ITS OVER NOW...

almost 6 years...in face we are short 2 months and 8 days short of our 6 year anniversary and we are officially calling it quits. if you know me personally then you know the bs we have gone through and put each other through the last 4-5 years. between the drama with his ex when we first got married, to the physical abuse, to losing Emily, to almost losing Mackenzie....i lost myself along the way. i dont know when exactly it happened, but  a couple days ago, i met someone that made me realize how much i have disappeared from my own life....and its not right. mackenzie deserves her mama to be here full heartedly and i deserve to stop hurting and stop trying to hurt anthony. im tired of being called names and told all kinds of horrible things. i am not perfect by any means, i have given as good....well almost as good as i get, but the bruises are still here, and the pain may never go away. in thinking SERIOUS thinking that i havent done in a long time, i realized that im only staying in this marriage for stupid reasons. i dont want to be 31 and divorced, i dont want to admit that it didnt work out, i dont want mackenzie to have to grow up with divorced parents and all the issues that come along with that...and i didnt want to lose the last person in my life that reallly really understands what it means to have lost Emily and the struggle and pain that came with all that. but then i had to start thinking, and maybe, just maybe i am still holding onto Emily and not moving on because i keep thinking about the past, i wont let it go. and maybe im just fooling myself into thinking that he cared still. over the last year, there have been more bad times then good, and i just have to stop. its not that i dont love him anymore, good lord i love anthony more then i ever loved anyone, and he taught me sooo much about myself and how to be strong and how to be a good mom and love myself....but somewhere along the way, all that fell apart, i stopped being strong, i stopped being free, i stopped loving myself. and as much as i will always love anthony, because i truly believe he was my soul mate....but i think there comes a point when you have to stop hurting each other. you have to stop fighting and let each other go to find happiness even if its with someone else....so with a little heavy heart today, i am saying ok. im done hurting you, i am done letting you hurt me. its over now.

~Tina