I HAVE NO CLUE SO ILL JUST SMILE AND PRETEND

thats how i feel right now. i just...man. i had a reallllllly rough day and i swear, it just was bad! i didnt sleep again last night, finally fell out around 4am, then woke up to a nice bright sun....uhoh...theres not sposed to be sun at 5am when i wake anthony for work....i felt him reach over me to grab my cell phone to check the time...i pretended i was asleep...darn it was 730, i made him miss his am shift. we fought of course for about twenty minutes and then i apologized and we took mackenzie to school. (we had a rental car for the day) then we went home and he made me breakfast (awww) and we watched netflix until it was time to go get mack. then we dropped her off at the house w our nephew babysitting, and we went to my therapist appointment. THAT was the most frustrating appointment...i had canceled a couple appointments cause while i was doing my externship i couldnt take any days off to go to the therapist or psychiatrist BUT i had spoken to my psychitrist 3 times during the 2 months and anthony had spoken to him a couple times. i was taking my lithium and busting my butt at my externship so i literally was exhausted when i got home at night and all was fine. well grandma died on January 19th. i knew it was coming, but ...i remember getting the call while i was with a patient. i literally had to hang up the phone and continue on for two hours before i had lunch break. i remember crying the whole hour lunch break and talking with my dad and trying to calm him and finding when the funeral would be etc. cause i was NOT missing my grammas funeral. i didnt get to be in florida to say goodbye, i would be at the funeral. and then i had to be back with patients the rest of the day and when i got home that night, i literally became this "strong" person (i thought) for my dad and mom and family cause they needed me ya know? and i didnt take my lithium. and until last week, i didnt take it again. my dad has been here since the 21st and left last week monday to head back to florida. i cut my arm tuesday night/ early wed morning.....i can only assume that my dad leaving me triggered an emotional break. i love my dad, besides anthony, my dad is my strength and it hit me a lot harder then i thought that grandma died...so i blocked out....i learned its called "disassociating"...and hurt myself. so anyways anthony and my mom and stuff were realllly scared even though i swore it wasnt a suicide attempt, so i was convinced to go to the psych hosp on wednesday night around 11pm. thursday when the doctor came to speak with me, anth was there 'visiting' and he literally kicked anth out the room! wtf? he said well your insurance will only pay for you to stay one more night and then you have to go home so i will see you tomorrow to discharge you around 5-6 pm. i was stunned...WHAAAT? have you seen my arm? have you not heard me when i said i have NEVER cut myself on purpose? so i checked myself out then, i mean what are you going to do for me in one more night that i cant do at home? so we went home. anyways back to today - at therapist...she starts out by telling me well you havent been consistent with appointments so im not surprised to see you ended up in the hospitol. i wanted to smack her! wtf? so i calmly explained the situation w my externship site and shes like well if you told them you had a mental illness and needed ...i stopped her right there. i said i did tell them, but i could NOT take the time off to get here. and then anth intervened and said actually she called here and was trying to get the dr to see her on sat or evenings and they said no. so ok end of that. so then she says well what do you want me to do? i said i dont know youre the dr! so we got into a big arguement about my "choices" and blah blah blah. so the appt ended w me anthony and the therapist agreeing to call the insurance to schedule an appointment to get a whole new assessment. im VERY concerned about the fact that im "blacking out" and its scary ya know? ...so then dropped anthony off to work and out to petco @ southridge to return the expired flea meds i had bought for rover. as im pulling into petco i realize car is on empty, im quite literally driving on fumes! oy! so thankfully i made it to the gas station and that crises was averted. well i threw my purse in the trunk...dont have a clue why...but i did....and then as im pumping gas realized i have 30 minutes to make it to the complete other side of town for my doctor appointment with my 'regular' doctor. oy! so i hop in car and get into serious gridlock traffic on the expressway and make it to the dr appt w literally 2 minutes to spare. so i made the choice to tell him today what i should have said a year ago, i am addicted to percocet and i need help to stop it. i tried to detox and got seriously sick, insurance wont pay for inpatient and i cant do outpaitent because no bus money, no daycare, etc. so doctor asks me my symptoms, i tell him he says yes you are detoxing. ok well here is what we can do. start this medicine that helps reduce withdrawl symptoms...he was very kind and patient with me (hes been my dr for over 5 years) and almost kinda expected and seemed relieved that i was finally telling him. then he printed the rx and came back into the room and asked me if i have a church, i said yes and our pastor is one of our biggest support people in my life. and he spent almost a half hour telling me to trust God will help me. wow. that was great. and then i went to return the rental car....(remember earlier @ the gas station when i put my purse in the trunk?) and they were sooo busy that he literally checked me in and then i had to wait for a ride home, and i watched and even JOKED with the man who was taking the car i was returning....i had taken it to the car wash so it was all pretty for him i said :) and the man left....and about 45 minutes later my hubby came to get me....and we get home.....and nephew says the netflix isnt working. what? i paid it 2 days ago, sigh lemme check the darn prepaid credit card to see if the charges came off the card....go looking for my purse and wallet....OHHH MY GODDDDD!!!! i left it in the rental car trunk! that man left over 2 hours ago!!! call rental car place in tears, and they (i think he died a little right then) inform me that the man was on his way to madison and wouldnt be back until friday. now i start to panic....so rental manager (who by the way didnt ck the trunk lol) calls man and man is already out of town....but he wants to personally call me, so i give mgr permission to call me and mgr tells me ya know this guy has a corporate account w us and hes a bigwig with a BIG local television station...(if he trusted anyone with his wallet it would probably be this guy) ...and the guy calls me, he has pulled over in rush hour traffic on the highway and called me to reassure me that yes my purse is in the trunk and he will keep it safe until he can get back here on friday. so now im a little calmer but man im a moron! so that was my day. i think tomorrow im going to stay in bed, but know i cant cause mackenzie is off school.....man its gonna be a long one! goodnight
~Tina

