IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT....

and it is flurries right now...its so beautiful....brightens my heart a little bit :)

BAD PLACE IN LIFE RIGHT NOW.....

its the holidaze so that means with it, my mood has plummeted extremely loww...there are so many things already going on and then people that sposedly love me add more to it! i miss emily sooo extremely badd. im struggling with my parenting ability and whether im doing the right thing with mackenzie. im struggling with whether to stay married for her sake and try to work it out. im not feeling well. (think i have the flu for the billionth time this season so far) just soooo extremely tired out. i want to just sleep and not live right now. like a bear that hibernates in the winter time. i want to hibernate. and then there is the bs that my family is piling up on me. my *** was supposed to come to my house for thanksgiving and then suddenly changed her plans when my brother invited them to their house. well if that didnt make me feel like sh*t but oh well i thought i was the bigger person and invited them over for friday instead. well then there was an incident with dorein and so my mom decided that she was going to be all involved with things that DIDNT concern her, and so now they arent coming at all. which is fine. but THEN she goes and talks to doreins (soon to be ex-) wife and tells her all kinda mess about my life. and the things i have done.

so let me clear the air here a little. i was a stripper for two years. and you know what? call me a slut all you want, but i did what i HAD to do what i HAD to do to pay my bills and put food in my babys stomach. and you know what else? yes i was raped...haha thats a big funny joke cause im the big a** hoe that sleeps with anyone right? well you know what thats fine, but the man was prosecuted and serving time in jail so evidently SOMEONE believed me...and yes i suffered certain traumas as a child but you know what? you can deny it all you want, i KNOW what i went through and it doesnt much matter to me. God will judge you in your final days. and thats all that matters to me. and you know what? im an alcoholic and ive tried drugs and maybe it led me to do some seriously stupid shi* in my life and oh well!!! im HUMAN !!!

but why on every mother freaking holiday do you need to cause chaos and pain in my life??? please stay out then from now on cause i have enough going on to take care of

.... and it starts tomorrow...im getting back on my medications to treat my bipolar disorder, and im going to go back to my pastor to get some counseling so i CAN lead a better life then i have the past 29 years. when i turn 30 in january, i want to be on the road to recovery; spiritually, emotionally and physically.

and im not ashamed of ANYTHING i have done or gone through. it made me the person i am now in my life and stronger then anyone i know!!!

Happy Thanksgiving !!! im blessed and thankful for my kids and my husband. they are my reasons for living!

-tina




even though Emily was adopted, she will ALWAYS be a part of my family!!!

AND SHE LOVESSS TO DANCE....

SOUTHRIDGE MALL TODAY....

went to southridge with dusty and daniel and her niece dakota. had fun but frustrated that the pics with santa - they dont let parents take their own pics now, you have to pay for at least one pic and the cheapest one is 14 bucks!!! sad!

NATALIE SENT PICS TODAY !!!! FILED PAPERS....

im soooooooo excited...she sent pics of emily !!! she looks great!!! her hair is in pigtails!!! OMG!!!
for more pics, check out my facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/emmysmami?ref=profile or my myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/emmysmami ...

filed for divorce today.....

A BIRTHDAY STORY....BRANDON

ITS A ....STORY OF MY KIDS BIRTHDAYS.....

Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

just sitting here having random thoughts...keep reminiscing with anthony about the day mackenzie was born , and it occured to me that i actually remember the day each one of my kids were born...so thought i would share with you too! haha

