I HAVE NO CLUE SO ILL JUST SMILE AND PRETEND

thats how i feel right now. i just...man. i had a reallllllly rough day and i swear, it just was bad! i didnt sleep again last night, finally fell out around 4am, then woke up to a nice bright sun....uhoh...theres not sposed to be sun at 5am when i wake anthony for work....i felt him reach over me to grab my cell phone to check the time...i pretended i was asleep...darn it was 730, i made him miss his am shift. we fought of course for about twenty minutes and then i apologized and we took mackenzie to school. (we had a rental car for the day) then we went home and he made me breakfast (awww) and we watched netflix until it was time to go get mack. then we dropped her off at the house w our nephew babysitting, and we went to my therapist appointment. THAT was the most frustrating appointment...i had canceled a couple appointments cause while i was doing my externship i couldnt take any days off to go to the therapist or psychiatrist BUT i had spoken to my psychitrist 3 times during the 2 months and anthony had spoken to him a couple times. i was taking my lithium and busting my butt at my externship so i literally was exhausted when i got home at night and all was fine. well grandma died on January 19th. i knew it was coming, but ...i remember getting the call while i was with a patient. i literally had to hang up the phone and continue on for two hours before i had lunch break. i remember crying the whole hour lunch break and talking with my dad and trying to calm him and finding when the funeral would be etc. cause i was NOT missing my grammas funeral. i didnt get to be in florida to say goodbye, i would be at the funeral. and then i had to be back with patients the rest of the day and when i got home that night, i literally became this "strong" person (i thought) for my dad and mom and family cause they needed me ya know? and i didnt take my lithium. and until last week, i didnt take it again. my dad has been here since the 21st and left last week monday to head back to florida. i cut my arm tuesday night/ early wed morning.....i can only assume that my dad leaving me triggered an emotional break. i love my dad, besides anthony, my dad is my strength and it hit me a lot harder then i thought that grandma died...so i blocked out....i learned its called "disassociating"...and hurt myself. so anyways anthony and my mom and stuff were realllly scared even though i swore it wasnt a suicide attempt, so i was convinced to go to the psych hosp on wednesday night around 11pm. thursday when the doctor came to speak with me, anth was there 'visiting' and he literally kicked anth out the room! wtf? he said well your insurance will only pay for you to stay one more night and then you have to go home so i will see you tomorrow to discharge you around 5-6 pm. i was stunned...WHAAAT? have you seen my arm? have you not heard me when i said i have NEVER cut myself on purpose? so i checked myself out then, i mean what are you going to do for me in one more night that i cant do at home? so we went home. anyways back to today - at therapist...she starts out by telling me well you havent been consistent with appointments so im not surprised to see you ended up in the hospitol. i wanted to smack her! wtf? so i calmly explained the situation w my externship site and shes like well if you told them you had a mental illness and needed ...i stopped her right there. i said i did tell them, but i could NOT take the time off to get here. and then anth intervened and said actually she called here and was trying to get the dr to see her on sat or evenings and they said no. so ok end of that. so then she says well what do you want me to do? i said i dont know youre the dr! so we got into a big arguement about my "choices" and blah blah blah. so the appt ended w me anthony and the therapist agreeing to call the insurance to schedule an appointment to get a whole new assessment. im VERY concerned about the fact that im "blacking out" and its scary ya know? ...so then dropped anthony off to work and out to petco @ southridge to return the expired flea meds i had bought for rover. as im pulling into petco i realize car is on empty, im quite literally driving on fumes! oy! so thankfully i made it to the gas station and that crises was averted. well i threw my purse in the trunk...dont have a clue why...but i did....and then as im pumping gas realized i have 30 minutes to make it to the complete other side of town for my doctor appointment with my 'regular' doctor. oy! so i hop in car and get into serious gridlock traffic on the expressway and make it to the dr appt w literally 2 minutes to spare. so i made the choice to tell him today what i should have said a year ago, i am addicted to percocet and i need help to stop it. i tried to detox and got seriously sick, insurance wont pay for inpatient and i cant do outpaitent because no bus money, no daycare, etc. so doctor asks me my symptoms, i tell him he says yes you are detoxing. ok well here is what we can do. start this medicine that helps reduce withdrawl symptoms...he was very kind and patient with me (hes been my dr for over 5 years) and almost kinda expected and seemed relieved that i was finally telling him. then he printed the rx and came back into the room and asked me if i have a church, i said yes and our pastor is one of our biggest support people in my life. and he spent almost a half hour telling me to trust God will help me. wow. that was great. and then i went to return the rental car....(remember earlier @ the gas station when i put my purse in the trunk?) and they were sooo busy that he literally checked me in and then i had to wait for a ride home, and i watched and even JOKED with the man who was taking the car i was returning....i had taken it to the car wash so it was all pretty for him i said :) and the man left....and about 45 minutes later my hubby came to get me....and we get home.....and nephew says the netflix isnt working. what? i paid it 2 days ago, sigh lemme check the darn prepaid credit card to see if the charges came off the card....go looking for my purse and wallet....OHHH MY GODDDDD!!!! i left it in the rental car trunk! that man left over 2 hours ago!!! call rental car place in tears, and they (i think he died a little right then) inform me that the man was on his way to madison and wouldnt be back until friday. now i start to panic....so rental manager (who by the way didnt ck the trunk lol) calls man and man is already out of town....but he wants to personally call me, so i give mgr permission to call me and mgr tells me ya know this guy has a corporate account w us and hes a bigwig with a BIG local television station...(if he trusted anyone with his wallet it would probably be this guy) ...and the guy calls me, he has pulled over in rush hour traffic on the highway and called me to reassure me that yes my purse is in the trunk and he will keep it safe until he can get back here on friday. so now im a little calmer but man im a moron! so that was my day. i think tomorrow im going to stay in bed, but know i cant cause mackenzie is off school.....man its gonna be a long one! goodnight
~Tina