PRIMAL SCREAMS, ANGER AND OTHER SHIT

i dont know anymore.my life is flipped upside down and i dont know if it will ever be right again. i dunno if i can handle this externship, the work is fine, the people are great, but i cannot physically handle being on my feet for more then 2 hours it seems. theres alot of fighting going on in my life and 80% of it is in my own head. my heart and head want two different things and i dont know what to do. theres this person that was my life, well so i thought, but hes moved on and i guess in a way he should have cause i wasnt treating him right until the very end and then i guess it was too late. so whatever right?! theres not a day that i dont wake up in physical pain and the pills just arent taking it away anymore, so whats left after that? i got sober and dont wanna give that up, but my heart is hurting and i dont think it will ever heal again....

~Tina

DAY 1? CHECK....PAIN BEYOND BELIEF? CHECK

my angel tattoo that i got right after
getting outta jail with emily...

so today was day 1 of my externship. remember when i said i wanted to work 8 hours a day and hopefully make that january graduation? yeah thats not going to happen! but its ok, for one its not really my fault as the clinic i am working in only is open 25 hours a week! so hey thats fine with me too cause umm....after being on my feet for only 2 hours today, my knees looked like watermelons and i was in so much pain! but its ok. i LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOOVE the clinic i am working for! its two doctors (they are sooo nice), and small - only two examining rooms. and they use paper charts so i dont have to worry about learning some computer system (not that that wouldve been that hard but still) and i am so blessed that they have the "automatic" blood pressure cuffs haha so i dont have to do that manually....so all in all it was a really awesome day. i am EXHAUSTED because i couldnt sleep last night not knowing what to expect..and so now at 745pm, im ready to crash! we have a whole hour for lunch break and they order stuff for us so thats the coolest! today they had chinese food but i had bought a lunchables so i stuck with my lunchables. i gave three flu shots today and a depo shot....and a nose flu immunization. it was pretty cool. and know what? the dr that i am working for tonight, before she left she said to me " you are a fast learner, by monday you will be on your own with no shadow, youre that good! " and hugged me and left for the night. i left shortly after cause i had to vaccuum. ok well im literally falling asleep here so gnite!

~Tina

8 HOURS AND COUNTING....

i start my externship

tomorrow - well technically today

in 8 hours

im terrified
im excited
im terrified

im going to try and sleep

~Tina

WHERE DO I GO NOW?!?!?!?

October 2010 - only 1 more month to go!!!



OMG!!! ordering my graduation cap and gown?!

 so that was taken about a month ago. i finished school last night. i didnt expect it would end so quietly, cause we all know i dont end things quietly haha...i wanted to get a picture of my classmates and teacher but didnt get the chance...took a final exam and i think i might've only gotten a B and not the A i was pursuing. got papers in the mail...was kinda confused, but it was my order form for my cap and gown!! oh my God, i had no idea how close i was to being a college graduate! its insane....im scared of the challenges that lie ahead for me now, but i will conquer them as i have conquered all these others.....im going to sleep, have to get up early tomorrow ugh...but i learn my externship location an hours! whoohoo

~~Tina

ONE MORE DAY AND TWO HOURS LEFT....

Not that im counting or anything. but i cannot believe how fast these last 7 (8) months have passed. and how good ive done. i have 3 high honors and 3 honors and im hoping to get a high honor for this mod...although i dont know if that will happen. its been a rough mod! billing and coding and all that stuff! oy! mackenzie had her school pictures taken and i bought one cause her hair was a mess, but i had to buy at least one! we are going to go to walmart (hopefully) this weekend and get our christmas picture taken and then of course we have some with just mackenzie in to choose from. life has been going along...the bureau is leaving us alone for now, although that could just be some kind of fluke and maybe they had some more pressing matters to attend to before getting back to our petty case. anywho thats about all i have to say for now im tired. and still have about another hour before i get to break free from my prison! oy...nah you all know im gonna have a nervous breakdown when i leave here! i cannot handle change that well and im leaving the safety of my classroom and teachers that ive been with for the last 7 months...but im confident i will rock my externship...so for today this is what i will leave you with!

