HUH

so thursday afternoon i was sick, i mean in bed dying sick...and the person that i think might've harmed my dauther was in my house....so of course me being me i got in his face...he didnt deny it, he laughed in my face and said 'well thats a strong accuasation....' and carried on with the conversation he was having with my husband...i wanted to tear him limb from limb, but instead i went into my bedroom....i took 2 ambien and tried to sleep....well so i thought...the details from then until friday afternoon are hazy but with anthony and other peoples help, heres what proceeded to happen....around 5pm i went into my bedroom, unknow to anthony i took about 20 shaving razors with me...around 9pm anthony got a barrage of text messages when he turned his cell phone on as he was getting ready for work...there were 3 picture messages with lotts of blood and cuts on my arm...he had no idea when these were actually sent since the network is crappy and lists the time you received them...so he attempted to come into the bedroom to see what i had done now...and when he couldnt get in, he panicked, he sent the pictures to a few friends and one of them called the police. well 911....the fire department came first...i remember this part a little, there was about 6 of them in my dining room, telling me i really should go to the er and get checked out....uhhuh...and then i go straight to mental health on a 72 hours psych hold, i think not im fine, wasnt trying to kill myself honest goodbye...next thing i knew i was in mental heatlh...turns out the fire department cant say too much but the police, they have shiny things called handcuffs...anyways i GUESS i was fighting the lady officer pretty hard and so i was double cuffed and placed in the back of the squad car and taken in. they placed me on a 24 hour hold but somehow i convinced the psych dr at the hosp. that i was fine and they sent me home in a cab....i see 2 things wrong here, 1. how the HELL was i left to come home and in a cab no less?????? and 2. why cant i remember anything anymore? ...this is particularly disheartening because of the situation with losing emily and i blanked out, and now im fighting law enforcement? no you see i LOVE the police, i have nothing but respect for them, and to hear i was fighting them makes me cringe....i have to say though lady officer needs to cut her darn nails cause i now have 5 claw marks on my upper arm! grrr...

me

I GUESS A NEW? CHAPTER.....

sooo 17 days ago, i posted about anthony and i seperating, and how i had found someone i loved and blah blah blah....well obviously as is my life, it didnt work out. i dont exactly know what was the final straw for him, but i know that i kinda freaked about someone that i felt a loyalty to even though that person had hurt me repeatedly through choices that he made while intoxicated or high. this person was also "feeding" my high, and never helping me sober up...and the guy that i 'loved' just had enough and point blank told me so. and of course, i did what i do, and i snapped. and i blacked out exactly as i did when i lost emily, only this time was literally 48 hours. i dont remember too much, i remember him coming here, giving me my key, and telling me it was over. i remember BEGGING him not to do that, to give me another chance, and he said no and left. and i dont know much after that, but as usual i took pictures. i wont post them here cause this time it was sooo much worse then last time. i honestly dont even know how im sitting here and not in a hospital room with padded walls....but i am so whatever we will go with it i guess. i am going to speak to my therapist tomorrow for the 2nd time this year, ha yeah its been 8 months into this year and i only have seen him once before....sad....but this is going to be such a different appointment. im scared and nervous and worried. ya see for over 3 years, i have been self-medicating with percocet...for over 15 years i have been self-medicating with alcohol...i have NEVER dealt with the issues head-on....childhood traumas, losing emily, losing dumb a$$, losing grandma, losing myself....and i NEED to confront those issues if i am EVER to have peace and true happiness in myself, and it honestly scares the hell out of me. there is no more  buffer zones....nothing to numb this stuff, and its gonna be some serious hard s*** that will test all of my willpower and test my sobriety to NO EXTENT....and i lost like all my support. for real....i still have anthony and i still have this 'guy', but i mostly have to depend on myself and learn to LOVE MYSELF ....and its been 7 years since i have done that....pray for me, i pray for you....

