I CANT BREATHE

my brother darick...hes my older brother. hes 32. im 30. anyways he got sick last week and had to have emergency surgery. and then in surgery he went into respiratory failure. and now hes "sedated" and on a ventilator. can you pray for him to pull through this ok? cause i love him and hes my big brother and i cant lose him...i just cant....~Tina

SO LIFE STABBED ME IN THE BACK AGAIN

does anyone even read these blogs? anyways so last night i had to take mackenzie to the ER cause she spiked a fever of 103 (rectally). i gave her 1 1/2 teaspoons of tylenol and laid her down. after about 5 hours, i gave her another dose of tylenol and checked her temp. it was still 102. we were in the air condtioner for all those hours, and she was only in a diaper. so about two hours after that, her temp still hadnt dropped, she was really lethargic and didnt wanna move, so i hauled out her stroller and took her to childrens ER. on the bus ride there, i got a call from isaac asking could he stay the night at his friends house and i said no you need to come home, im having a crisis with mackenzie and on the way to the hospital and you need to come home. sooo i got home after midnight and no isaac. so i called the number he called me from, and she said no he isnt here. and so i went to sleep a little worried but not too much. woke up today, went about my doctor appointments and stuff (mackenzie is back to normal thank God and a little zofran) and i get home about 4pm. still no isaac. (he had a key) so i again call the number of the girl he was last with, she wont answer. so i text her that it isnt funny anymore and she needs to tell isaac to call me. this goes on for about three hours with no response coming on her end. finally my nephew lionel comes over, texts this girl and she answers him...so he gets isaac on the phone. now isaac gets all mad and tells me that he will be home tomorrow. i say that isnt acceptable and where are you, i will come and get you. he says ill be home tomrrow, then the girl gets on the phone and says some not too nice words, and hangs up on me. so i called isaacs father and he came to get isaacs things and now i wipe my hands clean of isaac.

i quit school temporarily, until august. i need to get on my bipolar meds before worrying about it anymore. i met a new therapist today and will meet with the psychiatrist soon to get on medication. also i have to have a hysterectomy the beginning of july and i will be on bedrest for at least a week, so in speaking with administrators at school, decided that it would be best to leave school until im able to dedicate myself completely to it. thankfully the fact that i carried high honors my first two classes speaks for itself and they had no problem with that decision. ok well im going to go take a bath, some clonazepam and try to relax with a netflix movie! goodnite. tina

FATHERS DAY 2010

sucked apples! it was too hard trying to occupy my gazing mind today so i spent majority of the day in bed sleeping. mackenzie was with her daddy at her aunties or grandpas house or whatever...heres some pics from our trip to the park yesterday! :) got some great pics of isaac and mackenzie playing and also when we got home, i grilled dinner outside...got a great pic of sassy being scared to come outside cause of the flame from the grill !!! :) too cute

LOST RIGHT NOW....

Emily Elizabeth (received November 2009)













there is soo much going on in my life right now...im sooo lost and i dont know where to turn..so instead of the familiarity of alcohol...or mind numbing drugs like percoset or sleeping pills...im turning to my bible...i tentatively open the book that my pastor lovingly gave me december 13, 2009....its a contemporary bible called the message...and its basically the bible translated into laments terms so to speak...unfortunately ive been flipping through it for a little while now and havent found too much to comfort my hurt and lost soul...i want to call my pastor, but im certain she wouldnt appreciate a call at 3am...i miss my emily...i miss mackenzie (shes at her aunties for the night cause i was losing my mind) ... i miss myself...i miss the person i was, i miss the person that i was sposed to be...i miss my drive and strength to survive...i miss my Emily...and i dont know where to turn or who to turn to anymore...there are so many demons in my head and i drive them out each moment of every day...i try to smile through the pain, but i just cant anymore....