~Tina

I CANT BELIEVE HOW FAR IVE COME!!

graduation is January 2011 ! cant believe its almost here!!

i got the mail today, and there was something from school..i was wondering cause umm im there every day, they dont need to mail me something that they can hand me in class duh! haha. so i open it, and i cried so hard! and they are HAPPY tears. its VERY possible that i might be able to make the graduation ceremony in January if i finish my externship hours before then....i cannot believe that its almost here. i am almost a Medical Assistant ! its been a long hard road. but in the end when i walk across that stage, and (hopefully ill be salutatorian and can make a speech) receive that recognition, i will CRY harder then i have ever cried in my life! it will be the best day (with the exception of my kids being born and my wedding day) of my life...its something that i have struggled hard for and earned, SERIOUSLY earned. and i have gotten all A's. I managed to eek out three High Honors which is a 93% or higher, and four Honors which is 90% to 92.9%. and i have one more mod that im doing now, which i will hopefully get a High Honors for. then i have my externship. i am very blessed that i can work almost any hours for my externship, unlike a lot of my classmates who have jobs and can only work their externship around their job hours. i have to go for my TB test on monday, im interested to see if i was ever exposed to it...would be weird to know if i was huh?! haha. and get that last Hep. B shot. im nervous and excited. i know i will struggle a little but the Lord has bought me through some serious struggles these last few months, and i know He will be holding me tightly now through my work experience and i will learn a lot. my goal at this point is to finish my externship, and then work and study for about a year, and then go in to take my Registered MA or Certified MA test. Ms. Becky just took it, and shes been an MA and RN for almost 12 years, but she said its no joke and it took her about 9 hours (with small breaks in between) to complete it !!! oy!! ive briefly perused the study books at the local library and they are thick and detailed haha...but i know i can do it and i have faith in myself.

christmas is just around the corner! 33 days, 21 hours, 9 minutes and 46 seconds...(but whos counting? lol) when we went to put up our christmas tree, we realized there were pieces missing that belonged to the base so now the tree wont stand! :( haha thats great cause i wanted a new tree this year anyways so now i had a reason! went to walmart and found a reallllly nice one for 35 bucks and it had the lights on it already! cooooool ! so now just have to get mackenzie a pretty "christmas dress", which ive been eyeing these so far....Target has a beautiful red glittery dress and we all know how i like sparkles ... they also have this deep purple dress that i love, although i wanted to go more traditional with red, i might try this one out... ....but then theres this one thats not too fancy, and again isnt the traditional red...but its cute ....or this one that is more traditional and i can soo see how grown up she will look in this one. but then i thought i would venture outta my comfort zone a little, and try websites, and found thei one at Gap, untraditional but cute i think .... looooove this one .... and this one is cute although my niece had one like this so dont wanna copy.  so as you can see im facing quite the dilemma right now, im sure though as the time approaches, i will walk into walmart, target or kmart and find THE dress and ill be so happy! :) getting family picture done too this year. yay..well goodnight everyone.

~Tina

ITS BEEN ROUGH

how do you love someone when you love someone else? i love him so much and he hurt me sooo incredibly much. im with the one im with cause there is noone that will take care of me... i love him and i dont know what to do anymore...my heart hurts so bad, i havent slept in months, not a good sleep anyways....i really thought he was being honest with me that time and to come home and learn it was a week of deception....did he feel the same things i did? did he feel the chemistry when we kissed? why did he lie to me then? i was ready to throw everything i know away to be with him, maybe it was too late already but then why lie to me? i healed somehow with the emily thing a little, that was huge, did he know that? did he care?? was i just a fuck? was it nothing but how much money he could get outta me? why did i believe him?????  why cant i stop thinking about him now then?!

ITS BEEN SO LONG

since i actually sat down and blogged....lets see what i need to catch you up on...my brother darick "woke" up from his coma almost over a month ago now...he literally was discharged from the hospital 2 weeks after waking up, and the next day was at school (college) and back to work like nothing happened! wow amazing to him....im still moving along in school....cannot believe the progress i have made....i have this mod (the cardio - also the HARDEST mod according to my teacher) and one more mod (medical front office - which i know i will rock) and then i have two months of externship! i cannot believe i havent quit...its been a long road, it really has...there has been lotts of tears but also a lot of smiles cause i have AWESOME classmates and a great teacher that isnt going to let me fail myself...she pushes me, sometimes harder then i think she should, but always i seem to be able to rise to the bar shes placing me on....im loved...seriously...i have great friends who i totally miss on the weekends when they are having their lives with their families and i cannot wait to see them on monday and know how their weekend went....i also made peace with someone i thought would be a mortal enemy - through a great friend ...my friend became her friend and then told her some of the things i was going through and didnt mean to fight with this girl and wow, we are now friends....i hope she knows how much that means to me that we arent fighting anymore...its like high school sometimes with the drama....but i never really had too many friends in high school that knew the real me, and in college, i have a lot of them that i have let see that side of me that i usually keep hidden, for fear they would reject me, but they have all accepted me...and that can only be attributed to a higher power....so thats all that....ive been sick again lately...mentally and physically but im taking it one day at a time and hopefully it will pass without being too serious....i have school to keep me focused and thats great....i have unfortunately lost all ties with my "mom" and my other two kids, and that breaks my heart to no end, but its for the best right now...its a toxic relationship and it was harming me and my family here....things with anthony and mackenzie are at a rough spot, but as usual we are trying to work through it....well thats about all i can type up today, my wrists are hurting, lol....so say hi and have a good weekend!