Brandon -
April 16, 1998
7 lbs. 12 oz. 21 inches long
2:01pm

I woke up at about 1am (?) and went to use the bathroom. I remember this VIVIDLY because it was so funny! anyways (remembering that i was adopted and my mom never had a child of her biological own) im on the toilet for like 10 minutes.... "peeing" and my mom comes to ask if im ok. (i had been having gallbladder attacks for the past two weeks before this day) and i answer, yeah i just cant stop peeing! so we're sitting there laughing about it, and my cousin calls. well they lived on the other side of the duplex house and the walls were so thin, they heard my mom and i laughing...so she calls and asks whats going on. and my mom says that i cant stop peeing and my cousin says her water broke!!! haha so my mom goes NUTS...and we wake up my brother and tell him he has to take me to the hospitol cause im in labor ...of course hes upset but he got up. so i tell mom well let me take a shower first, hahahaha yes i thought that it was over....well i took my shower and then OF COURSE i kept "peeing" haahaa...anyways we got to the hospitol and met (the father) there. so my brother went home and mom and and i went up to labor and delivery. soooo basically they hooked me up to all this stuff and we sat there until about 10am. then the drs said well since your water broke, you are going to have the baby today, but you arent contracting. so we decided we would walk around the hallways. welllllll yea that got things moving! and let me tell you that first contraction??? i was barely 18 and i think i thought i was going to die young! hah....anyways since i was actually already dilated to 6 centimeters (earlier labors that were stopped) i got to get my epidural pretty quickly. i cried! i wont lie i did. i was terrified cause they tell me to stay absolutely still while im in the middle of a very intense painful contraction!! they said they couldve paralyzed me!!! anyways got through it and was kinda happy for a little while. they told me to start pushing at about 12 noon. well then at about 12:30 they did the unthinkable. they said i wasnt pushing effectively and they would have to "turn down" the epidural....F that they turned that darn thing OFF !!! to this day, i dont know how i didnt kill someone. haha...i am told i had a few choice words for the drs when they told me to push harder...hehe...anyways i pushed for two hours straight. until i soooo was done and telling them to just gimme a c section haha....and then all of a sudden , i thought i was going to die....and they started yelling push push push and my mom was crying....and then she said, he has red hair !!!! 2 hard hours of steady pushing later, my first born was welcomed into the world. he was a redhead. and he had the most beautiful hazel eyes.... actually ran through the hallways of the labor and delivery ward of st. josephs hospitol screaming that his son looked just like him! and it was so cute....less then 10 hours later, said person was leaving his 18 year old "baby mama" in the hospitol to go on an emergency firefighter call for three hours while she had 22 stitches where there should NEVER be stitches...but i digress......i had a son....and it was the most wonderful thing in the world. and i was NEVER going to do THAT again!!!

(brandon went to live with my mom in september of 1998 when he was just over 5 months old. i have maintained a bond with him and am a steady part of his life. pays child support but has chosen to not be a physical part of his sons life at this time.)

CONFUSED ABOUT DAYCARE SITUATION

VERY CONCERNED
Current mood: irate
Category: Life

i dont know what to do anymore. i am ready to check into the hospitol cause i think i am literally LOSING MY MIND !!! this is an entirely different daycare with different people. i have visited it twice before leaving mackenzie there, and still there are problems. now i totally understand that kids are kids and some peoples kids act worse then mine and as such i should not overreact if mackenzie comes home with scratches or bites from other kids, but wouldnt the daycare people call? or send a note home at least? i know they did for emily and annmarie when she was a baby. here is a copy of my version of events over the last week. please tell me what you think cause i am losing it here !!!

............

10/30/09 Friday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at 8am. Called daycare around 530pm because I was told they leave the daycare to bring her home at 430pm. Was told they had just left and she would be home shortly. At 630pm, Anthony called me and asked if I had picked her up, I said no. Was then informed that she wasn’t home yet. Called daycare and was told that the driver was routed back to the daycare because she had vomited in the daycare van about 4 times and the driver was concerned about her well-being. I arrived at the daycare approximately 645pm, and the van was just leaving again. Mackenzie was in the daycare in a change of clothing and seemed to be fine although her eyes were a bit “glassy” which to me indicated she had indeed been sick. She was alert and happy to see me and seemed tired. There was also “residue” on her jacket again indicating she had indeed vomited. The teacher from her room was already gone at that time, but the teacher there informed me that she had not eaten at all that day.

.. ..

