BAD PLACE IN LIFE RIGHT NOW.....

its the holidaze so that means with it, my mood has plummeted extremely loww...there are so many things already going on and then people that sposedly love me add more to it! i miss emily sooo extremely badd. im struggling with my parenting ability and whether im doing the right thing with mackenzie. im struggling with whether to stay married for her sake and try to work it out. im not feeling well. (think i have the flu for the billionth time this season so far) just soooo extremely tired out. i want to just sleep and not live right now. like a bear that hibernates in the winter time. i want to hibernate. and then there is the bs that my family is piling up on me. my *** was supposed to come to my house for thanksgiving and then suddenly changed her plans when my brother invited them to their house. well if that didnt make me feel like sh*t but oh well i thought i was the bigger person and invited them over for friday instead. well then there was an incident with dorein and so my mom decided that she was going to be all involved with things that DIDNT concern her, and so now they arent coming at all. which is fine. but THEN she goes and talks to doreins (soon to be ex-) wife and tells her all kinda mess about my life. and the things i have done.

so let me clear the air here a little. i was a stripper for two years. and you know what? call me a slut all you want, but i did what i HAD to do what i HAD to do to pay my bills and put food in my babys stomach. and you know what else? yes i was raped...haha thats a big funny joke cause im the big a** hoe that sleeps with anyone right? well you know what thats fine, but the man was prosecuted and serving time in jail so evidently SOMEONE believed me...and yes i suffered certain traumas as a child but you know what? you can deny it all you want, i KNOW what i went through and it doesnt much matter to me. God will judge you in your final days. and thats all that matters to me. and you know what? im an alcoholic and ive tried drugs and maybe it led me to do some seriously stupid shi* in my life and oh well!!! im HUMAN !!!

but why on every mother freaking holiday do you need to cause chaos and pain in my life??? please stay out then from now on cause i have enough going on to take care of

.... and it starts tomorrow...im getting back on my medications to treat my bipolar disorder, and im going to go back to my pastor to get some counseling so i CAN lead a better life then i have the past 29 years. when i turn 30 in january, i want to be on the road to recovery; spiritually, emotionally and physically.

and im not ashamed of ANYTHING i have done or gone through. it made me the person i am now in my life and stronger then anyone i know!!!

Happy Thanksgiving !!! im blessed and thankful for my kids and my husband. they are my reasons for living!

-tina




even though Emily was adopted, she will ALWAYS be a part of my family!!!