PRIMAL SCREAMS, ANGER AND OTHER SHIT

i dont know anymore.my life is flipped upside down and i dont know if it will ever be right again. i dunno if i can handle this externship, the work is fine, the people are great, but i cannot physically handle being on my feet for more then 2 hours it seems. theres alot of fighting going on in my life and 80% of it is in my own head. my heart and head want two different things and i dont know what to do. theres this person that was my life, well so i thought, but hes moved on and i guess in a way he should have cause i wasnt treating him right until the very end and then i guess it was too late. so whatever right?! theres not a day that i dont wake up in physical pain and the pills just arent taking it away anymore, so whats left after that? i got sober and dont wanna give that up, but my heart is hurting and i dont think it will ever heal again....

~Tina

DAY 1? CHECK....PAIN BEYOND BELIEF? CHECK

my angel tattoo that i got right after
getting outta jail with emily...

so today was day 1 of my externship. remember when i said i wanted to work 8 hours a day and hopefully make that january graduation? yeah thats not going to happen! but its ok, for one its not really my fault as the clinic i am working in only is open 25 hours a week! so hey thats fine with me too cause umm....after being on my feet for only 2 hours today, my knees looked like watermelons and i was in so much pain! but its ok. i LOVE, LOVE, LOOOOOVE the clinic i am working for! its two doctors (they are sooo nice), and small - only two examining rooms. and they use paper charts so i dont have to worry about learning some computer system (not that that wouldve been that hard but still) and i am so blessed that they have the "automatic" blood pressure cuffs haha so i dont have to do that manually....so all in all it was a really awesome day. i am EXHAUSTED because i couldnt sleep last night not knowing what to expect..and so now at 745pm, im ready to crash! we have a whole hour for lunch break and they order stuff for us so thats the coolest! today they had chinese food but i had bought a lunchables so i stuck with my lunchables. i gave three flu shots today and a depo shot....and a nose flu immunization. it was pretty cool. and know what? the dr that i am working for tonight, before she left she said to me " you are a fast learner, by monday you will be on your own with no shadow, youre that good! " and hugged me and left for the night. i left shortly after cause i had to vaccuum. ok well im literally falling asleep here so gnite!

~Tina

8 HOURS AND COUNTING....

i start my externship

tomorrow - well technically today

in 8 hours

im terrified
im excited
im terrified

im going to try and sleep

~Tina

WHERE DO I GO NOW?!?!?!?

October 2010 - only 1 more month to go!!!



OMG!!! ordering my graduation cap and gown?!

 so that was taken about a month ago. i finished school last night. i didnt expect it would end so quietly, cause we all know i dont end things quietly haha...i wanted to get a picture of my classmates and teacher but didnt get the chance...took a final exam and i think i might've only gotten a B and not the A i was pursuing. got papers in the mail...was kinda confused, but it was my order form for my cap and gown!! oh my God, i had no idea how close i was to being a college graduate! its insane....im scared of the challenges that lie ahead for me now, but i will conquer them as i have conquered all these others.....im going to sleep, have to get up early tomorrow ugh...but i learn my externship location an hours! whoohoo

~~Tina

ONE MORE DAY AND TWO HOURS LEFT....

Not that im counting or anything. but i cannot believe how fast these last 7 (8) months have passed. and how good ive done. i have 3 high honors and 3 honors and im hoping to get a high honor for this mod...although i dont know if that will happen. its been a rough mod! billing and coding and all that stuff! oy! mackenzie had her school pictures taken and i bought one cause her hair was a mess, but i had to buy at least one! we are going to go to walmart (hopefully) this weekend and get our christmas picture taken and then of course we have some with just mackenzie in to choose from. life has been going along...the bureau is leaving us alone for now, although that could just be some kind of fluke and maybe they had some more pressing matters to attend to before getting back to our petty case. anywho thats about all i have to say for now im tired. and still have about another hour before i get to break free from my prison! oy...nah you all know im gonna have a nervous breakdown when i leave here! i cannot handle change that well and im leaving the safety of my classroom and teachers that ive been with for the last 7 months...but im confident i will rock my externship...so for today this is what i will leave you with!

~Tina