After picking her up from daycare, she cried the whole way home. And then fell asleep in the car. Then about an hour later, she woke up crying, and was bought into the living room. I noticed a mark on her leg that I thought was a bite mark and took a photo to document it. She then vomited about two more times. We decided to give her some sips of Gatorade because we didn’t want to give her any food and she doesn’t like pedialyte. She layed down on the floor with her blanket and about 5 minutes later, sat up and began to vomit and choke to the point that we called 911 to send an ambulance. At this time her coloring was extremely white and we were scared. By the time the ambulance arrived and we got to childrens hospital, about 20-30 minutes later, Mackenzie vomited again in the ER ambulance bay and then we were led to the waiting room, where she seemed to “come alive” again and no longer seemed sick. We were directed to “emergency room 2” on the second floor where we decided to take her home without being examined because she was running around and seemed to have made a recovery. (at this point I had completely forgotten about the mark on her leg and didn’t notice if it was still there or not until Sunday when the mark was gone.)

............

No new symptoms were noticed throughout the weekend, mom was sick with vomiting and diarrhea on Sunday but was feeling better Monday.

.. ..

.. ..

November 2, 2009 Monday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at approximately 8am, Dropped off at home around 550pm. She was tired and napped until about 8pm. Then she woke up and was “hording” food. She was stuffing her mouth with food to the point that she couldn’t shut it, and if I refused to put more food in her mouth, she began to tantrum and cry. This lasted about 20 minutes and she consumed a fair amount of pot roast before calming down and acting normally the rest of the evening, going to bed around 11pm.

.. ..

.. ..

November 3, 2009 Tuesday

Mackenzie picked up for daycare at approximately 730am. I called daycare around 10am to see how Mackenzie was doing and was told she was fine. She was dropped off around 540pm. I wasn’t home at the time and was told she had a scratch on her nose when I did get home. She wanted to go to sleep so was put in her crib. About 20 minutes later she was crying and was bought out to the living room. I noticed the scratch on her nose as well as reddening and a scratch under her right eye. She ate some buttered noodles and was ok. She was then returned to bed around 8pm and was quiet (sleeping?) until about 840pm when I heard her crying a weird cry. Went to see and she had again vomited in her crib. Upon removing her clothing to give her a bath and clean her up, I noticed multiple scratches on her right shoulder that seem to have matched the scratch on her nose as far as depth and intensity.

MACK CLEANING THE TOILET !!!

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=100343576



its too cute!! haha shes two and wants to clean the toilet! AND she did a GOOD job!!!!

RANDOM PICS OF MACKENZIE

halloween 2009...shes going to be Annie...yeah not too original cause she has the red hair already but hey daddy likes it so .... :)

MACKENZIE 2 YR. OLD DR APPT.....

i am seriously soooooooooo tired out right now!!!i cannot express the day i have had today....grrr....shall i begin at the beginning? lol....well for starters i was able to sleep a little (thank you D) and then when i did get up around 930 (?) i got the pot roast in the slow cooker...and then mackenzie was acting a serious fool so anthony put her back into her bed and she went to sleep !! dont know what that was about but i am NOT going to complain haha...anyways so then she got up around 12pm...and we left around 130 to go to the dr.s office and now although this office is associated with her regular office, its different people and in a VERY different neighborhood....sooo suffice it to say i know some very very basic spanish and they obviously know some very very basic english....see the problem yet? yeah....sigh...so it took about 10 minutes to ask and answer three questions....i wanted to smack that poor nurse! :( anywho we got to see Dr that we have seen already at the urgent care at her regular clinic but then when nursie came back she only gave mackenzie two shots...now i had a massive headache so whatever i wasnt going to ask any more questions and we left...now im home and i see she only got her chicken pox shot and the Hib shot...soooo she didnt get her flu vaccine and she didnt get the H1N1 shot...and she is still 2 shots behind from the series for 2 year olds...but i guess they didnt think it was that big of a deal cause she has until next year on her 3rd bday to get caught up....but now i was going to get her in daycare tomorrow....but she doesnt have her flu shot or her H1N1 (which im not sure i want to get anyways) shot... so tomorrow i get to call daycare and figure that all out ! grrr...going to go for now to eat my yummy pot roast...