Richard Marx - One More Time

TRYING

im not going to post alot, im getting a major headache...its raining catts and doggs and i think i saw some elephants too! haha thats how bad its raining!! i already called in to school...im sooo sick...im 99% sure its stress related, but i just am sooo sick...can barely leave the bathroom...ugh...and im sure i look like absolute hell too and i dont wanna scare anyone anymore then i already do :) have another biopsy tomorrow...ouch! and then i guess pending those results we will schedule the hysterectomy!

we had mackenzies IEP evaluation thing with MPS today, she tested above 80% with her cognitive abilities (she gets her brains from mamas side) but unfortunately her speech is quite delayed...so she qualifies for speech therapy 2x a week...so thats that then...alright thats my update for today! hope you all stay warm and relatively dry!

~Tina

HEAVY NEWS

let me begin by saying, as of right now, im ok...im tired alot but for the most overall part, im OK.

i was having some serious female issues, and since i got my tubes tied in 2007, i cant have any more babies...and i was fine with that...but then last year...well TMI, ill leave it at that...they did an endometrial biopsy about two weeks ago to 'rule everything out' before discussing other options....anywhoo...they called last week thursday...they found cancer...and at first i was all like huh...and kinda stupefied...and huh was kinda my vocabulary of the day...i spent the weekend sleeping...like seriously sleeping...but today was a new day. and im OK. so far the testing they have done has showed that the likelihood of it having spread is slim...so they will do another biopsy this week...and some bloodwork...and then next week i get to sit down with the dr and discuss a hysterectomy!! arent i lucky? hey i can totally look at the bright side to this...NO MORE PERIODS!! EVER!!! hallelujah!!! come on now girls, seriously if you had all the kids you KNOW you want, wouldnt you love someone to eliminate that monthly nuisance?! shooot i know i want it!! just kinda now this way you know?! so...there i wasnt sure i wanted to post it and make it known cause people get all weepy and sh** when you mention that word...but i kinda am a little scared....and my biological clock decided now to kick in high gear...im blessed...im sooo blessed, i was able to bring 4 beautiful children into this f***ed up world...and i love each of them to death...i even appreciate mackenzie just that tinnny bit more cause i had to work hard to get her!! seriously we tried for over a year to get pregnant!! imagine that!! anyways...so there it is...and maybe now i can deal with it and be ok by the time i go under the knife! lol....the plan right now is to remove my uterus and cervix...but they will leave the ovaries so i would not (hopefully) not go through menopause right now...gotta save something for my late 50's or early 60's right? yeah my birthmom is just now starting to experience menopause...soooo yeah haha....its kinda funny that i have a little sister that is younger then two of my kids!!! lmao but thats a story for another day folks!!!

goodnight!!!

NOW FOR THE REAL MEAT AND PEAS!

yeah ok wasnt in the mood to blog earlier but sooo wanted to post my final grade cause i know i would forget later...in looking back on my Kaplan Mod thingee that shows my grades and stuff, i see that last mod i got a final grade of 96.4 so that means i actually did better this time around folks!!! (high five)  im glad its over, i struggled finding pulses, then when i figured that out, i was struggling finding brachial pulses with the blood pressures!!! oyyy!!! i just about passed out trying to find the pulse of my classmate!!! lol...but in the end i was only 1 measly number off so ms. becky said ok! :) im going to seriously miss her at night, they switched her to days!!! oy!! :( but i got the chance to meet the new instructor that will be on nights now and hes a tutor so he told me that anytime im struggling in my color wheel, i can go to him for help!!! AWESOME!!!! so that made me happy...now next mod that starts on monday, will be medical office....urgh...although im kinda happy cause that should be an easy A ....notice the should be is in italics, cause im sure it isnt going to be as easy as i think!!! although i have to say, i never realized how smart i am if i actually apply myself and study!!!! haha...ok well i have a backache and im going to get some sleepers....been a lonnng night!! glad its over!!! :) now im officially in my medical assistant classes on monday!!! i passed my prerequisites!!! whoohooo!!! im already farther in 2 months. then i ever got in 3 years at MATC !!!
~Tina

END OF 2ND MOD - BLACK MOD...

98.3%

 a little disappointing , cause i know i couldve done better on 2 of those tests....but ok its still high honors!!!

