im so damn confused

im so damn confused is the best title...was not sure what color i wanted to go with there for the post here so was experimenting and obviously had settled on this one..anyways....so today was at this seminar thing for the church group that i wanted to get involved with and it happened to be a seminar on helping recognize child predators and such and such a thing and i was kinda hit in a few places that hurt and you know naturally when you are hurting the one thing you want to do is come home and be held by the one person in your life that ou trust and it seems that my husband has other things on his plate and in his mind besides comforting me and at this point i cant deal anymore! i just am giving it all up cause im so sick of all this shit with him. there are days that he loves me more then words and then there are days that im treated worse then the damn cat and thats not fair. and tonight and last night i told him so. i told him last night hey im on the verge of cheating on you. i came into this relationship and you were all lovey dovey and blah blah blah and now you arent. and there are people that i can talk to online and get more love from them then im getting from you and i dont understand that! and he really didnt say much and so then i was like whatever and then he walked in on me talking to my mom and i didnt change anything i was saying and i think it hit him then how serious i was bout it and then all of a sudden his whole attitude changed cause then suddenly he was all playing and happy and shit and stuff and then now today hes back to being a bitch ass and i dont get it anymore. im not going to let anyone get me down like this and damn that he is and damn that i am. it sucks. but its going to end now. cause im not going to do this. well i gotta go make some soup or something...tty all later

She has the whole world in her hands.....

Its so strange to think of the things i do when im in a mood, whether it be manic or depressed...when i attempt to think of them from my daughters eyes. is she going to remember them 20 years from now? 10 years? even four years from today....am i going to be doing something and she will come up to me and be like "mom why did you do........" and go off onto something really stupid that i did when i was in a mood? example...i was putting the laundry away and walked into her room, turned on the light and began putting things away ; my husband ( of 46 days haha ) was like now i know you arent going to go in there and wake her up...and it confused me cause ive been doing it since she was born...i mean she is used to me sleeping in there with her this is all new that im not sleeping in there with her ( new for 44 days ) and it made me seriously think...i am always going in there subjecting her to my moods...when im depressed i go in there and hold her and talk to her and when im manic im always in there in the middle of the night doing things..looking for something that i probably have long since thrown out or grown out of or whatever the mania is causing me to go hysterical about at that particular night....and you know - she ALWAYS has a smile and a hug for me....i think thats what brings me to tears all the damn time...she never judges why im in there, never seems to get mad or throw a fit like she does when she doesnt get her way, she just puts her nookie in her bucket, puts her little hands around my neck and pats my back like she does when she so lovingly gives me a hug and then when i lean back with my eyes full of tears, she smiles the most beautiful smile and reaches for her nookie before reaching for her bed....and as i tuck her back in she lifts her little arms for her "bankie" to be put under them and then she holds both nookies and smiles and rolls over to sleep again, satisfied that all is right in her little world, in her eyes its enough to save a life with just a hug and a smile....and from her.....it really is!

DUH

Hmm...the job hunt...it sucks BIG time...i have been looking for a job off and on for some time now but still no luck..today applied at Target and stuff so hopefully they will call... i know they usually hire for seasonal and with christmas and all coming up thats good...anyways though...walked a loooong way today so that was good too...got some fresh air...had taken baby to park thing yesterday and she fell on the slide and bonked her head a good one....i was crying more then she was though...guess i forget sometimes that kids are more resilient then they look..ha...ok well nothing much to report today tty all later

today was a BLACK day

sigh i almost chose to end my life today....all because im seriously depressed and i couldnt find my glasses....sigh...yes life is VERY black when bipolar and depressed....have finally quit arguing and fighting with the doctors and stuff and have gone back on the depakote....so i have to take 500 mg for 3 days, 1000 mg for 3 days, 1500 mg for 3 days and then finally back on to 2000 mg for the rest of the time now.....baked cupcakes for the church bake sale tomorrow...argued with my husband...he seems to think that i am playing when i say that im bipolar... he has asked me to get him some information on bipolar so thats what im going to do...ok well church is bright and early tomorrow morning so i must hit the hay ..gnite world!

huh

life is ok so far....am married now so thats all good...im happy hes happy baby is happy...all is good...haha....my head is killing me....been off my meds for about a week and a half so have been going back on them again as of last night cause was getting kinda insane again...have laundry up the ass to do...ha...cant get motivated to do much of anything....sigh....is kinda nice outside today so my husband took the baby and went to this place on lisbon to get his playstation game cd fixed...i guess it had a scratch in it...so he took baby and went out there...i know he is mad at me cause he wanted to go paint at his mothers house and i said no cause i dont want him to...he will be there too long every day for about 2 weeks cause something about he has to sand it down and shit...no way...his mother doesnt much like me and i dont need her filling his head with crap and then when he comes home he will be all mad at me about stupid shit...nope no way...ok well i have to go get this laundry done talk to you all later

SEPTEMBER 14 OF 05

HA...WOW...WHAT A DAY YESTERDAY WAS AND TODAY WILL BE...ACTUALLY IM IRRITATED CAUSE YESTERDAY I HAD THINGS TO DO THAT REQUIRED I BE OUTSIDE AND IT WAS QUITE HOTT AND THEN TODAY I DONT HAVE MUCH THATS REQUIRED AND ITS BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE...ALTHOUGH ISNT THAT THE WAY IT GOES SOMETIMES? HA.... WELL WE GOT OUR MARRIAGE LICENSE YESTERDAY, WE CAN PICK IT UP NEXT FRIDAY A HALF HOUR BEFORE THE CEREMONY. AND THEN WE WENT TO THE MALL AND GOT SOME NICE SILVER RINGS, WE WERE LOOKING AT PLAIN SILVER BANDS HOWEVER AS THOSE WERE A BIT OUTT OF OUR PRICE RANGE RIGHT NOW, WE SETTLED FOR SOME NICE ONES THAT HAVE A BLACK BACKGROUND AND THEN SILVER STARS OF DAVID ALL AROUND THE BAND. HIS IS A TAD BIG ON HIM BUT NOT TOO MUCH THAT IT WILL FALL OFF SO HE SAID ITS FINE FOR HIM. ALTHOUGH IM WORRIED HAHA...NOW WE ONLY HAVE ONE MORE OBSTACLE AND THATS COMING UP WITH THE OTHER $100 WE NEED TO PAY THE COMMISIONER ON FRIDAY BUT HE SAID HE IS GOING TO WORK FOR A FRIEND OF HIS PAINTING HIS HOUSE AND THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT 80 OR 90 AND I THINK I CAN COME UP WITH 20. SO THATS MY LIFE SO FAR...TALK TO YOU ALL LATER

September 10th 2005

today is a good day and a bad day....im having a very hard time with the hurricane stuff cause i see all these babies and it makes me soo sad that these poor kids are suffering and here i am sitting here getting upset when my baby pulls my hair or something and here are all these kids that dont even know where there moms are and if they are alive and stuff....is very upsetting for me...have good news though on my end at least, im getting married next month! is quite sudden but we are both ready and really feel its the best thing for us all...we are going to be a family....parent came home from florida tonite as was there for last week...i though there was more people from family and such that went but was only parent and friend that went....that mustve been boring haha...oh well...evidently they had a good time so thats good...got to see son and daughter1 yesterday as they came to meet my husband-to-be's parents...that was nice for me..well my pills are kicking in so i must get some sleep..later
sunshine