WARNING GRAPHIC PHOTO...NOT ATTEMPTED SUICIDE...BUT SERIOUS MENTAL BREAKDOWN

its healing, it wasnt deep (thank God, but its going to scar which makes me sad)

i dont know. i went off my meds the day grandma died, january 19th. and i was being the "strong" one finishing my externship and being there for my family. and then my dad was here from Florida and i was doing ok, or thought i was. we went to the dells two weeks ago and had a great time and anthony and i managed to get some "alone" couple time while lionel took mackenzie swimming in the kids area and it was great. but monday my dad went back to florida and then suddenly i felt like my floor had fallen from beneath my feet. i started fighting with everyone for no reason at all and the fights with anthony were bad. and suddenly i woke up on wednesday morning and was a mess. i only remember bits and pieces, but the gist of it is that i was fighting particularly badly with anthony and i told him to leave, and so he decided to sleep on the couch and that made me sooooo mad. and so i ...well i will not leave details, but i cut myself pretty bad with a razor. anthony woke up and i guess he thought that i had just cut myself a little, (i have NEVER cut myself before, all previous attempts were overdoses of pills, but this wasnt an attempt on my life, it was a cry for help) and mixed it with water to make it look like more blood and thats why he went to work and didnt bother checking on me. thankfully lionel was here and took care of mackenzie and even got her up for school in the morning as i asked him to....so anyways i went to the mental hospital on wednesday night and stupid insurance would only cover two nights (WTF?!?!) because i wasnt suicidal...so whatever. anthony came in yesterday and talked to the doctor person on call there, and my hubby bought me home. well my mom came and got us (thank you mommy) and so now im home and back on my lithium. im not going to say all is well cause its not. basically the dr person said until i deal with emily, i will not be healthy again. and thats kinda scary. i dont want to deal with the emily situation. i had a little revelation tonight and shared with anthony ( a HUGE step for me!)...that i feel like confused. i dont want emily to EVER think that i "gave her away" cause she needed more care and mackenzie doesnt. mackenzie was walking in my shoes, like little girls do and playing dress up. things that when i found out emily had a brain disorder and all that, i had given up that i would ever have a "daughter that did the 'normal' things" and now i have a "normal" daughter and i think i feel guilty about that....and thats what i need to work on too. i need to forgive myself for hurting emily and i need to understand that its ok and emily is in a MUCH better place then i could ever give her,...and i need to love mackenzie for all that she is. and so today was a step in the right direction. i just needed to share that, and i wanted to show my arm and i want people to know that you can get help and you should get help before hurting yourself. cause now i have scars that i know will forever make people question me...and it makes me soo sad especially since im going into the medical field...so im going to say my prayers, and kiss my mackenzie and my husband and know they love me!
goodnight

~Tina

HELP A NEW PET!!

You can have a loving pet like our new dog Bobby!!! Mariah and Todd are loving and looking to help these animals who they rescue from abusive situations and place them into loving homes! check their website and even if you dont want a new pet, can you donate some items to help the costs of helping these poor animals?! thanks!

tina

TIMOTHY CAMPBELL

check out my friend Timothy Campbell's music!


you can find more of his music here....

and be sure to buy some clothes to help support this rising young star!