her stats : (shes a big girl but its ok) weight : 38 pounds and her height : 39 inches tall


measured above the 95th percentile in both hahahaha

but anyone who knows me and remembers our precious angel emily...who was only 25 pounds at 4 years old...well we will take a big fat lovey baby any day !!!!

pss still havent heard from natalie about emily...praying its just cause they are busy and maybe im going to get a great GREAT GREAT GREAT christmas present??? (i can dream cant i ??? )

GOT 4 TEETH PULLED TODAY.....

wow...have to say i was seriously scared and it went better then i expected. i read alot about Iv sedation on the internet and i thought i would be a little more knocked out then i actually was lol...but im good. im very happy i decided to go ahead and get the sedation cause it was TOTALLY worth it!!! i went in and the darn dentist only made a referral for 2 teeth and darnit there was 4 that really were causing me pain...so of course being the drama queen that i am, i began to cry cause i cannot afford to get this done a million times! its 300 bucks for sedation! so the lady said hun dont cry, we will have Dr. Blocher pull all of them and he can submit the information to the insurance after and it will be approved! that was awesome! they were sooo nice to me there im so happy. so i went back in the room and the one thing i didnt know was that you still get the nitrous oxide (laughing gas) so they put the mask on me and told me to breathe in through my nose...well now my previous experience with nitrous was horrible, it didnt do much of anything except annoy me that i had something on my nose! lol....so i began to cry a little...and the dentist came in and he looked at my arm...well sure enough he couldnt find a vein so that made me cry harder! yes i am a big baby! so then he said well i can get it here in your wrist....it hurt! but then it was over and he said ok relax....so i began to feel a little LITTLE LITTLE woozy and thought ok this isnt so bad....well then he put the numbey gel stuff on my gums...and uhoh then my roof of my mouth....so now im not feeling that good yet...so im breathing hard trying to get this nitrous in me haha and trying to calm down so the sedation will kick in....and then he says ok here comes the pinch....well lemme tell you it was a bit more then a pinch...BUT it was NOTHING like when i havent had the sedation...it seemed to only take a few seconds rather then a few minutes and i only cried a little! then he left....but the nurse was still in the room so i talked to her...i talk when im nervous...lol...so that poor lady i was talking her ear off...then the dr comes back in and im like well im not really numb yet, and he says your good...and i immediately start to panic...cause thats what i do...lol...so then he is in my mouth and theres a little pressure but then all of a sudden theres serious serious serious pressure and a little pain....it seems that one baaaaaaaaad tooth on the bottom didnt want to come out!!! stubborn teeth....so then all of a sudden when i feel like im going to go out the window with the dentist haha...it popped kinda and then he stuffs the gauze in and he says ok bite down...what??? hes done??? yep! you did great he says! have a good day! wow im amazed cause seriously it only took about 2-3 minutes at the most!!! so they had me sit in the chair with the nitrous on for about 10 more minutes and then they bought anthony back, guess my mom just got there to watch mackenzie....so then they come with a wheelchair and im all like well i dont need that cause im fine, but then when i got up! haha well lets just say the ground disappeared below my feet! so anthony and the nurse helped me into the wheelchair and off we went to the car....mom took us to aldis to get some soup and pudding and bananas and milk ...and then to drop off the prescription for my vicodin....although i already have some here at the house, can never have too many pain meds in the house lol...and now im home...all in all it was a pretty ok experience! its been about 3 hours since and im awake and doing ok...the gauze is out finally! i hate that stuff in my mouth like that and i HATE the taste of blood....lol...but im doing ok...and im getting a little nervous cause the anesthetic is beginning to wear off and im not sure how much pain im going to be in...trying really hard to not take any pain meds...although im sure i can get away with one vicodin for now to take the edge off if i need it....

