CST MEETING WITH FOSTER PARENTS

today we had a cst meeting with the case workers and the foster parents...since we havent seen emily since september they very thoughtfully bought a picture that was emilys school picture...i have posted it here cause she is sooo precious and doing so well .... i am truly blessed to have adoptive parents for her that love her as much as we do and are willing to send pictures and letters once a year on her birthday...

CAR ACCIDENT 12-11-08

well yesterday while taking my nephew lionel to school, a car cut us off and we t-boned her but we were the ones that hit head on... soooo we are ok...were in a rental car and thankfully had insurance! so we are all covered...and lionel and i werent hurt too badly...he had a concussion and i thought my arm and fingers were broken but xrays showed they arent...still in a lot of pain today though which sucks but...anyways here are pics of the car after the crash... it was a chevy cobalt... and both airbags deployed...ugh...ok heres the pics!

RAMBLINGS ON A SAD DREARY DAY.....!!!!

my jaw is hurting and i dont know completely why.. i know my teeth are all rotted to hell and thats about 98 percent of the reason but that other two percent is what bothers me haha.... im a moron....oh well... anthony is watching XXX so i guess in a way i am too since i pay attention every once in a while ...its kinda boring but whatever...there is nothing on television right now... we have virtually no gas to go anywhere and anyways its kinda cold out too....so ..yah... (crying) i have to call the dentist on monday and make an appointment to get these damn things yanked out and get the impressions and whatever for my dentures....imagine that im not even 30 years old and have to wear dentures! life sucks....i had such beautiful teeth just five years ago but the damn depakote that i take for my bipolar has eaten all the enamel off my teeth which leads to them all having rotted to hell and back.. well no i dont think they came back haha...which is why i have to have them removed...not like i have that many left anyways...my remaining top front tooth broke about a week or two ago while i was eating of all things a soft shell taco! thats how badly decayed my teeth are....the dentist said she can save the bottom four but i am just going to get them out too cause they will need to come out in about a year or two anyways on this medicine so whatever right? im PMSing today and i think mackenzie picked up on it and decided she is going to too....but thankfully her daddy is off work today so he can deal with her cranky butt...right now she is in her crib playing but shes sposed to be napping haha... goofy girl...i went to church with my nephew this morning but came home early cause wasnt feeling well... so that kinda sucked...missed communion....but oh well... God knows i love Him haha... .he sure helped me out at eviction court thursday.... my knees are killing me lately probably cause of the cold... grrr... the car people called and are going to come get the car on the 19th unless i can get them a payment... which i cant soooo...yeah that kinda sucks ass too.... life in general is kicking my ass lately this isnt cool....!!!! christmas is coming really fast for me and its realllllllllllllly hard .... i know my baby is in great hands and has stopped asking for me but i miss her sooooooooo badly.... anthony had to put the tree up on his own this year cause i couldnt even bear to do it since last year emily "helped" with the ornaments.... sigh... i dont even wanna have christmas this year but i have to make something nice for anthony and for mackenzie although she is kinda young to understand ..... but sigh i have to just cope...there is going to be sooo many things coming up....my birthday is in january and then there is easter when last year she got her first easter basket and was soooo excited... and then comes summer when we used to go swimming practically every single day with her uncle lionel and then there will be her 6th birthday and hopefully on that day i will get a letter and some pictures from her foster mom.... but we didnt agree on a day so i dont know when she will send them....only know once a year... so... yea its going to be a hard hard year on me.... at least in march we will (hopefully) be moved into a different place that wont remind us of her soo much... as it is now everything reminds me of her... .the walls that she colored on havent been painted over just yet... cant bring myself to until the adoption thing is final i guess...the refridgerator has some of her scribbling on and of course the yogurt that her little sister loves is also the one she loved.... sigh... and her room... oh god the toddler bed that we bought just after she was taken away all prepared for her to come home with her favorite blanket stretched over the top...and her elmo dolls all over... its so difficult to let mackenzie play with them but she loves elmo too now so i dont wanna deprive her of them... she hasnt learned to walk yet, but when she does will i let her play with emilys dolly stroller? will i let her play with emilys tyco car thingee? these are all such hard questions for me to have to face and yet i think about them just about every single day... .life is sooooo hard without her....had to take her pictures down off the wall again...they are in a safe place so that i have them to look at when i want to.. i have our professional pics wallet size taped to my computer so i see her every day... maybe when we move and get into our new apartment i will put her pictures up in mackenzies room so she will remember her sister as much as she can i guess... my memories are like fading and it scares me cause i have to struggle to remember things sometimes and i dont ever want to forget her... but when i look at the pictures it all comes flashing back to me... so i guess its ok... well i have rambled enough here for today so i guess i will go now... but just remember that family is everything and dont take yours for granted for one single second!!!! they can be gone in that instant that you do... trust me i know all to clearly.... and i can never forgive myself... and i miss her way tooo much for words to explain... so well i will blog another day when hopefully i am feeling a little bit better....