~Tina

IDK (I DONT KNOW) WHAT TO SAY

she could sooo fit in with the POW. com website and that show "Ice Road Truckers".!!!

WOW LONG TIME NO POSTING!

i have so much to post and i just am so exhausted so idk how much i will get out tonight....in any way, my last mod finished with an A-...honors...incredible....i cant believe i have already completed 4 months of school already and with A's !!! this is incredible in my life cause i have overcome so many obstacles. i am busting my butt studying and its led to a lot of sleepless nights, countless arguments with anthony and quite a few tears on my part, but im doing it !!! i will finally have something to make my family proud of me, in a life of disappointments, thats the biggest motivation for me. im tired so thats all im going to post tonight, but i had to share with you that im proud of myself so far, and im really realizing my dreams!!

~Tina

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

on the 29th i argued with mackenzie over wearing her dress
over her pjamas to bed....she eventually won. :)

on the 29th i caught sassy drinking from the toilet bowl
again instead of the "water fountain" i bought....

on the 28th i went to a brewer game with a friend...
brewers won !! :)

SUMMING UP MY GRADE LAST MOD.....

soooo huh....I am my own worst enemy...got a 92.3% overall last mod. and 93% is high honors. so i went to my teacher and said seriously?! 4/10 of a percent?! and you know WHY tina didnt get that .4% ??? cause she couldnt keep her stupid mouth shut those first couple days of class and lost her professionalism points.....OOOOOOO! only got myself to be mad at.. on a better note...i got a 92.3% !!! THATS AN A- folks!

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY MACKENZIE!!!!

the day we came home from the hospital , 3 days old!!!

your 1st birthday!!!

2 years old

3 years old today!!!

SOOO WHY DIDNT I GO THROUGH WITH SURGERY?

i posted some pics...and then realized i should explain...i was all ready to go! seriously was up early, got mackenzie ready and off to grandmas house, and we were waiting for pastor kate to come get anthony and i. i was kinda excited, i had waited a long time for this day to come and i was really surprised that i wasnt more happy...in fact i was starting to get a little scared....but off we went. we got to surgery and they asked for a urine sample to check to make sure i wasnt pregnant...but i had my tubes tied, and an ultrasound not even a week ago...im not pregnany...well they still needed the urine...ok done. so we sat down in the waiting room and then before you knew it the little thing was buzzing and lighting up and we went back to my room. they gave me this huge purple paper gown. they have new gowns that hook up to a machine that can warm you, they say its cause when you are in surgery, your body temperature needs to stay up and this machine thing works better then blankets. o.k. well lemme tell you, that thing has rubber in it, almost like wearing a giant heating pad with some paper covering it, so i was quite warm in it, needless to say i was sweating. so we were in the room about 2 hours, when they came to draw blood, ask more questions and then we were rolling...well i was rolling (anthony and pastor kate were walking) about 6 miles...nah im kidding but it seemed to take forever to get to the pre-op area. then the anesthesiologist came in...more questions...then he injected lidocaine into my hand and then the IV needle...i told him that next time could he ask before poking me twice cause i would much rather have not received the lidocaine if it meant bein poked twice....and then he injected something into my IV, and hooked up an antibiotic that the dr ordered and a saline bag....and left. the nurse came in with a nice little "hat" and said something about there was an emergency so we wouldnt be going into surgery for at least another 2 hours....WHAT?!?!?! not fair....ok whatever....so i asked anthony to take a quick picture, pastor kate said what? this isnt the time to take pictures, but i explained that i was celebrating this so she said ok and took a pic with me. then idk what happened. a whole mix of things....and i determined right then and there that i was NOT having surgery today. anthony and pastor kate tried to reassure me, and the nurse came in twice, or maybe 2 seperate nurses idk....and then finally anthony said lets get the dr. anthony said i was like this when i got my tubes tied too and the dr was able to calm me down. so the dr came in the room, took one look at me with the tears in my eyes, and said whats wrong? i told her i didnt know, i only knew i didnt want this surgery. she said that it was fine with her cause i was the one who wanted it, and that shes happy i backed out instead of having a surgery i didnt really need in her opinion and then regretting it later....anthony agreed. i wasnt able to look at the pictures until a little while ago without serious anxiety....so im kinda glad that my husband, pastor and dr. were able to understand that i wasnt freaking out or having a panic attack, i seriously didnt want this surgery...and i didnt get forced into it...and im happy and thats all that matters....so now goodnight .....theres the story!!!

