Manic and Depressed

I wrote this 'poem' about three weeks after i attempted suicide in March of 2002. I wrote it on April 18th 2002.


The road ends here
Only dirt and darkness
Noone around
only me

My heart begins to pound
my head begins to spin
my hands shake as my resolve grows weak.

i pick up the bottle
the warm liquid burns my throat
i begin to cry
i thought i was stronger
i know im not

why am i so sad?
noones here
noone cares
they say they do but they arent around

i pick up the bottle of pills
my hands tremble
as my finger links on the "do not drink" label

i open the bottle and throw my head back
i let them all fall in, back to my throat
i take another quick swig and finish my alcohol

my breathing becomes quick
my pulse gets weak
its almost time
i begin to think

everything goes black
when i wake up
im looking down

my mom is crying
my dad is too
"im sorrry" i yell
they cant hear me though

oh no...im dead....


dont think of that as a threat or "premonition" into what im feeling right now cause im not thinking of commiting suicide and if i was i know there are places to go right now. im just simply rehashing what happened that night. more so for myself then anyone else. im losing my mind slowly but certainly and that is the path im headed towards again. this time is different though. not ten feet away from me, an angel sleeps. she is truly my gift from God. after all the miscarriages and the pain i suffered with my last one being two months early, this one went without a hitch. and yet there are so many tests and trials that i am going through now with this angel that i dont quite know what my next step will be. i only know that i need to be here when she wakes up at 5am for that bottle. for now she is the only one that needs me and the funniest thing, i need her more then she will ever know............