in other news!
last night sassy kept going into mackenzies bedroom and sitting on her toddler bed...now this isnt that big of a deal cause she sleeps in her crib at night, but mackenzie was kinda mad about it so i got up at 3am and shooed him out and sure enough ten minutes later, i hear her door creak open again...so i locked him in the bathroom...i know but it was only 3 more hours till i got up and he drinks from the toilet anyways so no big deal....so he ran out like a bullet when i got up this morning and i didnt think anything of it...i didnt shut the door when i was getting ready cause i was in a hurry....so anyways we get home now and im sitting on the toilet and sassy is behind the door...yeah i didnt shut it again...there was noone here but anthony and i....so anyways i shut the door a little to see what the hell sassy is finding so interesting....and guess what??? my lovely cat FINALLY is earning his keep around here! yes friends MIGHTY MOUSE IS DEAD!!! whoohoo!! its kinda yucky sight though...hes kinda bloody....anyways i shooed sassy away and gave him a nice helping of catnip to congratulate him! well thats all ive got for now...im STARVING but i cant eat anything for a little while longer till the numbness is completely worn off...so poonanny! lol...ok comment me or email! thanks for your thoughts and prayers today! God truly gave me the strength to get through this!

-tina

4 YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!

well i cannot believe we made it to 4 years already! its been a long journey and every year at this time, i always wondered if we would make it to the next one...this year, im not wondering that... i know we are going to be here celebrating our 50th anniversary (God willingly lol) and we are going to make it...we have been through soo much together i dont know what we will go through in the future, i only know we have each other and that is all we need to get through anything! people come and go in our lives and we are still standing through the rubble...there are times i have needed to lean on him and times he has needed to lean on me... im kind of ashamed to say that i have betrayed him more then once and unfortunately there is nothing i can do to change that, only change my actions from here on out... i am commited wholeheartedly to making this marriage work and i love anthony with all my heart and soul... i will never stray again! well im in some serious pain with these darn teeth, ugh thank God i am going to get them pulled tomorrow!!! whoohoo! the picture that i have as my default is the 1st day anthony and i got back together after being apart for 6 years!!! and thats our precious emily...just weird looking back 4 years ago how much we all have changed! and we miss our emily so entirely much but we know she is being loved and couldnt be happier for her and that we have mackenzie to smother with love!

GETTING MACK OFF THE BOTTLE....

so lionel was watching mackenzie tonight while anthony and i went to dinner....well last night i threw out the nipples for the bottles but for whatever reason, i kept the bottles in the cabinet. so we get home and lionel explains that she didnt want the sippy cup so he made a nipple for her with the top of her juice hahaha its tooooo cute! gotta love him!

EMILY OFFICIALLY ADOPTED YESTERDAY

natalie called yesterday....last night and said that the adoption was finalized yesterday. i am very emotional right now so thats all im going to post for today.
-tina

IN MILWAUKEE ???

if you live in milwaukee area, i am selling my fish tank and the stand and everything that goes with it....check out the ad on craigs list at this link http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/pet/1335317321.html

tina

I GOT FLOWERS YESTERDAY

well we had a big fight and then the next morning i got flowers....was so nice especially since its been 4 years and i have never gotten flowers before...haha arent they pretty?

NATALIE EMAILED YESTERDAY !!!!

Hi Christina. Sorry for the delay in contacting you...it's a VERY busy summer. We had Emily's birthday pictures taken and are in the process of printing your pictures of Emily throughout the year. I will e-mail you when I am ready to mail these out to you....I'm hoping by the end of the month. I am working part time (love it) to have some time to myself. Emily attends a playgroup three times each week for three hours while I work. She is doing awesome! I'll write more about Emily in my yearly letter to you.

We are adopting Emily this month and will call you once the adoption goes through to put your mind at ease. Don't worry...we WANT to adopt her and are VERY excited to do so. We are having an adoption party for her...she picked out her own decordations (sesame street), cake, etc. We rented a giant inflatable princess castle bouncy for her and her friends. She saw it and started to laugh, screech and jump up and down.

She does not understand that she is being adopted. We are still seeing Dr. Begotkia at Children's Hospital. She is VERY pleased with her progress. Dr. Begotkia felt it would be several years before Emily understood what adoption is and why children are adopted. I do not plan on telling Emily about adoption...I would like to leave it to Dr. Begotkia. She is the expert and I will follow her lead.