~Tina

PRE-SURGERY PICTURES

ok i got my little surgery 'hat' on now, lets get this show on the road!!!

got the IV in my hand - we're ready to rock and roll folks!!

me with my pastor (Kate) im doing this on MY terms! celebrating haha!

anthony taking 'cutesy' pics...of my feet huh?!

this is the moment that i realized i was NOT going to have this surgery!

DIDNT HAVE SURGERY

i backed outta the surgery at the last possible moment....quite literally....anywho more details on that later...having serious panic attacks thinking about it....back to school thurday...happy 3rd birthday tomorrow to mackenzie!!! whoohoo we made it kiddo!!!

~Tina

D DAY - or should i say S DAY?

well today is THE day!!! ill see you all in a couple days....!!! keep the prayers coming!!

~Tina

SURGERY TOMORROW.....

well tomorrow is the day...huh...kinda depressed about the whole thing actually haha...imagine that...!!! had my mom and the kids over yesterday to celebrate emilys and mackenzies birthdays with cake and then anthony barbecued soem chicken and corn on the cob on the grill...was a long, exhausting day but it was nice to be able to remember emily and also spend time with the family i still have....so gonna lay on this heating pad cause God couldnt allow me to go into surgery without remembering why! lol...so whatever in some pain this weekend which sucks cause i was hoping to go into surgery without ever having to deal with this again but thats ok....only a couple more hours!!! pray for me!!! see you all soon!!!

anthony, brandon, my mom, annmarie and mackenzie

me, brandon, my mom, annmarie and mackenzie

~Tina

anthony, brandon (face cut off sorry!) my mom and mackenzie

an undecorated cake was 17 bucks, vs. a decorated one (not dora like i wanted - was 35 bucks)

EMILY IS 7 TODAY!!!

well happy birthday angel girl...7 years ago today, i was blessed with a true angel on earth...even back then i knew in my heart you were special and destined for great things...it was almost three years ago that i made the biggest mistake of my life and lost you, but God was watching and there were two angels that caught you....they are now your mommy and daddy....and you also have a little brother ! (congrats N and A on that adoption too!!!) i miss you more then i ever thought possible, but today is YOUR day angel girl and im not going to sit here crying and mourning my loss, but im going to celebrate your life, and your new life....we love you and miss you soooo much emily - so heres sending wishes and kisses on the wind!



love your first mama

EMILY WAS MISDIAGNOSED

so when i got the pics of emily, natalie had said that she was diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome except i couldnt remember drinking while pregnant with her...and sure enough researching last night found this syndrome which makes a LOT of sense since i took depakote the first three months of my pregnancy! i can NOT believe in all those years with alll those specialists NOONE ever suggested this and i looked through all my papers and its all there...every single thing starts out that the pregnancy was significant for depakote exposure...this syndrome was first recognized in 1980. WHY WAS MY DAUGHTER NEVER DIAGNOSED?!! and if you look at pictures of a child with this disorder, and then at emily, the dysmorphic facial features are the same!! insane...im sooo sad...have no way to tell her new mommy natalie...and i think she needs to know....sigh...my emily will be 7 tomorrow...her golden birthday....

~Tina

MACKENZIE'S PENFIELD GRADUATION

my baby is going to be three in a couple days!! argh!! so she is "graduating" from the birth to three program....they bought a cute little cap and gown....was so adorable and of course she had a fit and didnt wanna wear it...but i finally got it on her and got a few pics of her with amanda and sarah opening her present...a fairy castle! :)

~Tina

opening her present

a princess castle!

