I CANT BREATHE

my brother darick...hes my older brother. hes 32. im 30. anyways he got sick last week and had to have emergency surgery. and then in surgery he went into respiratory failure. and now hes "sedated" and on a ventilator. can you pray for him to pull through this ok? cause i love him and hes my big brother and i cant lose him...i just cant....~Tina

SO LIFE STABBED ME IN THE BACK AGAIN

does anyone even read these blogs? anyways so last night i had to take mackenzie to the ER cause she spiked a fever of 103 (rectally). i gave her 1 1/2 teaspoons of tylenol and laid her down. after about 5 hours, i gave her another dose of tylenol and checked her temp. it was still 102. we were in the air condtioner for all those hours, and she was only in a diaper. so about two hours after that, her temp still hadnt dropped, she was really lethargic and didnt wanna move, so i hauled out her stroller and took her to childrens ER. on the bus ride there, i got a call from isaac asking could he stay the night at his friends house and i said no you need to come home, im having a crisis with mackenzie and on the way to the hospital and you need to come home. sooo i got home after midnight and no isaac. so i called the number he called me from, and she said no he isnt here. and so i went to sleep a little worried but not too much. woke up today, went about my doctor appointments and stuff (mackenzie is back to normal thank God and a little zofran) and i get home about 4pm. still no isaac. (he had a key) so i again call the number of the girl he was last with, she wont answer. so i text her that it isnt funny anymore and she needs to tell isaac to call me. this goes on for about three hours with no response coming on her end. finally my nephew lionel comes over, texts this girl and she answers him...so he gets isaac on the phone. now isaac gets all mad and tells me that he will be home tomorrow. i say that isnt acceptable and where are you, i will come and get you. he says ill be home tomrrow, then the girl gets on the phone and says some not too nice words, and hangs up on me. so i called isaacs father and he came to get isaacs things and now i wipe my hands clean of isaac.

i quit school temporarily, until august. i need to get on my bipolar meds before worrying about it anymore. i met a new therapist today and will meet with the psychiatrist soon to get on medication. also i have to have a hysterectomy the beginning of july and i will be on bedrest for at least a week, so in speaking with administrators at school, decided that it would be best to leave school until im able to dedicate myself completely to it. thankfully the fact that i carried high honors my first two classes speaks for itself and they had no problem with that decision. ok well im going to go take a bath, some clonazepam and try to relax with a netflix movie! goodnite. tina

FATHERS DAY 2010

sucked apples! it was too hard trying to occupy my gazing mind today so i spent majority of the day in bed sleeping. mackenzie was with her daddy at her aunties or grandpas house or whatever...heres some pics from our trip to the park yesterday! :) got some great pics of isaac and mackenzie playing and also when we got home, i grilled dinner outside...got a great pic of sassy being scared to come outside cause of the flame from the grill !!! :) too cute

LOST RIGHT NOW....

Emily Elizabeth (received November 2009)













there is soo much going on in my life right now...im sooo lost and i dont know where to turn..so instead of the familiarity of alcohol...or mind numbing drugs like percoset or sleeping pills...im turning to my bible...i tentatively open the book that my pastor lovingly gave me december 13, 2009....its a contemporary bible called the message...and its basically the bible translated into laments terms so to speak...unfortunately ive been flipping through it for a little while now and havent found too much to comfort my hurt and lost soul...i want to call my pastor, but im certain she wouldnt appreciate a call at 3am...i miss my emily...i miss mackenzie (shes at her aunties for the night cause i was losing my mind) ... i miss myself...i miss the person i was, i miss the person that i was sposed to be...i miss my drive and strength to survive...i miss my Emily...and i dont know where to turn or who to turn to anymore...there are so many demons in my head and i drive them out each moment of every day...i try to smile through the pain, but i just cant anymore....

Richard Marx - One More Time

TRYING

im not going to post alot, im getting a major headache...its raining catts and doggs and i think i saw some elephants too! haha thats how bad its raining!! i already called in to school...im sooo sick...im 99% sure its stress related, but i just am sooo sick...can barely leave the bathroom...ugh...and im sure i look like absolute hell too and i dont wanna scare anyone anymore then i already do :) have another biopsy tomorrow...ouch! and then i guess pending those results we will schedule the hysterectomy!

we had mackenzies IEP evaluation thing with MPS today, she tested above 80% with her cognitive abilities (she gets her brains from mamas side) but unfortunately her speech is quite delayed...so she qualifies for speech therapy 2x a week...so thats that then...alright thats my update for today! hope you all stay warm and relatively dry!

~Tina

HEAVY NEWS

let me begin by saying, as of right now, im ok...im tired alot but for the most overall part, im OK.

i was having some serious female issues, and since i got my tubes tied in 2007, i cant have any more babies...and i was fine with that...but then last year...well TMI, ill leave it at that...they did an endometrial biopsy about two weeks ago to 'rule everything out' before discussing other options....anywhoo...they called last week thursday...they found cancer...and at first i was all like huh...and kinda stupefied...and huh was kinda my vocabulary of the day...i spent the weekend sleeping...like seriously sleeping...but today was a new day. and im OK. so far the testing they have done has showed that the likelihood of it having spread is slim...so they will do another biopsy this week...and some bloodwork...and then next week i get to sit down with the dr and discuss a hysterectomy!! arent i lucky? hey i can totally look at the bright side to this...NO MORE PERIODS!! EVER!!! hallelujah!!! come on now girls, seriously if you had all the kids you KNOW you want, wouldnt you love someone to eliminate that monthly nuisance?! shooot i know i want it!! just kinda now this way you know?! so...there i wasnt sure i wanted to post it and make it known cause people get all weepy and sh** when you mention that word...but i kinda am a little scared....and my biological clock decided now to kick in high gear...im blessed...im sooo blessed, i was able to bring 4 beautiful children into this f***ed up world...and i love each of them to death...i even appreciate mackenzie just that tinnny bit more cause i had to work hard to get her!! seriously we tried for over a year to get pregnant!! imagine that!! anyways...so there it is...and maybe now i can deal with it and be ok by the time i go under the knife! lol....the plan right now is to remove my uterus and cervix...but they will leave the ovaries so i would not (hopefully) not go through menopause right now...gotta save something for my late 50's or early 60's right? yeah my birthmom is just now starting to experience menopause...soooo yeah haha....its kinda funny that i have a little sister that is younger then two of my kids!!! lmao but thats a story for another day folks!!!

goodnight!!!