and his sister tonya and her kids lionel and lanika....mackenzie rode the ponys and mom nearly had an astma attack trying to keep up with them as they rode around in a never ending circle...lol....mackenzie wasnt feeling it and wanted to get off but she managed to stay on until the end....thank god....that was a good 5 bucks spent at least...then we met up with the others and visited the petting zoo where we saw goats and believe it or not kangaroos....the one was hopping all around like crazy...we couldnt pet them as i think they bite...so .....but mackenzie wasnt too shy to pet the goats and i got a great picture of her doing that...also we ran into mackenzies long lost twin sister...and get this...her name is the name that i wanted to name mackenzie! her name was olivia and her mom was so sweet that she let me take a picture of the girls hugging and kissing....it was so precious...thank you maam wherever you are....then it was time to walk around and although we didnt have much moneys anthony let me splurge on a light up pacifier for mackenzie...it was only 2 bucks so wasnt that big of a purchase lol....mackenzie loved it...then against my better judgement anthony and lionel decided to take mackenzie on the little roller coaster haunted house ride...i was terrified that she was tooooo small...but the operator of the ride insisted that she was fine as long as her daddy held on to her and she sat in her own seat....so in between anthony and lionel she went and there are pics of that too...evidently it wasnt too bad and she really couldnt have cared less about the ride...lol...well all in all we had a great time...of course i am again sunburned lol....and i am literally exhausted but have a very full week ahead of me...sigh ....well i have to get my house cleaned after the tornado of us came through and threw everything on the floor and headed to bed last night...lol...talk to you all later....leave comments! thanks

tina

VISIT 7-24-08

VISIT 7-22-08 AT THE POOL

took emily to the wading pool by our house yesterday...here are some pics ...she had an absolute blast !!!

Pics from Visit 6-24-08

PICS FROM VISIT TODAY 6-19-08

PICS FROM JUNE 12,2008 VISIT

some pics

PICS

emily fell out as she was throwing a fit yesterday...

mackenzie got her ears pierced yesterday

HUH?

mackenzie has this HIGH pitched scream that she does when shes happy, sad, frustrated, mad or whenever she feels the desire to hear her little voice...my husband can somehow miraculously sleep through this racket... i however cant and thats why im blogging at 1130 at night..

JUST SOME PICS

TIME

well stepdad is doing ok i guess...my mother and i got into a fight today and she has restricted me in seeing him agin so whatever...anyways i am frustrated with my friend on myspace...but whatever...some women are too insecure...gotta go spend time with my family

PLEASE PRAY FOR US AND DRIVE SAFELY !!!!

i dont know what happened exactly yet... from what my mom said he hit one side of the expressway wall and did a 360 and hit the wall again....he is concious which is GREAT....he has a lonnng road of recovery ahead though....he has multiple fractures in both legs, broke all his ribs on his left side, which led to a punctured lung, his kidneys are severly bruised which leads to back pain of course...he is on heavy doses of morphine but he is still in a lot of pain....all your prayers are appreciated through this time and your comments would be appreciated that i know someone out there is praying for us...thanks

tina

PICTURES OF DAD FROM CAR ACCIDENT

PICTURES FROM THE CAR ACCIDENT