FOX SEEN @ SCHLITZ PARK TONIGHT !! 11PMish

SOOO ITS WEDNESDAY...5 MORE DAYS! :(

yep...only about 5 more days until i have my hysterectomy. in researching  the procedure , i can say that im not as prepared as i thought i was....im happy im having the surgery cause im having too many female issues...but im also starting to get a little nervous...there are so many questions that i should have asked my doctor at the last appointment...whats a serious, REAL recovery time? cause i cant miss anymore school and i plan to return a week after surgery...the 16th...and how much walking around will i be able to do should i be doing? and what if my husband decides that he cant handle mackenzie and me like he did when i had my tubes tied and had to be outta bed that same night taking care of her? sigh...and why am i getting this stupid biological clock ticking so loudly when ive already had 4 kids and i KNOW i dont want anymore, and i had my tubes tied almost 3 years ago?! soo yeah theres a lot swirling in my head right now...i have a paper to write for school so that i can present it tomorrow in class, and also 16 chapters to review for my final exam tomorrow....cause although the mod doesnt end until tuesday, i will be hopefully in a narcotic coma in the hospital having my insides ripped outta my vagina monday afternoon, and recovering on tuesday....so i have to finish the mod tomorrow. sigh...oh shoot i have to study for my competencies this evening!!! argh!!!! gotta go! ill try to blog tonight...leave comments!!!

~Tina

EMILY PICTURES TODAY!!!

got a beautiful email from natalie about emily. shes up to 45 pounds! cant believe my little angel has gotten so big! shes doing great. they diagnosed her with fetal alcohol syndrome. i will not comment on this right now cause im kinda in shock, disbelief..cause i dont remember drinking with emily at the beginning of the pregnancy....but ok. so heres one pic of her, i only got 6 this time around...but this one she looks just like me when i was little, its cute...i miss her soo much...words will never express....so gotta go work on this 4 page paper on hymenoplasty for school,....its due thursday....and i have to comp out this week...its gonna be a LONG, very intense week cause i have two less days to do all this in....surgery in 1 week and 1 day....~Tina

NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT

im still around...is anyone even reading these blogs?! leave a comment if you actually read my posts...! thanks :) 

SURGERY SCHEDULED

im so excited, surgery is scheduled for august 9th. which means i wont have to take off any more time for school. i am going to finish my mod early and then can take off the last two days which is the 9th and 10th. whoohoo! later cause i have a research paper thats now due on the 5th! ack thats only one week and i havent even started my paper!!! uhoh gotta go!

NEUROLOGIST TODAY

went to neurologist today. in a nutshell heres the appt.




1. i need to get completely OFF percoset. i am addicted to percoset which means that my body is no longer producing the 'pain relieving' chemicals that it normally would.



2. i am having "rebound headaches". meaning that because of the percoset, a normal person would have a headache, take a pain medicine, and the headache wouldnt come back. however in my case, the percoset wears off in 4-6 hours, and the headache comes back because my body is craving the medicine.



3. he attempted to give me trigger point injections in my neck and shoulder , at which he did one and then i very carefully moved away from him and didnt allow him to touch me again....at which point he was quite upset, cause he thinks im a crackhead whos addicted to percoset and doesnt want to do anything else but take the pills....which he actually said...well maybe he didnt say i was a crackhead...but he did in not so many words....



4. i was sent home with a prescription for lyrica to take daily to try and relieve the pain from my neck and shoulder, and two steroidal creams for the pain....



5. i am also scheduled for physical therapy to make my neck and shoulder muscles stronger....



6. i have been instructed to reduce the stress in my life....hahahahahahahahaha thats funny!



7. i am scheduled to go back to him in three months. at which point i should be completely weaned from the percoset....



so that was my appointment...my shoulder hurts like a *&^%^$ so i am going to go attempt to rest before my meeting at school with financial aid which i am sure will give me a headache...and then class tonight....thats about it for now



~Tina

SCHOOL STARTS AGAIN TODAY!!!

arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!! its going to storm tonight on my way home from school, and i dont have a car...or an umbrella....yay! :( will blog after school or tomorrow...have a good night...watch big brother for me!!

COMPARING THE SKELETON PICS :)

january 2010

july 2010   too cute! :)

THE BESSSSST DAY EVER

today was a phenomonal day! anthony and i got up as soon as we heard mackenzie (ugh 8am is too early for mama) and we got dressed (had all our clothes laid out last night) and headed out to the museum. mondays its free for milwaukee county residents with a picture id....so we got there around 845am. it was a little busy but not super-busy so yay! haha....we had a great time, we were there actually almost 3 hours, and we only did ONE floor !!! haha insane! but it was the MOST AWESOME time cause mama actually got to READ and LOOK at the exhibits while daddy was dragged around relentlessly with mackenzie !! awesome!!! heres just a sample of the pictures that i got to take....and you know there are some with mack in...not just the exhibits, although i have to say the exhibits were VERY interesting! :) thanks you to my hubby!

~Tina