One more story before I go...Andrew and Emily were walking in a mall and Emily saw a woman that resembled you. Emily went up to the woman and said, "hi". She grabbed her hand and proceeded to walk down the mall with her for about three minutes. My husband was on the other side of the woman talking to her during this time. Emily let go of her hand, said "bye". She walked over to Andrew and said, "let's go" and walked away. Why am I telling you this??? I wanted to reaffirm that she does remember you (right now) and she took it upon herself to say hi and visit for a moment. Will she remember you in the future...I have no idea. Does she know that you are her biological mom...you're guess is as good as mine. I thought it was a very positive thing that she initiated a friendly few moments with someone who she thought was you.

We pray for you and your family everyday and hope that you find peace and love with the LORD.

Natalie



THAT IS THE EMAIL NATALIE SENT, IT WARMS MY HEART TO HEAR HER WORDS ON OUR BABY EMILYS 6TH BIRTHDAY...WE ARENT GOING TO TENNESSEE AFTER ALL....WILL BLOG MORE ANOTHER DAY! LATER ALL.

UPDATE....KINDA

going offline until the 16th...will be in tennessee from the 13th to the 16th late night....anthony has a meeting on the 17th at work at 9am so we will be back then... going to shut the computer down and unplug it...cause the electric bill is outrageous...and the electric company said that if its plugged in then it still is draining power...sooo...going to unplug it until back from tennessee...later all!!!


christina

p.s. stilllll waiting for natalie to call or send pics and letter about emily...emilys bday is this friday so watching the mail :(

OZAUKEE COUNTY FAIR TODAY !!!

we went to the ozaukee county fair today...heres a couple pics of mackenzie and us....

POOL TIME IN THE YARD!!!

took mackenzie into the yard pool for the 1st time today !!! she loved it !!

FATHERS DAY PICTURES

on sunday, fathers day , anthony and i went for a walk with mackenzie...thought we would share some of the pics from that walk!

SPOKE TO NATALIE LAST NIGHT !!!!

i got to speak to natalie...emilys new mama, last night...it was so nice to hear from her... we are truly blessed to have such wonderful new parents for our little emily....they are going to get her pictures taken this week and next week natalie wants to meet in person so we can get them from her! i cant wait to see natalie and hear more about how my baby girl is doing!

NEW PICTURES !!!!

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE PAJAMAS !!!

CLEAN AQUARIUM AND PADDLEBOATS

dorein and anthony cleaned the aquarium and added a little catfish sucker guy to it....also friday dorein and i took annmarie and brandon to the lakefront paddleboating...so heres some pics! oh yea and dorein shaved his head hahahaha he looks cute though! :)

-tina

BIKE RIDE TODAY

well made it 1/2 way around the block today...haha working up to it daily... we will eventually be able to make it down to the lake front by the end of summer (i hope) haha...anyways here are some pictures of our bikes and dorein has mackenzie on his bike now which works out MUCH better for everyone haha... i look like a giant on my bike but i cant put the seat up any more cause my legs are too short...haha... oh well eventually i will lose weight and be better

BIKE RIDING

wow...well the joke is on me today....thought i would buy a bike and ride it down by the lake ....and i didnt want the trailer thing that rides behind you, wanted the seat so mackenzie was right there with me...WELL that is a baddddddddd idea when you weigh 230 pounds and mackenzie weighs 35 pounds and you havent rode a bicycle in over 6 years....yeah happy april fools day...you shoulda been there...you never woulda laughed so hard in your life! :) oh well have to ride every day now to get my endurance up and THEN once i lose about 50 pounds or so ..then i can add mackenzie!
happy april fools day everyone!
oh yeah...i am totalllllllllllly ashamed i missed anthonys birthday by a whole freakin month?!!!! oops...it was the 27th of february ....and i remembered today! :( oops....but he still loves me!
later

FISH IN THE AQUARIUM

we finally got some fish! and new plants yesterday! :)