WARNING GRAPHIC PHOTO...NOT ATTEMPTED SUICIDE...BUT SERIOUS MENTAL BREAKDOWN

its healing, it wasnt deep (thank God, but its going to scar which makes me sad)

i dont know. i went off my meds the day grandma died, january 19th. and i was being the "strong" one finishing my externship and being there for my family. and then my dad was here from Florida and i was doing ok, or thought i was. we went to the dells two weeks ago and had a great time and anthony and i managed to get some "alone" couple time while lionel took mackenzie swimming in the kids area and it was great. but monday my dad went back to florida and then suddenly i felt like my floor had fallen from beneath my feet. i started fighting with everyone for no reason at all and the fights with anthony were bad. and suddenly i woke up on wednesday morning and was a mess. i only remember bits and pieces, but the gist of it is that i was fighting particularly badly with anthony and i told him to leave, and so he decided to sleep on the couch and that made me sooooo mad. and so i ...well i will not leave details, but i cut myself pretty bad with a razor. anthony woke up and i guess he thought that i had just cut myself a little, (i have NEVER cut myself before, all previous attempts were overdoses of pills, but this wasnt an attempt on my life, it was a cry for help) and mixed it with water to make it look like more blood and thats why he went to work and didnt bother checking on me. thankfully lionel was here and took care of mackenzie and even got her up for school in the morning as i asked him to....so anyways i went to the mental hospital on wednesday night and stupid insurance would only cover two nights (WTF?!?!) because i wasnt suicidal...so whatever. anthony came in yesterday and talked to the doctor person on call there, and my hubby bought me home. well my mom came and got us (thank you mommy) and so now im home and back on my lithium. im not going to say all is well cause its not. basically the dr person said until i deal with emily, i will not be healthy again. and thats kinda scary. i dont want to deal with the emily situation. i had a little revelation tonight and shared with anthony ( a HUGE step for me!)...that i feel like confused. i dont want emily to EVER think that i "gave her away" cause she needed more care and mackenzie doesnt. mackenzie was walking in my shoes, like little girls do and playing dress up. things that when i found out emily had a brain disorder and all that, i had given up that i would ever have a "daughter that did the 'normal' things" and now i have a "normal" daughter and i think i feel guilty about that....and thats what i need to work on too. i need to forgive myself for hurting emily and i need to understand that its ok and emily is in a MUCH better place then i could ever give her,...and i need to love mackenzie for all that she is. and so today was a step in the right direction. i just needed to share that, and i wanted to show my arm and i want people to know that you can get help and you should get help before hurting yourself. cause now i have scars that i know will forever make people question me...and it makes me soo sad especially since im going into the medical field...so im going to say my prayers, and kiss my mackenzie and my husband and know they love me!
goodnight

~Tina