WISCONSIN DELLS 02/10/2011 TO 02/13/2011

had a great time with my nephew lionel, the hubby and mackenzie in the dells. was her first time and she LOVED it !!! im tired so ill post later this week but here are some highlight pics! :)

YAY

not feeling good so going to get some sleeps....but we met with MPS and mackenzie is NOT DEVELOPMENTALLY DELAYED. that means alot to us after having a real disabled child and knowing that mackenzie isnt, it wouldve been a HUGE blow if she was labled as having one....will post more later. thanks

RESUME...CONFUSION - ANGER... WTF?!

PACKERS WIN SUPERBOWL !!

Yay for the super bowl win!



 i had no doubt the packers would win with my grandma AND grandpa BOTH in heaven together now? of course their team will win!! anyways thats not what is bothering me. the list of things bothering me is so long right now i dont have the time to type it and im sure you dont care to hear it. all i ever do is complain huh? sorry. anyways so i attached my resume. its pretty now right? right. but ...well im SURE you can see my problem...you cant? its that little "job" called a private care client. now i KNOW that the career services lady at kaplan had to explain my job history gap for those 5 years, but i am sooo lost and confused. has our society come to this? that a woman cannot have been caring for her "disabled" child while her husband worked and i now have to put it on my resume?!?!?!? this anger and "shame(?)" confuse me, i dont know where they come from. i have a very smart brain, and im definitely not a "i am woman hear me roar" feminist, but im lost that i have to explain to a job that i was a private care worker to my daughter. of course motherhood is the biggest job ANY woman will EVER have, but certainly my duty as a mom and my honor to be Emily's mom and care for my special-needs daughter hasnt been relagated to a "professional experience"....i need a drink! i dont understand this! im sober, day 2. only took one percocet tonight,(so the question remains to me at least, am i still considered sober?) although its going on 1230 and the pain is beginning to settle into my bones and i know its going to be a rough one, i am trying to email and search for a job. just exactly how do i go from being a stay at home, sit on the couch and boss everyone around (lets not kid anyone here, thats what ive been doing!) "mom" to a working adult....?!??! cause i dont know if i want to....oooh man. here we go again! still havent worked back to that lithium....see my psych tomorrow though, and anthony says i have a choice of taking the lithium again, or getting locked inpatient....ill blog tomorrow (hopefully) and let you know what happened!




My address



Milwaukee, WI zip code


C: my phone number


Myemail@yahoo.com


Christina my last name






OBJECTIVE:


Energetic, dependable and customer service focused healthcare professional seeks a position within the healthcare field where I can continue to grow and provide excellent patient care.

SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS:


- Motivated individual with attention to detail


-CPR/First Aid Certified, proficient in Microsoft Word, ability to process medical coding and billing

-Knowledge of medical terminology, familiar with and ability to adhere to HIPPA Regulations and OSHA Compliance




EDUCATION:

Kaplan College, Milwaukee, WI - Medical Assistant Diploma – Obtained January 2011

*High Honors (cumulative GPA 3.80)

Milwaukee Area Technical College, Milwaukee WI – Registered Nursing Courses - (Attended 09/00-12/02)
Vincent High School, Milwaukee, WI - High School Diploma – Obtained June 1998

*Member of Y.E.S. (Young Educator’s Society)





PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:


Dr. Family Practice, Milwaukee, WI

Medical Assistant Extern – (December 2010 – January 2011)


Responsibilities included: directly assisting physicians with medical procedures; medical filing; played a vital role in minor office surgeries; provided office management & communication; prepared and sterilize exam rooms; administer injections; obtain vital signs & patient history; managed a multi-line phone system; composed medical charts; relayed patient prescription needs; provide stellar patient relations




Cleaners, Milwaukee, WI

Clerk - (December 2002-January 2005)


Responsibilities included: assisting customers in dry cleaning needs; provided excellent customer service on a daily basis; performed daily maintenance of maintaining a safe and clean working environment; balancing cash drawers after each shift; assist and resolve customer issues; handled cash on a daily basis




Private Care Client, Milwaukee, WI

Personal Care Worker- (August 2003 – October 2008)


Responsibilities included: care for development delayed patient with Agensis of the Corpus Callosum Disorder; assist with in home physical therapy; assist with daily living activities – preparing meals; bathing, housekeeping; administer medications, development enrichment activities





Pursuit of Higher Learning (Registered Nursing 2000-2002)



Restaurant, Milwaukee, WI

Server / Waitress- (September 1999- December 1999)


Responsibilities included: providing outstanding customer service; taking and delivering customers orders; performed hostess services as needed; cash handling experience

 

Milwaukee, WI

Third Shift Cashier- (July 1995-June 1996)


Responsibilities included: providing customer service; process cash/credit transactions; inventory/stock management; maintain a safe and clean working environment


, Milwaukee, WI

Cahier - (July 1994-May 1995)


Responsibilities included: providing customer service, process cash/credit transactions; maintain a safe and clean working environment; assist with stock/inventory management