I GUESS A NEW? CHAPTER.....

sooo 17 days ago, i posted about anthony and i seperating, and how i had found someone i loved and blah blah blah....well obviously as is my life, it didnt work out. i dont exactly know what was the final straw for him, but i know that i kinda freaked about someone that i felt a loyalty to even though that person had hurt me repeatedly through choices that he made while intoxicated or high. this person was also "feeding" my high, and never helping me sober up...and the guy that i 'loved' just had enough and point blank told me so. and of course, i did what i do, and i snapped. and i blacked out exactly as i did when i lost emily, only this time was literally 48 hours. i dont remember too much, i remember him coming here, giving me my key, and telling me it was over. i remember BEGGING him not to do that, to give me another chance, and he said no and left. and i dont know much after that, but as usual i took pictures. i wont post them here cause this time it was sooo much worse then last time. i honestly dont even know how im sitting here and not in a hospital room with padded walls....but i am so whatever we will go with it i guess. i am going to speak to my therapist tomorrow for the 2nd time this year, ha yeah its been 8 months into this year and i only have seen him once before....sad....but this is going to be such a different appointment. im scared and nervous and worried. ya see for over 3 years, i have been self-medicating with percocet...for over 15 years i have been self-medicating with alcohol...i have NEVER dealt with the issues head-on....childhood traumas, losing emily, losing dumb a$$, losing grandma, losing myself....and i NEED to confront those issues if i am EVER to have peace and true happiness in myself, and it honestly scares the hell out of me. there is no more  buffer zones....nothing to numb this stuff, and its gonna be some serious hard s*** that will test all of my willpower and test my sobriety to NO EXTENT....and i lost like all my support. for real....i still have anthony and i still have this 'guy', but i mostly have to depend on myself and learn to LOVE MYSELF ....and its been 7 years since i have done that....pray for me, i pray for you....

~Tina