SOOOO

just got told that i am a liar and that things that i distinctly know happened to me 19 years ago didnt...but thats ok...going to move on then and do what i need to do and thats cut that person outta my life for a while...and its sad cause ...well its just quite sad, but that person has been holding me down for sooo long! i cannot allow them to anymore...

got some serious news tonight and i had to share it with whoever is out there in blog land reading this..as i have stated in my earlier blogs, i go to school and each month is a different class (aka a mod) so this mod is coming to an end on thursday and im sad cause my teacher that i love, ms. becky is switching to days so i wont really see her too much anymore cause i go to school at nights... soooo ms. becky seeing that i was upset about all this bs going on, pulled me aside tonight and told me that i need to keep my head up, and keep on working as hard as i have been cause there is a VERY strong possibility that i could end up salutatorian of my graduating class in january!!! OMG OMG OMG !!!! that lifted me so far up i think my head hit heaven!! lol..not really but wow! i never thought there was that chance in my life, i mean i know i got high honors last mod and im pretty sure i will get high honors this mod, but wow!!! salutatorian is a big word!! haha im not even sure im spelling it right hahahah!! anywho...i was sooo upset tonight i messed up on my quiz and marked two answers that i kinda knew were wrong...and yeah they were wrong so i got a 90% instead of the 100% that i knew i couldve gotten...oh well...anywho i am debating now about having this hysterectomy done...i mean i want it done, i NEED it done, but i am going to have to ask my dr if it can be postponed until after graduation in january....im sure if there is nothing 'suspicious' going on right now, that it wont be too much of a problem....called cricket to change my number, they disconnected me, and now i have no service at all!!! oy thankfully its midnight and i really dont have to talk to anyone anyways lol...but still sucks....i wanna call my dad sooo bad to tell him what ms. becky said but its 1am in florida and i dont think he would appreciate me calling to tell him that...lol...ok well i should probably get to sleep too cause i have to get up now to trek to cricket to get my service back on!! lol...goodnight peoples! hope you are all safe and warm - its cool out there tonight in milwaukee...my little cloud says its 57 out there tonight...but the forecast says 80's and 90's coming for tomorrow and the rest of the week! oh happy joy joy...i hate the heat!! and i have to wear long sleeves cause of my tattoos...ugh!! nighters peoples

~Tina

THIS PAST WEEKEND WE WENT TO WIS DELLS

MY BOYS GRADUATED TODAY!!!

*ok well not my biological boys, but they feel like my sons! im sooo proud of Lionel and Isaac and im going to go cry now cause im just a huge emotional basketcase !!! ~Tina

SERIOUS DILEMMA

so this is a personal blog today...i have been having "lady issues" the last year and a half. that have led me to seek a hysterectomy. i already had my tubes tied in october of 2007, so its not that big of a leap to get the uterus taken out....but theres 1 thing stopping me...and it might seem trivial to alot of people but its serious to me...you see i have three girls and 1 boy...and i somehow got it into my head that one day if one of my kidds couldnt have kids the "natural" way, i wanted to have a nice pretty uterus to house my grandchild in for 9 months....and now im facing the fact that that might not be possible, and its breaking my heart...its not like i can take mackenzie to the dr and tell them, do an ultrasound and check to see all her lady parts are there and whatever ya know?! they would lock my a** up for sure!!! so i have this serious big decision to make and i dont know what to do...im leaning towards letting God handle my kids and potential grandbabies, and just go get the darn thing so i dont have to deal with all this stuff anymore... the dr will leave my ovaries in so i wont be dealing with hormonal issues! :) leave a comment and lemme know what you think...if anyone even reads this darn thing! ugh

~Tina

WHY??? POSTING A PIC A DAY...TRYING ANYWAYS! :)

my head still is hurting deathly bad...dr gave me a referral to the neurologist...in the meantime im on a coctail of pain medicine, cyclocenzaprine, imitrex and zofran for nausea. i want to die. this is soo much pain...came home from class early last night...couldnt hack it ! hopefully tonight will be better...although i am not holding my breath...wishing i had a car...needing a car BADLY !!! if you know anyone whos selling one and willing to take payments, please send me their number or email ! thanks....ok laters

~Tina