heres your one chance

got our christmas pictures done at the mall on the 2nd... email me if you want to see it.... andt2005@sbcglobal.net ..life is weird sometimes...its been a long cold day...the weather tomorrow is supposed to be colder tomorrow and i have to go out again tomorrow. sigh well thats winter in milwaukee i guess. still have three more days before i can find out if im pregnant... the anticipation is killing me.. seriously.. my husband wont even talk to me about it because he "doesnt want to get his hopes up". and im scared that im not. and that scares me because then i might have to face the reality that there maybe something wrong with him as he claims that he is not able to have kids. but i am not going to worry about it. i know ive heard of couples who have tried for three or four years before getting pregnant and we have only tried for three months. ha. i guess i should be happy if im not there are so many things going on next year that i shouldnt be concentrating on getting pregnant. but i dunno i just want to be right now and im so driven by that for now. i will definitely keep you posted on here when i find out thursday or friday. its so close yet so far away. took a pregnancy test that can tell 4 days early but thats only a 50 percent chance of coming out 4 days early, 95 percent chance the day before. so so far it has come out negative and im scared that it will come out negative on thursday too. i hope it doesnt cause im almost certain i will fall back into a depression. but i know that i can see that coming and hopefully prevent it. weekends are always hard on me anyways. i dont know why i guess because my mother starts so much on the weekends. the kids have their christmas play on friday. its killing me that i cant be there. i still havent gone to the courthouse to petition for the visitation. i guess so much of it depends on the pregnancy test results. i dont know why that is, i only know i made a promise to God that if im pregnant im going to leave it all alone and let him handle it. but if im not pregnant then im using that as a sign that i need to devote my life to the kids i have now and be happy. and its not that im not happy cause i am. i just thought that i would always be able to have another one with the true love of my life when he came along and now i believe i have found him and to surrender to the thought that i cant have a child with him? its killing me. i mean hes great with my kids, treats them better then the "father" they have. but still i dunno i guess i feel inadequate providing him a son or daughter of his own. maybe thats only my problem. he sure wont discuss it with me. so i dunno even how he feels. i know he would be happy if we were pregnant. oh well its late and i have to get to the doctor for my daughter tomorrow morning, shes fine - just routine checkup. ok well goodnite ya all.
- sunshine