~Tina

ITS OVER NOW...

almost 6 years...in face we are short 2 months and 8 days short of our 6 year anniversary and we are officially calling it quits. if you know me personally then you know the bs we have gone through and put each other through the last 4-5 years. between the drama with his ex when we first got married, to the physical abuse, to losing Emily, to almost losing Mackenzie....i lost myself along the way. i dont know when exactly it happened, but  a couple days ago, i met someone that made me realize how much i have disappeared from my own life....and its not right. mackenzie deserves her mama to be here full heartedly and i deserve to stop hurting and stop trying to hurt anthony. im tired of being called names and told all kinds of horrible things. i am not perfect by any means, i have given as good....well almost as good as i get, but the bruises are still here, and the pain may never go away. in thinking SERIOUS thinking that i havent done in a long time, i realized that im only staying in this marriage for stupid reasons. i dont want to be 31 and divorced, i dont want to admit that it didnt work out, i dont want mackenzie to have to grow up with divorced parents and all the issues that come along with that...and i didnt want to lose the last person in my life that reallly really understands what it means to have lost Emily and the struggle and pain that came with all that. but then i had to start thinking, and maybe, just maybe i am still holding onto Emily and not moving on because i keep thinking about the past, i wont let it go. and maybe im just fooling myself into thinking that he cared still. over the last year, there have been more bad times then good, and i just have to stop. its not that i dont love him anymore, good lord i love anthony more then i ever loved anyone, and he taught me sooo much about myself and how to be strong and how to be a good mom and love myself....but somewhere along the way, all that fell apart, i stopped being strong, i stopped being free, i stopped loving myself. and as much as i will always love anthony, because i truly believe he was my soul mate....but i think there comes a point when you have to stop hurting each other. you have to stop fighting and let each other go to find happiness even if its with someone else....so with a little heavy heart today, i am saying ok. im done hurting you, i am done letting you hurt me. its over now.

~Tina

DOCTOR TODAY

seen my doctor today since i didnt make the sobriety thing work out last time, i got a refill on my percocet on july 5th, but today july 13th, i am out of it completely. so OBVIOUSLY i have to quit. anyways lotts of things have happened in the last 9 days! on sunday the 10th, this great guy came into my life...of course its entirely too early to see if this is going to last a long time, but i can say he has shown me a completely different side of myself that i thought i lost. i dont understand the complexities of this situation yet, since i am still technically with anthony, but since we are seriously having more and more problems and issues i really dont think that we are going to make it much longer....its kinda sad but thats the facts...anyways so went to the doctor again today, he came in and sighed...uh-oh i thought, this is going to be a serious conversation today...alright deep breath...yeah doctor looked at me and asked the hard questions...are you detoxing right now? uh yeah cant you see me jumping out of my skin? hello im shaking like a damn leaf but no im great thanks for asking! (doink) anyways so then he tells me you know we had this conversation in March so why are we here again? and i sigh and start crying...for real im crying...sad! anyways i explain that i got off the meds in jan. but i have no idea how i got back on them, the librium wasnt helping in march so i got upset and gave up....anyways long story short we are going to try the librium again and HOPE that it works....its 730pm and im going on 24 hours with no percocet....heres to another 24 hours!!!

~Tina

TRYING TO GET SOBER FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME!

literally being forced into sobriety haha. no seriously dont have any percocet left so kinda have to try this getting sober on my own thing. the last couple weeks have been really manic, i have popped so many pills and drank so much alcohol and made such seriously bad decisions, and i love my daughter and husband and i NEED to get my life straight and back on track. yes im seriously mad that here i sit 5 months after finishing my college degree with a 3.89 GPA, i still dont have a job! yet others that i went to who barely scored C's with a job and a pretty good one at that! its not for lack of me trying either, because i have more rejection emails in my inbox then i have ever seen in my life! and its not ok anymore. i am going to dish out even more money in an attempt to get certified so that i have a small one-up on my competition but i dont even know if thats going to work...for now i am trying to not go insane and deal with twitches and nausea and GI irritations in general so that i can (hopefully) beat this percocet addiction thing....and then i have to go have 9 teeth pulled on the 27th and cannot take any pain meds afterwards (nope not kidding, once recovered addict, always an addict and NO narcotics are ok anymore!) and scheduling arthroscopic surgery for my knees....oh boy! haha yep the doctors been trying to get me in there for some time now and ive been like no let me lose weight and walk some more and try that....well i have lost about 30 pounds (doesnt look like it) since last year, and walk every day for at least 30 minutes, and nothing. no relief...if anything i think its gotten worse so i cannot take anymore...happy 4th of july ya'll

~Christina

at the milw. county zoo on june 25th w some friends

the penguins loved the warm day!

went out to the lake later that day w same friends, forgot macks swimsuit, so her panties and tank top made a cute lil bikini ;)

sitting in the sun at home, trying not to look like Casper the friendly ghost

playing in the backyard pool!

july 2nd, playin with her toys, yes shes wearign a sweatshirt cause i have the a/c on !

Wisconsin Humane Society - Available Animals

Wisconsin Humane Society - Available Animals

KAPLAN GRADUATION 06/05/2011